


Love Letters in Digital Ink

by tactfulGnostalgic



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Blog Format, F/F, No Wait Dont Leave Trust Me I Got This, POV Rose Lalonde, Rose Is A Mess And I Love Her, Teen Romance, The Dreaded First Person POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-22
Packaged: 2018-09-13 19:57:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 65,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9140035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tactfulGnostalgic/pseuds/tactfulGnostalgic
Summary: In which Rose Lalonde runs a highly successful occult blog, wherein she talks about life, friendship, family, summoning the dark forces to do your bidding, romance, and other Typical Teenage Things.And in which Kanaya Maryam moves into the house next door, runs a mildly popular photojournaling fashion/cosplay blog, and, unbeknownst to Rose, is one of her most avid readers.And in which a summer courtship is performed through a series of message-board shenanigans,  misunderstandings, daydreaming, awkward romantic overtures, indirect love letters, and one (1) séance.





	1. Chapter 1

Date: June 5, 2016. Weather: Dry. Mood: Contemplative.

News:

Generally assumed as it might be that your average suburban residence is devoid of spiritual energy, and given the particularly curious nature of which I am possessed, it is only natural that an individual such as myself would seek to draw back the metaphorical curtain dividing this reality from the next, and engage, inasmuch as anyone may, with the world beyond.

That is to say, I have purchased some new candles for my next ritual, and they are quite pleasing.

My mother accompanied me to the store on her own insistence. As you know, Roxy usually accompanies my on these trips, but today she was occupied with her friends; they went to the mall together, apparently, on one of their periodic trysts to Hot Topic. I do believe the only person who ever buys anything there is Dirk - and even then, expressly for ironic purposes, or so I am led to believe - so there is no reason for the rest of them to go. But they do anyway. The whims of the elderly are truly fascinating.

But back to the story. 

My mother drove at least five miles under the speed limit for the duration of our trip, despite my urging otherwise. I informed her, with as much courtesy as one could imagine anybody summoning under such circumstances, that she was under no obligation to slow her usual speed on my behalf. But she denied this. I suppose I may commend her for her dedication to safety. But the commendation would be quickly rescinded in light of the fact that the trip took 7.4 minutes longer than it did, on average, when Roxy drove me. Think of what someone of my prowess can do in 7.4 minutes, and you will understand my frustration, I trust.

The selection of candles is a difficult process. Ultimately, I went with lavender, although the sage was also tempting. Lavender is a soothing, healing herb, and the candles' scent is truly magnificent. While I was there, I also ordered a new set of selenite wands, for mine have grown dull with use. My mother gave me a discerning look when I made the request, but complied nonetheless. Truly, she is queen and mistress of passive-aggressive expression. I can only hope and pray to one day achieve the same mastery of the art as she.

The selenite should be coming in a few days, so I will attach some pictures then. Aside from that, I am still making preparations for the grand ritual. Should all go according to schedule, the estimated date of execution will be at some point in early July. Pending further developments.

Questions Answered:

In response to @cuttlefishCuller's question about ouija, the answer is no, you cannot substitute a magnifying glass for a planchette, convenient as it may be. I am not sure of the results of such an exchange, but it would not function the same way as a properly assembled ouija session - I can assure you of that much. Please proceed with caution in your dealings with the otherworld; this is no joking matter, and attempting to make cheap exchanges instead of employing quality materials can have very real consequences for you and your dwelling. Need I remind you of the horrors that were unleashed on @terminallyCapricious' bedroom when they attempted a summoning without properly acquired animal blood? I don't think any of us have forgotten, have we?

In response to @terminallyCapricious' question about what went wrong in their summoning: if the recipe calls for goat blood, you use goat blood. I don't want to know what you did to that cat, and I will block you if you send further questions about it. 

In Personal News:

The house next door, after years left uninhabited, has finally found a buyer. It appears to be a single mother with two daughters, all of whom are unreasonably beautiful and irritatingly cheerful. The mother tends to wear various shades of green at all times. This is not the only thing I noticed about her, but it is the only thing I will post here, for the safety of my younger readers.

The two daughters look to be about three years apart, in age. I attempted to be discreet in my observations, but Roxy, being helpful and horrendous in equal measure, snapped a photo and sent it to me for further perusal. I scolded her properly for photographing strangers without permission but also saved the photo on my desktop, so I suppose both of our ethics are imperfect. The older daughter looks about seventeen, eighteen at most, and has elaborate black tattoo sleeves; she also has a number of piercings in her nose, septum, ears, eyebrow, lip, and exposed bellybutton, the total count of which I will cautiously put at around twelve. Her clothes tend to be revealing, and black. She looks like the kind of person with whom I could rob a Walmart, if you understand my meaning.

The younger is closer to my age. She is significantly less risqué than her sister, prone to modest clothes and with shorter hair. No tattoos, nor unorthodox piercings, although she does wear several large rings. Her sense of fashion is impeccable. I would almost doubt that she dresses herself, given that at sixteen - or somewhere around there - I have never seen any other with quite such a grasp of color theory and silhouette design. Excepting, of course, myself. Her hair is bobbed and black, and her eyes are very green. These have been my observations.

I considered introducing myself, but ultimately decided against it. After a long day of moving, they are probably quite tired, and in no mood for a session of small talk and meaningless pleasantries. They look like the kind of people who appreciate in-depth discussion of complex subjects, which I cannot provide just now, absorbed as I am in preparations for the Grand Ritual. However, I intend to introduce myself at one point in the near future. Just not today.

Roxy bears no such hesitations; she barged over and virtually invited herself into their home. I was, frankly, astonished at their hospitality. She came back with eight (eight!) selfies and told me that the younger one is my age. Apparently her name is Kanaya. An odd name, but a pretty one. Arabic, perhaps? I will look it up later, when I can be assured of browsing privacy.

Mother tells me that I should bring a gift when I go over. She suggested I bake something. I was astonished at her insensitivity. "Mother," I said. "What if one of them is gluten intolerant? What if they have a deadly allergy? What if they are on a low-sugar diet, and what you assume to be an act of generous goodwill comes off as a grim promise of future rivalry?"

She told me that I was being silly, so I went up to my room and attempted to communicate my silent disdain for her lack of regard for common courtesy.

Roxy came into my room, by and by, and asked me if I was all right, to which I replied that I was, and I was in the middle of writing a blog post. She left me alone, after that.

Which brings me to right now. Interesting fact: through the window of my room, I can just see into the youngest daughter's room in the house adjacent to ours. Nothing indecent, of course. The majority is hidden from view. But if I crane my neck correctly, I can see a full four square feet of her bedroom, into which she will, occasionally, stray. I try not to indulge in this practice often. It verges dangerously on "creeper" territory. But I thought it was important to note that such a feat is possible. Only possible.

Next time, I will review my new selenite wands, and probably perform a tarot reading. It will depend greatly on my mood.

As always, the inquiry box is open. Feel free to solicit advice on any and all supernatural feats that you have witnessed or seek to witness.

Have a good evening, Readers.

-tentacleTherapist


	2. Chapter 2

Date: June 7, 2016. Weather: Hot. Mood: Amiable.

News: 

What might fascinate any amateur geologists following me to learn is that among its many names, natural selenite goes by the moniker "desert rose." If you do not know what that is, do not fret. A "desert rose" is the name by which geologists (and a good number of non-geologists) refer to a natural mineral formation which resembles a flower. The 'petals' are crystals flattened on the c crystallographic axis, fanning open in radiating flattened crystal clusters. Most blooms span from pea-sized to 10 cm in diameter, and their appearance is that of an exquisitely carved sculpture. Few would recognize - and fewer believe - that they are in fact natural creations. But it is true.

No such rose greeted me in the mail today. Instead, I received my wands, which are satisfactory in every way possible. I used them to charge the space, and they created quite the pleasant aura. I believe that I will continue to use them for the rest of the week. They should perk up the room nicely. After all, I am saving up my candles for the Grand Ritual, so my bedroom has been woefully lacking in . . . how can I say this? "Character."

In scanning Amazon for possibly useful materials, I came across a seller who appeared to have possession of a large selenite rose. I was immediately intrigued. For one thing, it was a gorgeous design, and quite possibly one of the most lovely non-manmade sculptures I have ever seen. And for another, the price was ludicrously low. I was almost angry that the owner should so undersell their precious good. My only conclusion was that they were either a) unaware of their possession's properties and value, or b) they did not, in fact, possess the object they claimed to, and were undercharging to try and weasel money out of cheapskates. Neither is a very flattering portrait. But I got in contact with them nonetheless. I managed to wheedle the price down to only $30, and for the size of the rose in question, it is quite reasonable.

In other news, blog frequenter @terminallyCapricious has been blocked permanently, barring future developments. I will not be answering questions on this matter. Do not attempt to inform me of their whereabouts and doings, because it will likely pain me more to know than to speculate.

On that subject: under no circumstances should you take advice from their blog. They are a fraud and have little experience with true witchcraft. Do not heed their advice, specifically when it comes to blood magic and substitutions. Should you have a question concerning spiritual matters, please address it to me, and my answer will be far more educational and safe than theirs. Which brings me to the next segment.

Questions Answered:

In response to @cuttlefishCuller's question about animal reanimation, I would invite you to research that on your own. I do not profess to know much about necromancy, nor, in all honesty, do I believe in the field as legitimate. While we may reach behind the veil of death to converse with lost loved ones, we cannot pull them from without the veil, and that is how it should be. Attempts may have inadvisable results. Although I will not go so far as to discourage you from exploring your spirituality - for we all have that right, and I advocate its exercise - we must balance our curiosity with our safety. Message me privately for further advice.

In response to @caligulasAquarium's question about love potions: I know the answer to this. I will not give it to you, because after a mild perusal of your blog you do not seem to me the kind of person likely to use this information responsibly. Your threats to doxx me, while assuredly entertaining, have not put me in a particularly informatory mood. I wholeheartedly invite you to go on and "wwage wwar" upon me and my followers, if it suits you. I may even reblog your callout, if it's wwell wwritten.

In Personal News:

Plans to introduce myself to the next-door neighbors were wrecked when they preempted my visit with one of their own. All three of them emerged on the doorstep at three o'clock this afternoon, equipped with aesthetically pleasing smiles and a truly scrumptious tin of brownies. (I mean that the brownies were scrumptious, not the tin.)

The elder girl introduced herself as Porrim, and I will admit that I said little to her. It is very difficult to talk to a girl wearing a backless shirt when she has tattoos on her back, and in fact I was tempted to take a picture of said tattoos (were that not a gross invasion of privacy). I believe that the general picture was a dragon in a bed of roses, although I did not get as good a look as I would have preferred. Perhaps I will confer with Roxy about it later. Porrim is a sharp-witted girl with passionate opinions about social justice, and she and Roxy seem to enjoy each others' company immensely. I suspect Roxy will be stolen away many a summer afternoon to sleepovers next door. Whether or not any sleeping will take place during said sleepovers is an intriguing subject and I will do my best to report it with as much discretion and accuracy as can be maintained simultaneously.

But the object of much of my attention for the duration of the visit was Kanaya. She is charming, surely, but shy in curious ways; for example, she is quite willing to engage Roxy on the topic of local pottery outlets, but retreats immediately into her shell when my mother tried to compliment her earrings. Likewise, she was unresponsive to my attempts at conversation, and in fact turned a bright, pleasant shade of pink when I tried to breach the silence with a casual, friendly compliment.

"Your skirt is a very fetching shade of red," I said. "But the stitching around the side is irregular, suggesting that a company sewing machine was not responsible. Did you do it yourself?"

Her eyes grew very wide, and she pressed her lips together. She drew into the corner of the sofa where she sat, as if frightened by my presence; I did my best to back off, and appear as unthreatening as possible. To be honest, I do not understand what could possibly be frightening about me, but Roxy has told me before that I "like, give off a gothy vibe," so perhaps that is it. I attempted to be as un-gothy as possible.

"The stitching is very good," I added. "Do you make many of your own clothes?"

"Yes," she said, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that her voice was a sonorous, smooth sound. It was the kind of voice that would be suited to public service announcements and oration. If only she were less cautious in employing it.

"I knit," I informed her. "I'm only an amateur, but I find it to be quite therapeutic. And there is a certain joy in wearing clothes you made with your own hands."

"Oh."

"Maybe we could combine our skillsets sometime." This was a little daring of me, I admit, but in times such as these, and with such a meek conversationalist, we must all utilize a little courage to engineer successful friendships.

"I suppose?" She fidgeted with her hands. Her nails were filed short and painted jade green. "If you like."

"I would like, very much," I encouraged her. "It would be lovely to have a next-door neighbor that one can be friends with, don't you think?"

"It would," she agreed. "My last neighborhood had very few people my age."

"This one is populated densely by children. You needn't fret for sociality. I can introduce you to my friends, if you want."

"That would be nice." Her cheeks darkened even further. "You're kind."

"Only utilitarian," I assured her. "It is advantageous to have a friend nearby at all times. Did you know I can see your bedroom from my window?"

This was, in retrospect, a poor choice, conversationally speaking. I have done my best to spend minimal time regretting it. However, seeing as Roxy spit up her soda from across the room upon hearing it, I doubt I will be allowed to forget it any time soon.

"No?" Kanaya gave me a look that communicated with crystal clarity how odd she found my statement. "Er. Can you see it very clearly?"

"No! No. Only a few feet. Not much at all." I did not look at her. "Just the curtains, most of the time."

"Well," she said, slowly. "By that logic, I should be able to see yours."

"That's right. Can you?"

"Haven't tried," she said. Then, with a shred - nay, an ounce - of playfulness: "Might do, later on."

"It would be only fair," I agreed.

"My thinking exactly."

I found her smile exquisitely well-suited to her face. I am in no way averse to seeing it again, and repeated as often as possible.

The Maryams - another name which will bear a hasty Google search, once I am finished with the post - left exactly forty-three minutes after arriving, and Kanaya waved to me shyly before leaving. It tickled me. Her wave is terribly cute.

Before my next post, I intend to see her again. I will report on the results of said meeting for any interested, as always, in the "Personal News" section. 

As always, the inquiry box is open. Feel free to solicit advice on any and all supernatural feats that you have witnessed or seek to witness.

Have a good evening, Readers.

-tentacleTherapist


	3. Chapter 3

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] messaged  tentacleTherapist [TG]  at 3:21 P.M.

GA: Your Post About Desert Roses Was Interesting  
GA: Unfortunately I Believe That You May Have Confused Some Of The Terminology  
GA: Id Est  
GA: Although Selenite And Desert Rose Are Both Types Of Gypsum  
GA: Selenite Is Not Actually Itself A Desert Rose  
GA: I Am Sorry If This Message Comes Across As Patronizing Or Righteous  
GA: I Merely Thought That It Might Interest You  
TT: No, I'm glad someone told me. God knows somewhere along the line a geologist might have commented on the post, and I'd have made a fool of myself.  
TT: I'll edit the post.  
TT: As a matter of curiosity, how did you come across that information yourself?  
TT: Are rare crystals and stones a subject of study for you?  
GA: No  
GA: At Least  
GA: I Would Not Consider Myself An Expert To Half The Extent That You Are  
GA: I Only Know About Selenite From An Old Friend Of Mine Who Involves Herself Regularly In Mining Expeditions And Will Periodically Send Me Links To Things She Finds Interesting  
GA: An Article On Desert Roses Happened To Be One Of Them  
GA: Her Url Is @apocalypseArisen If You Are Interested In Talking To Her  
GA: Although Not Spiritually Inclined She Is Quite Pleasant To Talk To And Seems To Know A Good Deal About The Materials Involved In Spiritual Rituals  
GA: It May Be Worth A Try To "Drop Her A Line" So To Speak  
TT: Noted and added to my to-do list.  
TT: Thanks for the advice. Man, I might have made a rube of myself, mightn't I?  
TT: That teaches me to skim the Wikipedia page instead of reading thoroughly.  
TT: But you can't tell anyone my secret, mind. Most believe me to be fabulously well-researched.  
GA: Your Secret Is Safe With Me  
GA: Ha Ha  
GA: By The Way Sorry To Ramble On But Seeing As This May Be The Only Chance I Have To Contact You Personally With Assurance Of Visibility I Would Like To Tell You That I Love Your Blog  
GA: Your Advice Is Insightful And Brilliant And I Have Executed Many A Successful Ritual At Your Behest And Your Answer Section Never Fails To Provide Good Advice And Your Personal News Is Fascinatingly Told Despite Often Recording Only The Mundane  
GA: And Reading Your Blog Has Often Pulled Me From Some Very  
GA: Low  
GA: Places  
GA: Places From Which Even My Close Friends Were Incapable Of Bringing Me Despite Their Assured Care And Efforts And  
GA: I Would Like To Say That You Inspired Me To Make My Own Blog  
GA: Albeit One Of Significantly Less Quality And Renown Than Yours  
GA: Sorry I Am Rambling Please Say Something To Shut Me Up  
TT: Oh, not a chance.  
TT: I'm thoroughly enjoying this.  
TT: In all seriousness, I am both flattered and undeserving of the earnesty in your praise.  
TT: I'm just running a little one-woman-show over here, nothing special, just a girl with a blog and a fascination with dark forces. An ordinary story, really. And hopefully you're in a better place now than you were, although if you're not, I understand. Recovery can be hard, can't it?  
TT: Retrospectively that sounded overly patronizing. That's not what I meant.  
TT: I mean that I was in a . . . low place, as you put it, too.  
TT: And it was my interest in the occult that brought me out of it. Running a blog has the added benefit of raking in a fair share of kind anonymous messages, which never fail to brighten my day. So I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I understand your perspective, and it's not creepy at all. It's actually very similar to what I went through.  
TT: Unless I'm misunderstanding you.  
GA: No  
GA: No That Is Not The Case  
GA: You Have Understood Me Perfectly  
GA: I Am Surprised That You Are So Open About Being In The Same State As Me  
GA: You Always Come Off As Someone Who Just  
GA: Has It Together  
TT: An elaborately crafted illusion.  
TT: I very rarely have anything "together."  
TT: (This is another secret that I entrust you with.)  
GA: Another Secret Which I Will Keep To The Grave  
TT: So what's your blog about?  
TT: I would look at it myself, but my internet is being somewhat cranky.  
GA: Oh Thats All Right  
GA: I Am Actually Kind Of Glad That You Cant See It  
GA: Its Really Not Much  
GA: Embarrassing When Compared With Yours  
TT: I don't believe that.  
TT: A user as composed as you?  
TT: Surely you've got some inspiring original content that I could delight myself with.  
GA: Its  
GA: A Photojournaling Blog  
GA: In Which I Post Pictures Of My Fashion Projects  
GA: And Landscapes  
GA: To Some Extent It Is Just A Vault For My Sisters Photography  
GA: Populated On Occasion By My Little Pet Couture Projects  
TT: Really?  
TT: What kind of fashion?  
TT: Are we talking runway-ready New York Fashion Week, arts-and-crafts model clothes, or designs more appealing to the public at large? Not that either would be disappointing, of course, but I'm curious.  
GA: The Second One  
GA: High Fashion Is To Me A Little Disappointing Of Late  
GA: Especially In The Department Of Model Diversity Which Is Why I Do Not Often Patronize Its Demonstrations  
GA: It Is All Well And Good To Design Clothes But They Are Not Very Useful To Me Or Anybody Else If Nobody But A Model Can Wear Them  
GA: Especially Seeing As Very Few Models Look Like Me  
GA: My Apologies I Have Still Not Provided You With An Actual Answer To Your Question  
GA: I Usually Design Dresses And Skirts  
GA: I Also Dabble In Commissions For Cosplays  
GA: You Would Be Surprised How Many People Would Pay For Someone Who Knows What Theyre Doing To Help Out In The Sewing Department  
GA: Cons Are Often Surprisingly Rough On The Handiwork Of Amateur Seamstresses  
TT: Please don't think you need to apologize for rambling, I do it often enough myself.  
TT: Your commentary on High Fashion is fascinating. I admit that I don't really get into that area, nor does anyone in my social circle, so my awareness of its pitfalls is scant. Although I applaud your initiative in taking said problems into your hands. I really do wish I could get a look at your blog, I'd love to see some of your comissions.  
GA: Oh Er Well  
GA: Some Of Them Are Not Exactly  
GA: Child Friendly  
GA: Which Is To Say  
GA: I Am Not Scrupulous In Choosing My Clientele  
GA: And So Some Of The Costumes I Sew Are A Tad  
GA: Uh  
GA: Nsfw  
TT:  
TT: Well now I absolutely have to have a look.  
TT: Standby.  
GA: No No Please Please  
GA: Here I Will Send You A Photograph Of What I Regard As My Best Work  
GA: jadecomplacency.jpg  
TT: Hmmm.  
TT: This is quite something.  
GA: Uh  
GA: Something Good  
GA: I Hope  
TT: Obviously, Ms. Auxiliatrix, it is good. The notion that anyone could cast their eyes upon this image and be confronted by anything but the most awestruck and deeply positive emotions is a ridiculous one.  
TT: My cryptic response was generated by me attempting to discern the inspiration for such a dress.  
TT: And, given the particular patterns and colors employed, in coalition with the title of the image you sent, I am left with naught but to voice my thoughts and ask for confirmation or rejection.  
TT: Is this perhaps a commission for someone looking to cosplay Calmasis?  
GA: It Is In Fact Calmasis Yes  
GA: Although It Is For Me  
GA: Not For A Commissioner  
GA: Have You Read Complacency Of The Learned  
TT: Have I read it? Dear, it's only my favorite book. And a strong contender for the best piece of literature ever written.  
TT: Calmasis' journey from reluctant hero to triumphant contender for good, despite losing none of the morally grey nature that made them interesting in the first place? The sharp critique of stale thought-chambers and intellectual elitism? The backdrop in a land of fantasy and foolishness to trick the easily satisfied bestseller-loving public into buying what was really a nuanced portrayal of societal flaws and their perpetuators?  
TT: I.E.: Yes, I have most certainly read it.  
GA: Yes  
GA: Yes Yes Yes Exactly All Of What You Just Said That Is What I Think  
GA: Only Significantly Less Eloquent And More Vague  
TT: Well, it's good to know that you have refined tastes.  
TT: I insist that we continue this conversation in depth at a later date.  
TT: However, for now, it's about posting time. I have followers to update on my current situation.  
TT: It was lovely talking to you, GA. As soon as my wifi is up and working, I'll be following your blog.  
GA: Oh Gosh  
TT: Another time, GA.  
TT: -TT 

* * *

Date: June 9, 2016. Weather: Humid. Mood: Energized.

News:

I unearthed a set of my grandmother's tarot cards from the attic today. It is a lovely pack, with personalized illustrations. There is an accompanying book of card interpretations, written by my grandmother herself, although I admit I only skimmed it. Due to the personal nature of tarot, knowing what she thought the cards meant for her will not affect their meanings for me. I could write a longer post about tarot, and the relationship between cards and diviner, but I will not, presently. This is, after all, one of my private updates, and the aforementioned post would likely take far more time than I want to allocate in this brief News segment.

Out of curiosity, I did a general reading earlier today. Although readings are different for everyone, I elected to light a few of my lavender candles and set out some rose quartz. Of course, these adornments are not necessary accompaniments to good and accurate readings. They are merely things that I felt would help me focus on the cards and their meanings. It was a simple three-card draw, nothing as complex as some more experienced diviners might attempt. My results were thus:

The Queen of Pentacles - a solitary figure, yet responsible and just despite her solitude. She who strives to aid others even in leu of her own achievement. Practical, but lacking in ambition.

The Knight of Cups - a romantic card, representative of future engagement and pleasure. An indicator of harmony and pursuit of deep interpersonal connection.

The Sun - optimism, future joy, promise of new beginnings. A card of purity and satisfaction in one's life, enjoyment of what is present.

I hope I have not become too esoteric in these readings. You need not interpret these cards as I do; I only thought to offer possible meanings, in case they help some of you narrow down what this reading could mean for you in particular. I myself don't really know what these cards are supposed to mean for me and my future, but I can only hope that, given that they are all positive cards, they will indicate something pleasant. Perhaps a breakthrough in preparations for the Grand Ritual.

Questions Answered:

In response to @arsenicCatnip's question about familiars: your selection of familiar is entirely up to you. Ultimately, there is no rule as to how one's familiar is selected, for example, my own, Jaspers (may he rest in peace), was found at a rescue shelter and was my pet for three years before I found he was any help to me in my summonings. Unfortunately, he died soon after I started this blog, so I never managed to document how he changed any of my practices. Actually, I would be interested to see your findings. If you do end up choosing a familiar, please drop a note in my inbox.

In response to what is not a question, but is something I feel should be addressed nonetheless: if any of you want a really good laugh, @caligulasAquarium's callout post for me made my day. (I linked it at the bottom of the post.) The fact that they likely believe everything written on it makes its existence even funnier.

Personal News:

Kanaya and Porrim have started a garden in their backyard whose existence is dangerous for my health. Seeing as it is summer in New York, I completely get a resistance to wearing modest clothing. Logically, I know that their choice is not one motivated by a desire to be alluring, but by a desire not to catch heatstroke. But yesterday, Kanaya walked outside in a tank top. And her arms, it should be noted, are very muscular. I regret to say that I was unable to finish my meditations for at least half an hour after that.

It is not her fault. It is entirely my own lack of discipline which forestalled the conclusion to my meditation. But put any teenage girl in the same position - any, I assure you - of bearing witness to the biceps of Kanaya Maryam, and she will display the exact same reaction. I defy anyone to act differently, in my position.

They are planting tiger lilies and a few rosebushes. There is also a stone fountain, which they set up just this morning. Porrim lay on her back underneath it for hours, fixing the wiring. She had her lip piercing in. It was a steel ring, today. She would nibble it periodically when something about the configuration perplexed her. It was unreasonably interesting and at one point I simply closed my curtains. It is unreasonable to expect anyone to charge their selenite in such conditions.

Roxy invited Porrim over for a sleepover next week. I adore my sister, but sometimes I truly despise her. How am I supposed to get any rest knowing that Porrim Maryam is sleeping in the bedroom next to mine?

Of course, my sister, because she is brilliant in her own ways, suggested a solution: that I invite Kanaya over, and make it a "2xsleepovercombobob." An odd expression, but a good idea nonetheless. My mother thought the idea was splendid. Apparently she doesn't think I have enough friends, or something. (@turntechGodhead - I thought that might amuse you.)

So the two of them are coming over the day after next. Which, as you might have just noticed, is one of my update days. Not to fear; I will not allow the presence of an unreasonably beautiful girl in my bedroom deter me from my work. You will receive a regular update on the eleventh, or I give you my permission to flood my inbox with lovingly exasperated messages.

As always, the inquiry box is open. Feel free to solicit advice on any and all supernatural feats that you have witnessed or seek to witness.

Have a good evening, Readers.

-tentacleTherapist


	4. Chapter 4

GA: Oh My God  
GA: Oh My God Oh My God  
GA: Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God  
CG: WHAT?  
CG: KANAYA?  
CG: WHAT'S WRONG WHAT THE FUCK  
GA: She  
GA: She Is Talking About My Biceps  
GA: Karkat  
GA: She Is Talking About Me And Porrim  
GA: In Explicit Detail  
GA: Very Explicit  
GA: She Appears To Think I Am  
GA: Aesthetically Pleasing  
GA: Karkat I Dont Know How Much More Of This I Can Handle  
CG: DO YOU WANT ME TO MESSAGE HER?   
CG: I CAN TELL HER TO KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF  
CG: THAT SHIT IS CREEPY, SHE SHOULDN'T BE GIVING AWAY YOUR NAME ONLINE.  
GA: No  
GA: I Am Not Averse To It  
GA: But  
GA: Karkat She Invited Me For A Sleepover  
GA: A Sleepover  
GA: How Am I Supposed To  
GA: She Does Not Know I Have A Blog  
GA: She Has No Idea  
GA: How Am I Supposed To Breach The Subject  
GA: I  
CG: LOOK, IF I'VE LEARNED ANYTHING FROM TERRIBLE MOVIES, IT'S THAT THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF SHIT YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF ASAP.  
CG: WHAT IF YOU ACTUALLY END UP FRIENDS WITH HER?  
CG: WHAT IF, THREE YEARS INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP, YOU LET SLIP THAT YOU'VE FOLLOWED HER BLOG FOR AGES BEFORE YOU MET HER?  
CG: WHAT IF IT'S THE WEDGE THAT FINALIZES YOUR DIVORCE?  
CG: MISCOMMUNICATION IS THE ENEMY OF HEALTHY ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS.  
GA: Okay But Consider  
GA: What If I Just Let It Slide  
CG: WHAT? NO, THAT IS LIKE, EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I SAID  
GA: Karkat If I Tell Her She Will Probably Stop  
GA: And I Like  
GA:  
GA: She Talks About Me A Lot  
GA: And She Is Always Flattering  
CG: OH, OKAY.  
CG: YOU'RE GOING TO LET ROSE LALONDE DELUDE HERSELF INTO THINKING YOU'VE NEVER BEEN ON THE INTERNET BECAUSE YOU WANT HER TO KEEP WAXING RHAPSODIC ON YOUR MUSCLES.  
CG: GOOD TO KNOW WE'RE STRAIGHT HERE.  
CG: OR. WELL, TECHNICALLY, NONE OF US ARE STRAIGHT HERE, BUT ALL OF US ARE MORE OR LESS CERTAIN OF WHAT WE ARE DOING, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER IT'S A GOOD IDEA.  
GA: Yes  
CG: SO WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU NEED ME FOR  
CG: AM I JUST SUPPOSED TO SIT HERE AND WORRY FOR THE STATE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP LIKE AN UNDERPAID THERAPIST?  
CG: BECAUSE IF SO, JUST LET ME KNOW.  
CG: I WILL DRAW UP MY ENORMOUS LEATHER CHAIR OF UNDERAPPRECIATION AND BRANDISH MY PEN OF UNHEEDED ADVICE. OBSERVE MY METICULOUSLY CRAFTED EXPRESSION OF TIRED PATIENCE, DEVELOPED BY YEARS OF FUCKING ABUSE.  
GA: You Are Being Overdramatic And Silly  
GA: Desist  
CG: OH, PARDON ME. SOUND ADVICE FROM THE GIRL WHO'S SO FUCKING NONSENSICAL SHE'D RATHER ENWRAP HERSELF IN LAYER UPON LAYER OF DECEIT AND FALSE IDENTITY RATHER THAN TELL ROSE LALONDE THAT HER ATTRACTION IS MUTUAL.  
CG: JESUS FUCK. YOU HAVE THE GOOD LUCK TO CATCH THE ATTENTION OF YOUR CELEBRITY CRUSH AND YOU FIGURE THAT THE BEST COURSE OF ACTION IS TO STAY SILENT.  
CG: HOW ARE YOU SO SMART AND ALSO SO FUCKING DUMB.  
GA: Well Hey Now  
GA: Do You Want To Talk About Celebrity Crushes  
GA: Cough Turntech Cough  
CG: WOW, DO YOU HEAR THAT?  
CG: IT IS REMINISCENT OF A CHORUS OF ANGELS, BEDECKED WITH PRISTINE WHITE FEATHERS, DESCENDING FROM THE HEAVENS WHILST CHEERING A GLORIOUS, ELEGANT RHAPSODY OF "FUCK YOU."  
CG: BUT NAY; THE ANGELS ARE ALL ME, AND I AM ALL THE ANGELS. AND SO IT IS I THAT DESCENDS FROM THE HEAVENS, MIDDLE FINGERS BARED AS THE LORD JESUS BARED HIS FACE BEFORE PHILISTINES - SAID PHILISTINES WHOM, IN THIS CASE, REJECTING OF THE GOOD ADVICE OF THEIR LORD AND AIDE, BEAR THE NAME "MARYAM" - TO IMBUE UPON YOU THE IMMENSE AND UNLIMITED BLESSING OF MY DISDAIN.  
CG: AS PLENTIFUL AS THE LOVE OF JESUS CHRIST FOR HIS PUBLIC, SO IS MY DISDAIN FOR YOU.  
CG: DRINK OF IT, AND BE MERRY.  
GA: I Will Drink Of Nothing  
CG: WHY DO I WASTE MY TIME.  
GA: I Really Dont Know  
GA: You Are Fully Aware That Your Elaborate Speeches Will Not Draw The Reaction You Seek From Me  
GA: Nor Will I Engage You In One Of Your "Roast Sessions" Which You Seem To So Enjoy  
CG: FORCE OF HABIT.  
CG: HEY, YOU MIND IF I COPY/PASTE THAT INTO MY CHAT WITH SOLLUX?  
CG: HE'S BEING AN ASS AND THINKING UP THAT SHIT TAKES TIME.  
GA: Go Ahead  
CG: THANKS  
GA: I Have To Go Over To Roses Now  
GA: Porrim Is Already Irritated At Me For Being Late  
GA: To Be Honest I Do Not Think It Matters All That Much  
GA: Its Not Like It Will Take That Long To Go Over There Anyway They Are Literally Just Ten Feet Away Porrim  
CG: SURE, SURE.  
CG: LET ME KNOW HOW IT GOES.  
GA: I Will

* * *

Date: June 11, 2016. Weather: Dark. Mood: Tired.

News:

It's 11:59 as I post this so technically, I am not late. Never let it be said I sacrificed nothing for the love of my followers.

To be honest, nothing terribly spiritual happened today. I woke up late because yesterday I was online until the dark hours of the morning, and then I was occupied by helping Roxy. If you don't mind, I'm going to postpone this story until the "Personal News" section. Suffice it to say that the only notable piece for the News section is that Kanaya brought a few crystals of her own, which was a pleasant surprise. She seems to favor red jasper and emeralds, and we did a crystal grid together. It was very pleasant. Its energies were stronger than the ones I had performed on my own, and in fact she had a few tips which I had not heard of before. She was surprised that I had not heard of the pointers she gave, and thereafter was more confident in her suggestions. I suspect that we may be getting somewhere as regards her shyness. I suppose there's nothing quite like sleeping with somebody to break the ice.

In reviewing the previous line, I suppose that younger readers may be a tad scandalized by my wording, but I will not change it. The wordplay is intentional, and should anyone be made suspicious by the phrasing, I would point out that it is their mind that first thought of the more lurid meaning, not mine.

Questions Answered:

In response to @cuttlefishCuller's question about seafaring familiars: there is absolutely nothing stopping you from taking a marine animal (i.e., a cuttlefish, perhaps?) as a familiar. Again, the animal should be one of personal importance to you. If that animal happens to be one built for the waters, and not the earth or skies, then so be it. The only difficulty I can imagine inherent to having an affinity for marine life is access. If your familiar is a koi fish or some other relatively easy-to-procure creature, then there is no issue. But certain animals can only prosper in deep-sea environments or deep-sea simulations. And to the extent of my knowledge (please, if you have contradictory experiences, share them) you cannot conduct summonings in an aquarium. At least, not without the help of someone on staff.

In response to @gardenGnostic's question about herbal arrangements: Jade, you know full well that you are more experienced in this area than I, and it is childish of you to force me to admit this in a public forum. If you want me to recognize your superiority, fine, and in fact, I will freely advocate my followers also go peruse your blog if their interests trend towards the natural and "homegrown" approach to spellcasting, then she has a lovely collection of tips and tricks. But as for those born and raised in the city: if you can't grow, wrap, package, and seal your own incense, storebought is fine.

Personal News:

I apologize if it was painfully obvious to anyone reading that I hurried through the earlier parts of my update to reach this section, but I have rather a lot to get off my chest. Forgive me; I will remedy the difference in my next post.

The day started disastrously. Roxy woke me at 9:00 to go shopping, fully aware that it was disruptive to my daily routine. She seemed to believe me undersupplied in the pajama department, and wanted me to "look your damn finest for KMary and Porridge," - whatever that's supposed to mean. I informed her that my nightgown was a classy blend of Victorian elegance and modern chic, but she would hear nothing of it. She wrenched me from my bed and refused to leave my room until I put on some clothes, and then hauled me into her car and took me shopping against my will.

I will say this for Roxy: shopping with her is preferable to shopping with my mother, but only marginally. Instead of hauling me in the direction of frills and bows, Roxy went immediately for the strangest articles in the store. I would suspect her to be motivated by my suffering if I not know her to be incapable of such ill will.

Before the end of the trip, I was forced to try on and model no less than seven sets of pajamas, each of increasingly ludicrous design. There was one in bright pink; another in an equally horrid and vibrant shade of blue. Roxy seemed to like them, and bought both. Personally, I wouldn't be caught dead in either, but to each their own; she looked decent in them, so her purchase wasn't entirely ill-advised. She also made me try on various sets of lingerie, to my great horror. I have never worn lingerie in my life, and I cannot believe that my sister would prompt me to consider it. What would my mother think?

A note for all those out there considering it: lingerie is horrifically uncomfortable and should be worn only by those truly, desperately in love with their partners. The sets Roxy chose had wires that protruded from underneath the breast and forced the cups upward, not to mention a layer of sheer lace that covered nothing substantial. I am not unaware of the aesthetic appeal of such costumes. But I am all too aware of the way it drains one to wear. Furthermore, the prices were ridiculous. With the money that Roxy spent on one set of lingerie, I could have procured three sets of nightgowns like the one I already wear. It is robbery and I will not support an institution founded on such corruption.

I ended up buying a pair of sweatpants and a shirt with some cheeky quip printed on the back, because she insisted that I had to spend money and I was not looking for an argument in public. The quip reads "I BITE" and the t-shirt itself cost twenty-five dollars. Why would anyone think such a simplistic slogan is deserving of twenty-five dollars? Come back and ask for my money when you've thought of something clever.

Kanaya and Porrim came over at around four o'clock, although they were fifteen minutes late. Porrim was noticeably miffed at their lateness; Kanaya was not. I gathered from this that their tardiness was Kanaya's fault, and had the good sense not to ask her about it. She brought with her a sleeping bag and an enormous duffle bag. I will admit I was bewildered at its size, and wondered what how many things she required to get ready for bed. This, too, I refrained from asking about, for perhaps there were some sensitive materials in the bag that she did not wish me to know about. I am, if nothing else, conscious of others' desire for privacy.

She seemed surprised by the decor and went immediately to the bookshelf, where she at once removed "Sunrise," a book weathered by years of page-flipping and dog-earing.

"I own this," she said, looking bewildered.

"Oh, it's a good book, isn't it?" I admit to being flustered, but in my defense, it was the first time a girl unrelated to me had been in my room; it was an understandably overwhelming experience.

"I bought a box set with an extended guide," she said excitedly. "When I was younger - I - well."

"What?"

"I dressed up as the main character. To entertain the fantasy. It was - enjoyable."

"That's adorable."

"It's embarrassing," she said, closing the book sharply. "But I did it, so."

(For those unaware, "Sunrise" is a supernatural novel following the gradual maturation and eventual sexual awakening of its human protagonist, featuring several strapping supernatural women of various qualities and abilities. It is available on Amazon; I will put the link below the post.)

"Do you have photos?"

"No - no, of course not. Thank goodness." She laughed, scratched the back of her neck. "It wasn't something I'm - proud of? But seeing that brings back memories." She sat on my bed, crossing one leg over the other, and inquired, "Do you have anything in particular planned for tonight?"

Well, I had to take a good few seconds to compose myself after that. Readers, what would you do? The question was posed so innocently, but the manner and circumstances under which it was raised. If you were in my place - frankly, I think I deserve a commendation for the rapidity with which I regained composure.

"No," I said, eloquently.

She was evidently disappointed. "Oh, well. I brought some things." She reached into her bag, rummaged around, and withdrew a small leather pouch. "Do you partake in crystals, by any chance?"

From the look she gave me I might almost suspect that she already knew I enjoy the occult and magical. But given that her sister and mine had spoken before, and that Roxy undoubted had disclosed some facts about me, I did not think anything of it. Besides - even looking around my room, it isn't hard to discern.

I said I did, and she seemed quite pleased with herself at having guessed correctly. Then, as you already know, we built a crystal grid together. I leant some of my own more prized crystals to contribute, and the end result to this moment permeates my room with a pleasant, soothing sensation. I feel at peace, now, despite the presence of someone else in a private space. Such is the work of well-organized and compatible crystals. 

After we were finished, almost half an hour had passed in pleasurable silence. I was suddenly aware that Kanaya Maryam is the kind of person with whom one can spend much time saying nothing at all and still feel as though kinship has been established. Such friendships are rare and to be treasured, as I hope ours will be, soon. Although I do not know if the feeling was mutual, I hope it was. 

Dinner was pizza with my mother's grated parmesan cheese. I suspect that she grated the cheese herself to try and suggest that she was an artisan chef, despite the fact that the pizza was ordered from Domino's. Porrim brought more of the brownies that we sampled the first time they came over and it was delectable. I noticed a significant amount of suggestive looks being exchanged between Roxy and Porrim over dinner, and I attempted to ignore it as best I could. But it is somewhat difficult to mind your own business when your own sister's foot catches yours by accident when she is attempting to engage the girl adjacent to yourself in a game of footsie. I gave her a solid kick to the shin as a warning shot and she looked suitably abashed. All seventeen-year-olds are insatiable, I believe.

Afterward, Mom suggested that we watch a movie, but Roxy and Porrim unanimously vetoed the idea. Kanaya looked mortified by her sister's vehemence, as was I (to Roxy, of course; I would not presume to be mortified nor disappointed by Porrim). I have no idea what they went to do in their room.

I acquiesced to the movie to keep my mother from feeling too bad about it, as she is prone to do. Kanaya seemed to have no objections. The movie we watched was "Complacency," which, I will gladly inform you, is just as enjoyable in the fifteenth watching as it was in the fourteenth. I caught Kanaya mouthing the lines at one point. I suspect she knows it, too.

One thing I found curious was that Kanaya insisted - non-negotiably - on changing in the bathroom. I assured her that I would not look (and I was earnest; I am not the lecherous type), but she refused to budge on the issue. Of course, I didn't press the subject. She disappeared into the bathroom and returned a few minutes later in bulky pajamas. She looked utterly adorable, of course, nearly swimming in an enormous gold hoodie and loose grey pants. I insisted on a photo, which she acquiesced to, albeit reluctantly. That photograph is currently my lockscreen.

I debated wearing the pajamas Roxy bought for me, but faced with the immediate presence of someone who would see me in them, I was suddenly anxious. In light of our discussion of "Sunrise" - a novel featuring vampires aplenty - "BITE ME" seemed a bit audacious. But then, was Victorian lace any better? I was sitting in the presence of someone who sews her own clothes.

Ultimately, I decided on the latter. At the very least, I would be odd in an unorthodox way.

I need not have worried. Kanaya was, as ever, composed and thoughtful, and appeared delighted by the choice.

"Is that real lace?" She came closer than ever before to get a better look at my ruffled neckline. I am sorry to admit that I froze up. But she was very close. And she is very pretty.

"Yes. Yes, it's real. I bought it from an antique shop."

"It's so well done." Her fingers hovered over the ruff, and then she snatched her hands back, apparently becoming aware of her invasion of my space. "Oh, I'm so - I'm so sorry, I - that was inappropriate of me, I -"

"No," I said, much louder than I meant to. "You can - if you prefer - I suppose, it is well constructed, isn't it? And you can - you can look at it, certainly, and touch, if you - I mean, touch the ruff, not the - yes."

She pinched one of the lace layers between two fingers and rubbed it. I attempted to breathe properly despite overwhelming odds. Her face was very close. I could see the scattering of pimples hidden beneath a layer of makeup, and some of her hair brushed against my cheek.

"Could you take me there?" She said it while blushing, but was resolute. "I'd like to see somewhere with this kind of fabric."

Her breath was on my face. It was unquestionably the most erotic moment of my life.

"Yes," I assured her. "Of course. For now, though -"

"Sorry." She moved away, sat down on her sleeping bag. "I like fabrics." 

"I noticed," I said, still breathless and a little winded.

"Sorry," she repeated. "Sorry."

"Don't be sorry. It's -" I really couldn't think of any way to finish that sentence without revealing myself for all my inappropriate notions, so I said, "acceptable," and then proceeded to mentally kick myself, repeatedly, and with much gusto.

"Right. Uh, okay." She folded herself into the sleeping bag. "Well. See you tomorrow, then."

"That I will." I hesitated. "Do you mind if I go on my laptop? I just have a few things to tend to."

She might have smiled, but she turned away from me quickly, so I couldn't get a decent look. "Of course. Please do."

"It won't take a moment," I said, and then scrambled for my laptop, desperate to record every second of the interaction.

So there you have it. My apologies if this entry was private-life-heavy. I needed somewhere to talk about it and @turntechGodhead isn't online right now, so you have received the unnecessary exposition that he might have weathered otherwise.

Thank you all for your patience, and I will update you on further developments as they occur.

As always, the inquiry box is open. Feel free to solicit advice on any and all supernatural feats that you have witnessed or seek to witness. 

Have a good evening, Readers.

-tentacleTherapist


	5. Chapter 5

GA: So Uh   
GA: I Have A Question For You   
TT: It is the mysterious costumer, risen from an extended period of silence to once again grace my notifs.   
TT: Why the lack of contact?  
TT: I was looking forward to our discussion about Complacency. I have a feeling that there is much that both of us have left unsaid on the subject, and I will not rest until we have beaten the dead horse so thoroughly into the ground that it becomes one with the dust over which it once fell.  
TT: I have also been looking through your blog.  
GA: Thats Why  
GA: Your Url In My Notifications Is Somewhat Offputting  
GA: And It Seemed That Every Time I Wanted To Say Something To You  
GA: I Would Suddenly Rethink My Proposed Topic Of Conversation And Deem It Insufficient For The Likes Of You  
GA: My Apologies If I Have Come Across As Standoffish  
GA: It Was Not My Intention  
TT: Well, you did, but I can hardly hold you accountable. I have been known to do the same thing, on occasion.   
TT: I'll just take this as a hint to initiate our conversations myself more often, in the future. Be the change you want to see in the world, is it?  
GA: Please Do  
TT: But I've berated you enough. What was your question about?  
GA: Oh  
GA: Hold On I Wrote It Down Somewhere  
GA: Yes All Right  
GA: Do You  
GA: Hmmm  
TT: Ms. Auxiliatrix, you can't dangle such a enigmatic inquiry over my head and then refuse to execute it.  
TT: I am on the edge of my seat with fascination. Please sally forth with your question, lest I tumble from this chair entirely.   
GA: Okay  
GA: Ms Therapist  
GA: Doyouwantmetomakesomethingforyoumaybe  
GA: Possibly  
GA: I Mean Not For Money Of Course It Would Be Something I Do Of My Own Volition And With My Own Funds I Am Just Only Asking To Get Your Permission Because  
GA: Uh  
GA: I Do Not Want To Be Creepy  
TT: I would be delighted if you made something for me. In fact, even now I am a little startled by the generosity of your offer, but of course I won't turn it down.  
TT: What did you have in mind?  
TT: I'm partial to suits, but if skirts are your specialty, I won't turn down a finely made dress.  
GA: A Dress Was What I Had Sketched Out Although That Can Be Changed With Relative Ease  
GA: I Imagined Something Purple  
GA: And Black  
GA: To Match Your Blog Theme  
GA: Is That Cheesy  
TT: Quite.  
TT: Also adorable, though, so don't sweat it.  
TT: I can send you some pictures of favored garments that I own, if that would make your job easier. But I don't want to ruin your artistic vision with too much input.   
GA: Thats Ok  
GA: I Think I Will Manage  
GA: It Will Take Some Time To Get The Fabrics And Such  
GA: But Ultimately I Do Not Believe You Will Be Dissatisfied  
TT: I find it hard to imagine that I would be dissatisfied with anything you make me, after a perusal of your blog. There are some simply splendid robes there. I am particularly fond of your . . . I forget its name. "Squiddleknit"?  
TT: The use of color and ornament - just fantastic.  
GA: Oh Man  
GA: Thanks  
TT: A pleasure.  
GA: On The Subject  
GA: I Read Your Latest Post About The Sleepover  
TT: Oh, dear. Was it too explicit?  
TT: I know that some of my followers were disgruntled at the degree of detail. But I really couldn't imagine another place to talk about it. Really, it was an emotional ordeal for everyone involved.  
GA: Oh I Did Not Mind It At All  
GA: Really It Was The Exact Opposite I Enjoy Your Personal News Sections Immensely They Are Entertaining And Funny  
GA: I Just Wanted To Say  
GA: Uh  
GA:   
GA:   
TT: What?  
TT: Once more you tempt my curiosity but fail to sate.  
GA: Nothing  
GA: Hmm I Must Have Forgotten  
GA: Ha Ha Silly Me  
TT: . . . Okay.  
TT: Do you want to talk about Complacency?  
TT: I meant it what I said about that dead horse.  
GA: I Think I Will Later But  
GA: My Sister Is Calling Me  
GA: I Think She Wants Me To Help Her With Something Outside  
GA: Which Is Irritating But Not Half So Irritating As She Is When I Do Not Give Her What She Wants  
TT: God, do I know the feeling.  
TT: Roxy won't leave me alone until I give her what she wants.  
TT: It's infuriating, isn't it?  
GA: It Is Irksome Insofar As She Is Quite Inconsiderate Of Others Time  
GA: But Charming Insofar As I Am Flattered That She Desires My Presence With Such Frequency And Vigor  
TT: Golly, do you have a good attitude about it. I suppose you're right.  
TT: You'd best go talk to her.   
GA: Right-O  
GA: I Will Talk To You Again Maybe  
GA: Ms Therapist  
TT: I'll hold you to it, Ms. Auxiliatrix.  
TT: ;)  
GA: What  
GA: Oh  
GA: Uh  
GA: :)

* * *

TG: jeezus  
TG: i think you talked more about kanaya in that last post than you did literally anything else  
TG: which i guess is understandable  
TG: i mean some of your followers might have been doubting your inimitable gayness  
TG: cant have that now  
TG: ramp it up to fucking eleven is what i say  
TG: make it impossible for anyone to doubt the depth of your longing attraction to kanaya maryam  
TG: fucking bury us in that shit  
TG: compose essays on the color of her eyes  
TG: write poetry about her arms  
TG: like shit youre halfway there  
TG: now all you gotta do is get up close and personal with her to make sure your followers really get the km experience yknow  
TG: write a dissertation dissecting every aspect of your first date  
TG: interview psychological specialists on what it means when a girl rubs your lacy neckline  
TG: post a video of your first kiss  
TG: this is how sex tapes happen lalonde  
TT: "Rubs your lacy neckline" sounds obscene.  
TG: yeah thats the point  
TT: Well, you weren't responding, so I had to take matters into my own hands.  
TT: And anyway, I haven't been talking about her *that* much.  
TT: It's personal news. I can get up close and personal.  
TG: mmmyeah ok but  
TG: uhm  
TG: and this is a quote from the post itself:  
TG: "it was unquestionably the most erotic moment of my life."  
TG: lalonde  
TG: im your fucking cousin  
TG: i dont need to know that shit  
TT: If I can't talk about important issues on my blog, then where can I talk about them? Repression of free speech is the first step to the fall of democracy, Dave.  
TT: And sometimes, exercising one's right to free speech means talking about hot girls on your occult blog.  
TT: "Them's the breaks."  
TG: "democracy is literally going to die if i dont let everyone know how gay i am" - rose lalonde 2k16  
TT: I'm glad we're on the same page here.  
TT: Besides, you'd be surprised how therapeutic it is.  
TT: Have you tried talking about your emotions on your own blog? I think that a lot of your problems with expression could be avoided if you made full use of the anonymous speech platform you have been so generously and freely provided.  
TG: k we're going to back that train the fuck up out of the station because im not the subject of scrutiny here ms tentaclefucker  
TG: *therapist sorry autocorrect  
TT: It's okay. The substitution of "fucker" for "therapist" in your phone explains a lot about you.  
TG: hey look whats this  
TG: rosie.jpg  
TG: its my middle finger  
TG: goddamn how did that get there  
TT: An inspiring self-portrait, to be sure.  
TT: But you're delusional if you think that it's going to distract me from the rousing discussion of your emotional repression onto which we have suddenly stumbled.  
TT: If blogging isn't your style, perhaps you could go a different route.  
TT: Have you considered submitting to an advice ask blog? Or perhaps a vent ask blog? Those can be very helpful, if you're looking to retain complete anonymity.  
TT: @carcinoGenetecist has a very good one, I hear.  
TG: mmmnope  
TG: dont need that shit  
TG: you provide all the bullshit psychoanalysis a guy could ever possibly need  
TG: who needs to read insightful books about gender and sexual orientation when youve got a cousin ready to tell you how all your dreams are actually about dicks  
TG: i really lucked out in the genetic lottery didnt i  
TT: Say all you want, Dave. I am impervious to your ribbing; my psychoanalysis is razorlike in its accuracy.  
TT: And if you don't recall, I happen to have a very special Dave Strider original quote saved in my phone. I think it is fitting to submit for your consideration here: Ahem,  
TT: "look wanting to fuck poe dameron doesnt make you gay it makes you a human being with functioning eyeballs get off my ass" -Dave Strider, 2k16  
TG: i stand by it  
TT: All I'm saying is that Daisy Ridley, who was his costar, is the real peak human of human attractiveness. I certainly was not immune to her charms.  
TG: ok yeah sure daisy ridley is fine af  
TG: but i dont think youre getting me here  
TT: Dave, I'm a lesbian. No matter how much you argue, you realize that it is literally inconceivable for you to convince me that Poe Dameron is anything more than, on a basic and platonic level, aesthetically appealing.  
TT: Which indicates something about you.  
TG: no it doesnt  
TG: even ask john ok hes literally the straightest guy in the world hed agree with me  
TG: dirk agrees with me  
TT: Dave.  
TT:   
TT:   
TT: Dirk is gay.  
TG: well no fuckin shit lalonde i know that but  
TG: look  
TG: ok  
TG: its the principle of the thing right   
TT: I'm going to choose this moment to exit the conversation and leave you to stew in the bemused smorgasbord of your emotions, desperately reviewing your previous remarks and starting to favor the niggling doubt in the cockles of your heart about your supposed heterosexuality.  
TT: I will only say this: Statistically, it is twice as likely for the second, third, or fourth child in a family to be gay as it is for the first.  
TT: Given Dirk's orientation, what might that suggest?  
TG: cockles  
TG: what cockles  
TG: what the fuck is a cockle holy shit  
TG: did somebody actually write out that word in a dictionary and then nod and go yep sure as fuck looks like a damn good serious word nobody could ever find that ridiculous  
TT: Sigh.  
TT: Here is that URL I recommended again. Please consider it. @carcinoGeneticist  
TT: Goodbye, Dave.  
TG: cockle you later rose

* * *

Date: June 13, 2016. Weather: Sunny. Mood: Peaceful.

News:

My dear friend @ectoBiologist has mailed me a pendulum, writing in the attached note that he thought I would "like this because it's supposed to, like, do a bunch of spiritual stuff that would be really cool!" It should be noted that I don't really do pendulum readings, nor do I know how, but the gesture was touching and kind regardless. I think I will endeavor to learn how in the near future, to make good use of John's gift. It would be rude not to, I think.

It's a lovely thing, with an amethyst stone - perhaps a reference to the color of my type. I have been looking around for pendulum blogs to follow and learn from, so if anyone has suggestions, please drop them below. I think that the more we can educate ourselves about each others' spiritualities, the more we can improve our own. Who knows? Maybe I'll discover an affinity for the practice. Or maybe I'll just try it, find I don't favor it, and have a very pretty crystal for my collection. There are virtually no downsides to having more artifacts in your collection.

I have performed another tarot reading, to calm myself and satisfy an introspective mood that overcame me earlier today. Only one card, this time. More seemed excessive. My results were thus:

The Hermit - meant to represent deep thought, isolation, evaluation, and the workings of one's subconscious. Personally, I like to think it has some links to psychoanalysis, but again, that is only personal. You can make of my interpretation what you wish. 

I have been thinking more about psychoanalysis lately (@turntechGodhead) in light of certain (@turntechGodhead) conversations (@turntechGodhead). It seems to be at odds with spirituality, psychology, doesn't it? But I don't find this to be so. In fact, if you read books by Freud and Jung, they even explain why some people are more drawn to spiritual phenomena than others. I have linked my favorites below the post, if anybody is interested.

Now, on the subject of the Grand Ritual, which has suffered much discussion but is apparently still a vague concept to some of my readers:  

The ritual I plan to execute is one that I found deep in the archives of a deactivated blog about half a year ago. It is the most complicated of any I have seen or thought to attempt, which is, in all honesty, why I am drawn to it. It requires bones, candles, and several herbs which are difficult to procure where I live, which is why it has taken so long to plan and prepare for. Done successfully, it is supposed to summon an entity from Beyond unlike any that can be summoned from mere ouija or other minor forms. However, the difficulty is in treating this entity with respect and also firmness. This is what I hope to do.

I have not told my mother this, for she likely would not approve. Roxy knows, of course - she reads this blog, after all - but she does not believe that I will be successful, so it does not worry her too much. We all face doubters in our days, my followers, and we must press on despite their denouncements.

In other news: Along with the pendulum, John sent me a very cute stuffed plushy. It is a yellow salamander and I have at once assimilated it into my collection of positively charged objects. I have named him Viceroy von Salamancer and he is among the most dedicated of my subjects. I have linked a picture of His Excellency below.

Questions Answered:

In response to @cuttlefishCuller's submission, which was not a question, but bears my notice nonetheless: Congratulations. I am wholeheartedly delighted for you and @arsenicCatnip, and I hope you two will be very happy together. Please continue to record your experiences with aquarium rituals, as I find them both heartwarming and interesting to read.

In response to questions about why termina/lly/capri/cious is now on my blacklist: It is clearly defined in my Terms of Submission that photos will not contain excessive gore, blood, or NSFW content. Their violation of two out of three basic, simple rules lead to what I found a necessary and proper response.

Addendum for the safety of my readers: Their blog contains untagged gore. Peruse with caution. 

Second addendum: Stop sending me messages about this unless there is relevant information regarding them that you would like me to convey to followers.

Personal News:

(I would like to clarify that I have received Roxy's permission to disclose the following online, with the caveats that if you are related to, friends with, an acquaintance of,a follower of, or in any other way affiliated with Porrim Maryam, you will skip the rest of this post, and that it will be hidden behind a Read More for your convenience in doing so.)

This being said: Roxy and Porrim slept together.

I don't think this is a surprise to anyone who read my last post thoroughly, nor was it entirely surprising to me, but I was moderately startled nonetheless. Roxy informed me of this fact when driving me to violin lessons, with all the nonchalance of someone commenting on the weather.

"What," I said. "Just. In your room?"

"Yep."

"During the sleepover?"

"Yep."

I waited a moment.

"Was it good?"

She flicked my ear. "Down, girl."

"Keep your hands on the wheel," I said, albeit somewhat irritably. "It was just a question."

"Sure, whatever."

"It's not like I care, particularly, but I thought you might feel like disclosing. You know. Isn't that customary for sisterly talk? Talking about sex?"

"Rosie, you put a lot of shit on your blog."

"You can trust me," I said, offended.

"Dude, I don't want literally thousands of people knowing my sex life." 

"Why not? I don't see how thousands of people knowing that you had sex with a hot woman is a bad thing."

"Jesus Christ, Rose."

"What? Am I wrong?"

(I am not wrong, for the record. In my opinion, your regard for Roxy should only increase at this revelation. If you so much as consider sending a rude message about this, consider yourself blocked and doxxed already. Weigh that threat against whatever inevitably numbskulled comment is sitting on your tongue at the moment, and proceed carefully.)

"No, but, like, Jesus Christ."

"You still haven't the answered the question," I pointed out.

She made me promise not to go into detail here, and I will respect that, but for the record - the answer, apparently, was yes, very, very much so, ad infinitum.

She asked me about Kanaya, and I essentially directed her to my latest post, which she read in the car during my violin lesson and then teased me about for the rest of the day. Just because some of us choose to express our affections eloquently does not make us "total nerds," Roxy. 

Speaking of Kanaya: she has continued work on the garden and it is among the most frustrating things ever inflicted upon a poor sapphic soul. I am reminded of the quote by Virginia Woolf: “A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write"; with my own addendum: "A woman must have money and a room of her own - without windows conveniently looking onto another woman's well-tended garden - if she is to write."

Now, Ms. Maryam (the eldest, the mother of the group) has insisted on inviting us over for dinner as compensation for the sleepover. Apparently this is custom for neighbors. After inviting one over, there must be an invitation extended in return. It strikes me as a strange but overall not inconvenient method of currency. After all, it gives me a chance to stand in Kanaya Maryam's bedroom, a thought which is not unpleasant at all.

She came over today with both of her daughters in tow. I spied them coming from my bedroom window and veritably flung myself down the stairs to be the first at the door; Roxy usually answers day-to-day calls when Mother isn't here, but her bedroom does not provide her with any view of the street, so I was conveniently situated to put myself in that advantageous position. In my excitement I almost opened the door before one rang the bell. I'm sure they saw my shadow lurking behind the curtains. I didn't care.

Ms. Maryam is clearly the source of her daughters' good looks. I do not know who their other parent was, but they were rightfully quashed in the genetic lottery. She dresses in a manner not dissimilar to Morticia Addams, and wears her hair in the same way her Kanaya does. She greeted me warmly at the door and offered me a lovely white invitation with gold trim, the text of which "Cordially invites the Mmes. Lalonde Family to a dinner party with Mmes. Maryam on the 16th of June, 2016." It went on to further detail the anticipated menu and entertainment options. Had my mother received it, she likely would have kissed Ms. Maryam then and there. She loves these kinds of things. She also would be unlikely to pass up the opportunity to kiss someone like Ms. Maryam, like any hot-blooded Lalonde. 

I thanked her profoundly and waved a modest hello to Kanaya. I could not meet Porrim's eyes. Listening to your sister detail her sexual exploits - repeated, lurid sexual exploits - with a person will do that to your relationship with them. I'm sure I came off as rude, but it was all I could do as it was to keep the blush from my cheeks. 

Kanaya approached me after both of the others had left and smiled. I may not have told you this, but her smile is very fetching. It should be produced as often as possible, and with as much enthusiasm as possible.

"Your sleepover was fun," she told me. "My mom's party won't be half as interesting."

"Nonsense. Your mother apparently knows exactly how to throw a party." I pointed to the gold trim on the invitation. "This is artwork, Kanaya."

"It's silly and overcompensating," she said hotly, looking at her shoes. "I wish she wouldn't."

"Exactly how I feel around my mother. Fortunately for your, yours is actually a woman of class."

"Mine is a woman of entirely too much pomp and airs," she complained. "Yours is fun to talk to."

"The only solution is to spend as much time around each others' mothers as possible."

"Reasonable."

"And, by extent, each other."

"Really?"

"Obviously."

"Seems logical," she said, and it was a victory, although she was still blushing. "Seems very logical."

"Thank you."

"Do you want to come in?" I opened the door wider. "My mother isn't here, but I trust there's something to do anyway."

"That would be nice." She called for her sister and informed her of the plan; Porrim smirked and made what I think might have been a lewd gesture. I wouldn't know. I was deliberately not looking.

So Kanaya came in, and after a bit of bumming around the house, we settled on making cookies together. Kanaya is much better at baking than I am. Although I have attempted it in the past, there's something about food preparation that simply doesn't work for me. The debacle ended up with me sitting on the counter and watching her use my kitchen to its fullest extent.  

I will tell you what I saw, and try not to be biased in my observations. She was wearing a lime green sundress with a pink ribbon tied at the waist, and a black choker around her neck; at one point, she spilled a bag of flour, so there were streaks of white in her dark hair and skin. She moved purposefully around the kitchen, more intent than I had ever seen her. At one point she started making notes on my mother's recipe, and would carry the pen she used either behind her ear or between her teeth, where her tongue would on occasion dart out to trace it. These are my observations.

The cookies themselves were delicious. She hopped up on the counter beside me to enjoy them, and ate hers slowly, nibbling around the edges and licking at the melted chocolate chips in the middle. It was very cute.

"Do you bake often?" I was curious.

"No, but my mother does. She used to work in an assisted living facility, and apparently she liked bringing treats for her charges. They always enjoyed them."

"Another reason your mother is objectively better than mine."

"She takes care of the elderly?"

"She can bake," I corrected her. "Do you remember my mother's pizza?"

"It was well-grated cheese."

"It was pathetic."

"I think she deserves some credit. At least your mother does something important. She's a scientist."

"Yes, but -"

"But what? She's sharp as a knife, and cares very much for you and Roxy."

"Well, she could stand to show it," I said, trying to come off as cross but not immaturely so, and slid off the counter.

"She does."

"Agree to disagree," I said lightly, and then helped Kanaya down from the counter. "You'll take these home, of course."

If she noticed the subject change and its suddenness, she didn't remark on it, and it made me like her even more. "I will absolutely not."

"You did all of the work in making them, I won't stand for this -"

"With your kitchen and materials, it would be theft, really -"

"Take half," I pleaded. 

"Only to shut you up about it," she insisted, but smiled at me again, so the petty argument was worth it.

Roxy ate all of the cookies later on, which I informed her was inconsiderate and rude, but she only laughed at me and told me to get Kanaya to make me some more. The sheer nerve of my sister, honestly. Sometimes I marvel at the disrespect I am paid on a regular basis.

As always, the inquiry box is open. Feel free to solicit advice on any and all supernatural feats that you have witnessed or seek to witness. 

Have a good evening, Readers.

-tentacleTherapist


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick warning: this chapter contains a casual (although non-explicit) description of depression, and explicit descriptions of past alcoholism. If that's not for you, read the chat between Kanaya and Rose with particular care; there are clear indications of what's to come when they start talking about it, and it more or less ends when Rose begins her blog entry.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering  gothicAstrator [GA] at 12:32 P.M. 

GA: So  
GA:   
GA:   
GA: Roxy Huh  
GA: Yo+u can shut the hell up  
GA:   
GA:   
GA:   
GA: Yo+u read the po+st didn't yo+u  
GA: I Am An Innocent Bystander In All Of This  
GA: Go+d damn it  
GA: Well  
GA: Well, what?  
GA: Was It Good  
GA: . . .  
GA: yes

gothicAstrator [GA] blocked  grimAuxiliatrix [GA]  
GA: Thats What I Thought

* * *

GA: Karkat  
CG: I KNOW, I READ THE POST.  
CG: IT WAS MORE THAN I EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR SISTER, OR YOU, IN ALL HONESTY, BUT THAT'S FINE.  
CG: I'M FINE.  
CG: THIS IS FINE.  
CG:   
GA: Really  
CG: OKAY,  
CG: WOULD IT BE *NICE* IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO LUDICROUSLY EXPLICIT TALES OF YOUR SISTER'S SEXUAL CONQUESTS? YES. WOULD IT BE ABSOLUTELY LOVELY IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOUR SISTER DOES IN THE BEDROOM? YOU KNOW, IT REALLY FUCKING WOULD BE. WOULD I ENJOY LIFE A LOT MORE, AND PROBABLY BE A MUCH MORE WELL-ADJUSTED PERSON GENERALLY, IF I WEREN'T FORCED TO WITNESS THE INGRATIATING DETAIL WITH WHICH LALONDE CHOOSES TO DESCRIBE EVERY FUCKING THING ABOUT YOU? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY.  
CG: IN FACT, NOTHING WOULD MAKE ME HAPPIER THAN TO PROCURE A TIME MACHINE FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF BLEACHING MY EYES BEFORE I HAD TO BEAR WITNESS TO - WHAT IS IT, THE EIGHTH? - OCCASION OF LALONDE PAYING DISGUSTINGLY SAPPY HOMAGE TO MY BEST FRIEND'S FACE.  
CG: BUT YOU KNOW.  
CG: IT'S FINE.  
GA: Awww  
GA: I Am Your Best Friend  
CG: THAT'S WHAT YOU TOOK AWAY FROM THIS  
GA: It Seemed The Most Important Piece Of Information  
CG: . . . YES, OKAY, YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.  
CG: WHICH IS ALL THE MORE REASON I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO READ ABOUT YOUR FACE AND HOW MUCH ROSE WOULD LIKE TO KISS IT.  
GA: Where Did She Say That  
GA: Also  
GA: For The Record  
GA: You Are My Best Friend Too  
GA: I Wanted To Establish That Before We Strayed Any Further Off Topic And Forever Lost The Opportunity  
CG: THANK YOU.  
CG: GLAD TO KNOW YOU HAVE SOME BASIC FUCKING MANNERS.  
CG: ALSO: NO, ROSE DIDN'T EXPLICITLY SAY SHE WANTED TO KISS YOUR FACE, BUT IF YOU'RE REALLY SO INEPT AT SUBTEXTUAL READING THAT YOU CAN'T ACKNOWLEDGE THE BASIC TRUTH PRESENTED IN BETWEEN THE LINES OF EVERY SINGLE BLOG POST, I'M REVOKING YOUR RIGHT TO READ ANYTHING EVER AGAIN.  
CG: FOR SOMEONE WHO SPENT THREE DAYS LOCKED AWAY WRITING 12-PAGE MLA-SOURCED META ABOUT HOW THE FEMALE VAMPIRES IN "SUNRISE" ARE IN A LOVING SAPPHIC RELATIONSHIP, YOU ARE RIDICULOUSLY INEPT AT INTERPRETING ACTUAL CONTEXT CLUES.  
CG: YOU'RE ACTING LIKE ROSE HASN'T BEEN DROPPING HINTS LIKE A SHIT DJ DROPS THE BASS:  
CG: FREQUENTLY, AND WITH SUCH INEPTITUDE THAT IT'S INCREDIBLE ANYONE STILL WANTS TO BANG THEM.  
GA: Oh  
GA: So She Did Not Say Explicitly Then  
CG: IT'S AT TIMES LIKE THESE THAT I REGRET TALKING IN CAPS, BECAUSE IT ROBS ME OF THE OPPORTUNITY TO VERGE INTO CAPITALS WHEN I'M FEELING PARTICULARLY FUCKING INFURIATED.  
CG: REST ASSURED THAT IF I USED LOWERCASE TEXT, NOW WOULD BE ONE OF THE TIMES WHERE I ASSUME MY NORMAL SPEECH PATTERN.  
GA: But You Are Always Feeling Particularly Fucking Infuriated  
CG: THE GRAPH OF MY RAGE IS A FLUCTUATING SERIES OF DIVERSE SHAPES. DON'T SIMPLIFY MY EMOTIONAL RANGE.  
GA: You Are Right  
GA: I Am Sorry  
CG: THAT'S OK.  
CG: IS THERE ANY REASON YOU MESSAGED ME OTHER THAN TO TALK ABOUT YOUR CRUSH?  
GA: Cant A Girl Talk To Her Friends Without An Ulterior Motive Nowadays  
CG: SURE, SHE CAN. CAN YOU?  
GA: I Dont Even Understand What Thats Supposed To Mean  
GA: I Am A Perfectly Innocent Person Who Neither Seeks Advice Nor Attempts To Solicit Generosity From Her Bffsie  
CG: BIFFSIE?  
GA: Best Friend Forever  
GA: See  
CG: I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT BUT THE FIRST PART IS KIND OF SWEET SO I'LL ALLOW IT  
GA: Good  
GA: Interesting Question For You Now That That Is All Settled  
CG: I KNEW IT  
GA: Please  
GA: I Do Not Have Anyone Else To Ask  
GA: Porrim Blocked Me  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK? WHY?  
GA: I Asked Her About  
GA: Things  
CG: YOU DIDN'T.  
CG: YOU DID NOT ASK HER, AFTER READING A BLOG POST THAT PRETTY EXPLICITLY FORBADE YOU FROM READING IT, ABOUT HER . . . THING.  
CG: WITH ROXY.  
CG: I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT YOU, THE SELF-PROCLAIMED BASTION OF TACT AND SIMPLE CIVILITY, ACTUALLY CAME OUT AND ASKED HER ABOUT IT.  
GA: We All Make Mistakes  
GA: I Am No Different  
CG: WEL, SURE, BUT YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY PRONE TO THAT KIND OF FUCKERY.  
CG: YOUR FUCKUPS USUALLY COME FROM SAYING TOO LITTLE, NOT TOO MUCH.  
CG: SORRY IF THAT COMES OFF AS HARSH.  
GA: Although You Are Right I Will Take A Moment To Be Wounded By Your Candor Before Acknowledging Your Correctness  
CG: DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.  
CG: IT WAS ONLY A SOFT BLOCK, THOUGH, RIGHT? SHE'LL UNBLOCK YOU SOON.  
GA: I Dont Know  
GA: She Does This Sometimes  
GA: It Is Invariably Frustrating  
CG: WELL, WHATEVER. SHE CAN FUCK OFF, YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. BEING CURIOUS ISN'T A CRIME.  
CG: SHE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER THAN TO FUCK A BLOGGER'S SISTER.  
CG: I GUESS.  
CG: APPARENTLY.  
GA: Indeed  
GA: But Anyway As Regards My Question  
CG: YEAH, SURE, SHOOT.  
GA: As I Said It Is One Of A Romantic Nature  
GA: And It Has To Do With  
GA: Well  
GA: You Know Who  
CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. SHE DISCLOSED YOUR NAME ONLINE, PUBLICLY, TO THOUSANDS, AND YOU CAN'T EVEN BEAR TO MENTION HER IN A PRIVATE CHAT.  
CG: FUCKING INCREDIBLE.  
GA: Karkat Please  
GA: I Am Trying To Forge A Serious Inquiry  
CG: SURE, SURE, SORRY. GO AHEAD AND ASK.  
GA: If One Was Looking To Woo A Girl  
GA: Perhaps In The Language Of Flowers Or Clothes  
GA: Or Anything Domestic Really  
GA: And Looking To Invest In Such Overtures As Can Be Communicated Over The Course Of One Evening  
GA: How Might One Start  
CG: KANAYA  
CG: ON THE ONE HAND, I KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS TO A FUCKING T.  
CG: ON THE OTHER HAND, I AM INCREDIBLY PERPLEXED AS TO WHY IN THE NAME OF GOD YOU WOULD ASK ME, THE PERSON WITH THE LEAST DATING EXPERIENCE OF *ANYBODY* YOU KNOW, THIS QUESTION.  
GA: Youve Dated A Girl  
GA: It Was  
GA: Moderately Successful  
CG: "MODERATELY SUCCESSFUL"?  
CG: "MODERATELY" FUCKING "SUCCESSFUL"?  
CG: SHE BROKE UP WITH ME AFTER TWO MONTHS  
GA: Two Months Of What I Expect Was Loving Bliss  
CG: TEREZI DIDN'T GO FOR SHIT LIKE THAT.  
CG: THE MOST ROMANTIC THING WE EVER DID TOGETHER WAS EAT ICE CREAM FROM THE CARTON AND WATCH THE DIE HARD SERIES ON HER COUCH  
GA: The Distinction Between Theory And Praxes Is Inessential To One Who Has Experience With Neither  
GA: Please Help  
CG: OKAY. GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO COMMUNICATE?  
GA: Uh  
GA: I Think Her Face Is Cute  
GA: And I Would Not Be Averse To Kissing It Sometimes  
CG: WHOA, CALM IT WITH THE OBSCENITY MARYAM, I DON'T NEED TO HEAR THAT SHIT.  
GA: Apologies  
CG: FORGIVEN.  
CG: HERE'S WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO NEED.

* * *

TT: So here's the thing.  
TT: In Chapter 5, Calmasis clearly demonstrates an ambivalence towards the practices of Zazzerpan as a person; it is only towards the society that Zazzerpan inhabits that Calmasis bears any ill will, and furthermore, the last chess game's clear moral ambiguity seems to indicate that authorial stances on Calmasis' ethical obligations are more or less neutral.  
TT: Furthermore, the encounter is charged with a sexual tension that is . . . hard to ignore.  
TT: We are supposed to regard Zazzerpan as the protagonist, but at the same time, his shortcomings are presented factually and the narrative presents no inclination - at least on his behalf - to remedy them.  
TT: What do you think?  
GA: This Is The First Time You Have Messaged Me In Seventeen Hours  
GA: Is This How You Start All Your Conversations Rose  
GA: Shoot I Mean Ms Therapist  
TT: Answer the question, Ms. Auxiliatrix.  
TT: The sanctity of our friendship may depend on it.  
GA: Oh Man I  
GA: I Think Overall  
GA: Calmasis Probably Was Right To Be Angry As They Were But  
GA: They Did Not Have The Right To Cut Off Contact From The Learned Entirely  
GA: Nor Did They Have The Right To Hurt Frigglish As They Did  
GA: So Although They Are A Fascinating Antihero And One That I Enjoy As A Character  
GA: I Do Not Particularly Think That They And Zazzerpan Are As Similar As You Believe  
GA: Sorry  
TT: A fair judgment.  
TT: But you have to consider.  
TT: There's some pretty damn good fanart depicting otherwise.  
GA: Send Me The Link  
TT: Greedy girl.  
TT: I'll find it later.  
TT: Really, this conversation was a facade to entrap you in conversation without the appeal to small talk I might have had to engage otherwise.  
GA: Clever Of You  
TT: Did it work?  
GA: Maybe  
GA: I May Participate In Some Small Talk To Punish Your Eagerness  
GA: But Otherwise  
GA: I Think Yours Was A Successful Maneuver  
GA: Ha Ha  
GA: Im Sorry Did That Come Across As Arrogant  
TT: No more than virtually everything I say, so you needn't worry.  
TT: Although I have to say that I am impressed by the depth of your analysis on Calmasis. You must have thought about them for some time before I asked you, to have such a detailed reply so quickly.  
TT: Am I right?  
GA: Yes  
GA: Complacency Is Something Near And Dear To Me Which Has Been An Important Part Of My Life For A Long Time  
TT: Oh?  
TT: Do tell.  
GA: Its Rather Personal  
TT: Oh.  
TT: Sorry.  
GA: That Is Ok  
GA: I Am All Right With Telling You  
GA: I Merely Wanted To Let You Know In Case You Were Not Looking To Talk About Matters As Serious As Those That Complacency Involves For Me  
TT: If you're okay with telling me, I would like to hear.  
TT: If it helps, I can disclose something similarly intimate in return.  
TT: Tit for tat, so to speak.  
GA: That Should Work  
GA: Um  
GA: All Right  
GA: So It Was About Two Years Ago  
GA: Before I Moved To My Current Location So I Was With A Different Group Of People  
GA: They Were Not Necessarily Good People  
GA: I Was In An Especially Unhealthy Relationship With A Girl About My Age With Whom I Should Not Have So Readily Engaged  
GA: It Was Not Her Fault Either Seeing As I Had Expectations Of Her Which Were Unfair Given Her Specific Circumstances And My Own Delusions Regarding Her Capabilities And Reciprocated Feelings  
GA: But It Was Unhealthy Nonetheless  
GA: And Her Group Of Friends Was Also Not A Beneficial Place For Me  
GA: I Do Not Think It Would Have Been Beneficial To Anybody Come To Think Of It  
GA: So Anyway I Descended To A Very Poor State Of Mental Health Which Involved A Variety Of Unpleasant Diagnoses  
GA: And It Did Not Go Away So Much As I Managed To Beat It Back With The Help Of My Sister And A Very Good Therapist  
GA: Supplemented By Finding Things Which Genuinely Made Me Happy  
GA: Uh  
GA: As You Know  
GA: Your Blog Was One Of Them  
GA: Another Was Complacency  
GA: I Saw Myself In The Character Of Frigglish A Lot  
GA: As A Person Who Struggled With Communication Despite An Immense Body Of Knowledge And An Intense Desire To Be Helpful  
GA: Forced Into Silence By Circumstances Outside Of His Control  
GA: And Perpetually In Awe Of A Wizard Far Greater And More Intelligent Than He Will Ever Be  
GA: Zazzerpan I Mean  
GA: When Things Got Rough  
GA: Or I Suppose More Specifically When I Had An Episode  
GA: My Sister Would Sit Down And Make Me Watch The Movie Series With Her  
GA: Until I Was No Longer Preoccupied With My Own State But Rather That Of Fictional Characters Whose Problems Are Much Easier To Deal With  
GA: So Yeah  
GA: Um  
GA: Rose  
TT: Wow.  
TT: Sorry, I don't mean to make light of your experiences.  
TT: I just am feeling kind of . . . abashed?  
TT: Uncharacteristic as it is of me to admit this, I didn't expect you to be so forthcoming. I'm flattered by your honesty, and feeling somewhat embarrassed that I dragged it out of you.  
GA: Uh  
GA: With All Due Respect  
GA: You Did Not Drag Anything Out Of Me  
GA: I Am Capable Of Choosing To Disclose And Withhold My Own Secrets Thank You  
GA: Although Your Questioning Was The Provocation For My Disclosure It Was Not The Only Motivation Nor Was The Information Provided Involuntarily  
GA: The Main Motivation Was That I Find You To Be A Trustworthy And Intelligent Person With Whom I Would Like To Maintain A Closer Connection  
GA: And Closer Connections Are Fueled By Knowledge Of Each Others Pasts  
GA: The Struggles Each Other Has Faced  
GA: The Triumphs Of Which Each Is Proud  
GA: Of Course I Will Not Urge You To Share Any Of These With Me At A Pace Which Is Uncomfortable You  
GA: But To Perhaps Enlighten Me As To Your Own Struggles And Triumphs If And When You Choose  
GA: As I Just Have  
TT: Right.  
TT: It was not my intention to disenfranchise your autonomy.  
GA: Rose Pardon My Language But For Christs Sake  
GA: You Do Not Have A Gosh Darned Thing To Apologize For  
TT: Whoa, whoa. You kiss your mother with that mouth?  
GA: My Mother Was The One Who Taught Me How To Swear  
GA: ;)  
GA: Is That How You Do It  
GA: Was That The Proper Usage For The Emoticon  
TT: More or less.  
TT: I suppose it's my turn, now?  
GA: As I Said  
GA: This Should Not Be An Obligatory Thing  
GA: I Am Happy To Keep Talking About Complacency Of The Learned If You Are Not Looking To Go "Deep" Tonight  
TT: . . .  
TT: . . .  
GA: Oh For Fucks Sake  
TT: I'm screenshotting that.  
GA: This Is Immature  
TT: I'm putting it on a slide show at my wedding.  
GA: This Is Childish Humor  
TT: Dave will love this, oh my God.  
TT: I can almost imagine the consequent chatlog.  
GA: You Are Fully Aware That Your Interpretation Of That Phrase Was Not My Intention  
GA: I Was Talking About Philosophy  
TT: Ms. Auxiliatrix, if we ever have the pleasure of meeting in real life, you can rest assured that I am always down to "go deep."  
TT: ;)  
TT: And THAT'S how you use the emoticon.  
GA: Your Mind Is Filthy And I Want No Part In Your Shenanigans  
GA: Do You See This Outstretched Hand  
GA: It Is Metaphorically Pushing You And All Your Shenanigans Away From Me And My Innocence  
GA: I Invite You To Talk To Said Limb In Leu Of My Face Until You Are Prepared To Shape Up Your Thoughts  
TT: I'm done. Really.  
TT: I'm ready to talk about Serious Things.  
GA: Okay  
GA: I Am Listening Patiently  
TT: Good.  
TT: Gosh, I can't think of anything close to the degree of intimacy you've honored me with tonight.  
TT: Well.  
TT: I can, I'm just not sure that you want to hear it. It's private shit about my family. And it's pretty much one of the only things that I don't really talk about, blog-wise, because it's really *that* personal.  
GA: If You Are Uncomfortable Then Please Stop  
GA: But I Am Not  
TT: Okay.  
TT: Phew.  
TT: All right, then.  
TT: My mom  
TT:  
TT: I was about six.  
TT: Roxy was nine.  
TT: My mother was a single mom working in STEM with two kids. She was under a lot of stress damn near constantly, and she didn't generally have a lot of time for . . . creature comforts. In her position, the only convenient stress relief that she could practice with any kind of promised efficacy was alcohol. So she partook. With increasing frequency.  
TT: It was not only she who suffered as a consequence. She was never cruel to us, but drinking did result in some neglect on her behalf; a lack of sufficient attention which Roxy and I were forced to compensate for with each other. As children ought not need to do.  
TT: It took its toll on our relationship in particular. A child tends to internalize things. Sometimes I look at my relationship with her and consider what it might have been without that period in our lives. But such thinking is unproductive, and ultimately would only hurt me. What is in the past is in the past. What is now is my choice.  
TT: Ultimately, my mother acknowledged her problem, and she successfully quit. It was not an immediate thing, but the product of much work and her willingness to take a break sometimes. And admit her failures. She is . . . a remarkably strong woman. Despite her many, many shortcomings in the field of social interactions.  
TT: Nine years sober this August.  
TT: I am proud of her.  
GA: That Is A Remarkable Story  
GA: Thank You For Sharing It With Me  
GA: Your Mother Seems Like A Wonderful Woman  
GA: I Would Like To Meet Her  
GA: Someday  
TT: I'm sure she'd like to meet you, too.  
TT: She has an affinity for the intellectual, charming types.  
GA: Hush  
GA: You Are Shameless  
TT: Shameless and charming.  
GA: Granted  
TT: :)  
TT: I am going to bed. Will I talk to you tomorrow?  
GA: Most Definitely  
GA: Good Night Ms Therapist  
TT: Night.

* * *

Date: June 15, 2016. Weather: Sticky. Mood: Apathetic.

News:

I have been thinking a lot about Jaspers, and how I can pay my respects to him.

My cat, as you all know, was a source of comfort to me upon many an occasion, and I am thinking of setting up some memorial to him. The memorial would consist of some thematic artifacts that I believe he would have had some affinity for, were he alive. Jasper, obviously, because good wordplay is the height of literary merit. And the visual gag will amuse me. But perhaps a set of other stones and candles, a picture or two, maybe an artistic rendering. I have seen others do this for their cats, and most of the time, it seems to bring them great peace. 

What prompted these thoughts? Nothing in particular. My older sister has an abiding love of cats, of course. So she talks about them frequently. But today she came home with a new kitten that she immediately christened Frigglish - a funny name for a being that can't speak, for those of you who noticed the reference - and prompted an introspective mood. Frigglish is a very sweet cat. He came up and nuzzled my hand twice without even checking for food. He also climbed onto my bed without permission, so he's a little gutsy. But I like that in a cat. I need a pet with chutzpah.

Does anyone have suggestions? I believe I have found the pictures likely to be used for Jaspers' memorial, but as for stones, I am at a loss. Pretty much all of the ideas I have are either puns or just things that I appreciate, but would not necessarily be useful. (@arsenicCatnip, any thoughts?)

Aside from that, news about the Grand Ritual is thankfully low. I have procured a few more necessary supplies. (I will disclose my full recipe list after I succeed, to make sure I do not mislead anybody into an unsuccessful ritual.)

Questions Answered:

In response to @turntechGodhead's question about - and I quote - "the karmic dick of fate": A little ugly of you, don't you think, asking me something like this in my submission box? You're very lucky that inquiries were rare this week, Dave, otherwise you would have without a doubt been ignored. Don't think I'm past soft blocking you. I've done it before.

That being said: Karma is a force, according to some, which gives each person their due. It is neither innately phallic nor uteral. However, I can recommend some interesting sources who explain why a person might perceive a gender-neutral object as phallic for . . . whatever reason.

In response to @carcinoGenetecist's question: My favorite kinds of flowers are white jasmines. I'm not sure why you posed this inquiry, but I suppose it's harmless and somewhat cute.

Personal News:

Several attempts to engage Kanaya Maryam have as of yet been thwarted. She seems utterly preoccupied with preparing for the dinner party, as does her sister, to the detriment of her relationship with my own. Apparently they are very preoccupied with making our upcoming meal as enjoyable as possible. I do not blame her. She is a woman of composure, and I have no doubt that the ordeal she prepares will be one of superb quality and atmosphere.

However, she has left me without a person to speculate about, and I am somewhat at a loss. There is only so much time that a person can spend thinking about a blog.

Roxy insisted on getting me out of the house this morning and hauled me off on her playdate. (You may have noticed a trend of me, minding my business, and Roxy, dragging me on strange and unnecessary expeditions to places I really have no business going.) Fortunately, her destination was her friend Jake's house, who happens to be the brother of one of my close friends @gardenGnostic, so we had an enjoyable time anyway. We had a rousing conversation about the merits of gardening and growing one's own herbs. She generously allowed me to take some rosemary from her garden, a scent to which she knows I am quite partial. Jade is a good friend.

The other notable aspect of today was that I saw Kanaya in her garden upon returning from Jade's house, and was pleasantly surprised. I debated calling out to her, but ultimately decided against it. I was satisfied to cast her a brief but weighted glance and then continue my journey inside.

Yet Kanaya herself, apparently purged of the shyness which tainted our first encounter, assailed me instead. Leaning over the fence, she said, "Hello, Rose," in such a way that I at once was overcome by her sweetness and friendliness.

"Hi," I said, eloquently.

"Were you working outside?" She pointed to my knees, which were undoubtedly coated with dirt and various flora as a result of working in Jade's herb patch.

"Involuntarily," I assured her. "I was gathering some herbs at a friend's."

"Could I see them?"

"Sure." I crossed my lawn and presented the bag. She opened it and took a quick sniff, and then closed it, apparently discerning all necessary information from the one scent. She is quite skilled at plant identification, apparently.

"Is that rosemary?"

"Yes."

"Oh, I love that. I have some incense scented with it in my bedroom. It's such a nice, sharp scent."

"Isn't it? I have a few candles. I can loan you some, if you run out of incense."

"Would you? That would be lovely." She gestured toward her backyard. "I've been trying to start up a planter for it, along with other scented plants, but it's slow going."

"Problems with the soil?"

"Yes, how did you know?"

"My friend claims to face the same problem. I can arrange a meeting between you, if you like."

She blinked, perhaps surprised by my offer, and then nodded. "That would be nice. I've been trying to get it up and running for a while, now, but it's been impossible. The only things that grow are in transplanted soil, and I really haven't the slightest idea how to grow anything else."

"She'll be glad to talk to you. She's very friendly," I assured her, and then said, "Do you happen to have any lavender?"

"Not on me. Why?"

"Oh. I ran out, recently, that's all."

"Well," she said, brightly, "I can plant some for you, as soon as I've got the soil figured out."

"Would you? I don't want to ask too much."

"You're not asking too much at all. I like it, too."

"In that case." I sought in vain another reason to continue the conversation; finding none, I surrendered. "See you tomorrow, then."

"Yes." She appeared, at least in my biased opinion, similarly dismayed at the sudden and brute end to our dialogue. "You should come into the garden sometime."

"I'd be useless."

"Maybe, but an entertaining kind of useless," she encouraged, and then seemed to regret saying so. "I'm sorry. Was that rude?"

"It was only as rude as I choose to interpret it, and I choose to believe it was a well-intentioned jab at my self-admitted failures. Not at all."

"Excellent. Well, then." She smiled and patted my shoulder. It was intense. "I will see you soon."

"Yes," I said, more or less to her back, as by that time she was retreating into the garden and I was left standing uselessly on my porch with a handful of rosemary, watching the impeccable Kanaya Maryam sally off.

That was all that happened today, and to be honest, I am thankful for it. There is only so much excitement that a girl can weather. We must all enjoy moderation, if and when it comes to us. 

As always, the inquiry box is open. Feel free to solicit advice on any and all supernatural feats that you have witnessed or seek to witness. 

Have a good evening, Readers.

-tentacleTherapist


	7. Chapter 7

GA: Porrim  
GA: Porrim  
GA: Unblock Me This Instant I Insist Upon It

gothicAstrator [GA] unblocked  grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

GA: What's up?  
GA: Are You Still At The Store  
GA: Yeah?  
GA: What Are You Buying  
GA: Or Rather What Is Mother Buying  
GA: Uh, I do+n't kno+w. A co+uple things?   
GA: Just the meat, I think. And so+me champagne. Why?  
GA: No  
GA: No Put It Back  
GA: The beef?  
GA: Yes Porrim That Is Exactly What I Meant  
GA: No  
GA: The Champagne  
GA: Uh.  
GA: Why?  
GA: I Am Not At Liberty To Say  
GA: But Put It Back  
GA: It's no+t like yo+u have to+ drink it, yo+u kno+w.  
GA: Porrim  
GA: I Do Not Often Make This Kind Of Threat  
GA: But If You Serve That Bottle At The Dinner Party  
GA: I Will Not Speak To You Until You Graduate College  
GA: Kan, I'm no+t go+ing to+ co+llege.  
GA: Exactly  
GA: Fine, whatever, I'll tell Mo+m no+t to+ buy it.  
GA: Jesus.  
GA: Good  
GA: Thank You

* * *

GA: Moonstone  
TT: Hmm?  
GA: A Stone Which May Help One Cope With Grief Over The Death Of A Loved One  
GA: I Thought You Might Consider It For Your Cats Memorial  
TT: Oh, that's thoughtful of you.  
TT: I'll add it to the list.  
TT: I don't have any at the moment, which is a startling oversight, really. I'll get on that one right away.  
TT: Thanks for the suggestion.  
GA: I Have Some That I Could Send You  
GA: I Used It To Recover From My Own Pets Passing  
TT: Gosh, aren't we just piling on the tragedy nowadays.  
TT: What was your pet?  
GA: She Was A Moth  
TT: A moth.  
GA: A Very Pretty Moth  
GA: Yes  
TT: What was her name?  
GA: Sylvie  
GA: But That Is Not Important  
GA: I Only Wanted To Offer My Help And Condolences  
TT: Thank you. It's all right, really. I'm well and recovered from it; I was really too young to mourn him properly, that's all. So I'm doing it now. Remedial mourning, as it were.  
GA: Thats Not A Thing  
TT: Isn't it?  
GA: No  
TT: Isn't it?  
GA: You Saying That Something Is A Thing Does Not Make It A Thing  
TT: No fun at all, you.  
GA: Whatever  
GA: Anyway  
GA: How Are You  
TT: Do you want honesty or pleasantry?  
GA: Both Preferably  
GA: But Given Your Framing Of The Question I Surmise That You Find The Two To Be At Odds  
GA: Honesty  
TT: Thanks. I'm not all that good at pleasantries.  
TT: I've been a little stressed lately.  
GA: You Have  
GA:  
GA:  
GA: Why  
TT: A friend of mine is hosting a dinner party, and I'm rather tied up in knots about it.   
GA: You Are  
GA: How Do You Imagine She Feels  
TT: I imagine that she's unruffled about it, for the most part, given that she is a woman of grace and dignity. She has nothing to worry about.  
TT: I, on the other hand.  
GA: Uh  
GA:  
GA: Okay  
GA: Could You Go Into More Detail About What  
GA: Exactly  
GA: You Are Nervous About  
TT: It's nothing in particular. But the sheer quantity of things that could and in all likelihood *will* go wrong is somewhat overwhelming. I mean, think of all the opportunities that you have to say something stupid in a normal conversation, and then multiply that figure times the degree of importance most attach to formal dining assemblies, and you have a number equal to one-eighth of my anxiety surrounding this affair.  
GA: Mmmhmmm  
GA: Did You Not Have A Sleepover With This Girl The Very Week Before  
GA: Was That Encounter Not Similarly Charged With Social Importance And Opportunity For Misstep  
GA: For I Seem To Remember It Went Very Successfully  
TT: True, but that was before I really knew her. And before our families knew each other. In some cases, carnally.  
TT: Now, I must uphold a reputation that she has constructed for me in her mind which may or may not be equal to the reality that is my personality.   
GA: You Seem To Be Attaching Undue Importance To This  
GA: I Highly Doubt That You Could Lose Her Regard From One Or Two Small Mistakes Over The Course Of One Meal  
GA: I Mean From What You Have Said About Her At Least  
TT: I suppose that it's possible. But the chances are too high for me not to fret.  
TT: What if I say something insensitive about her? What if I mistakenly trod over some deep seeded family issue in a passing comment? What if her mother finds my manners to be deplorable?  
TT: What do I even wear?  
GA: Wear Something Green  
GA: There  
GA: One Less Issue  
TT: The Grim Auxiliatrix, solving my problems one by one.  
TT: I don't own much green, unfortunately.  
GA: Black Then  
GA: Black Is A Very Fetching Color  
GA: I Cannot Imagine Anybody Who Does Not Look Simply Ethereal In A Proper Black Dress  
GA: This Is Coming From A Reliable Costumier So You Are Assured Of Accuracy In This Trust Me  
TT: That's true.  
TT: I wish I could wear what you made for me.  
TT: The in-progress photos are looking beautiful.  
GA: Yes But Do Not Forget It Is Still Very Much In Progress  
GA: I Am Not Even Finished With The Bosom Much Less The Chiffon Layers  
GA: Do Not Judge Me By The Pictures Just Yet  
TT: Too late. I've irrevocably fallen in love with your unfinished project. Now all that's left is for me to pine and pine in silence.  
GA: All Right Fine Then  
GA: Nonetheless You Cannot Wear It Until I Ship It To You Which Will Not Be Soon At All Unfortunately  
GA: So Instead I Would Advocate Looking In Your Closet For Something Suitable  
GA: Do Not Sweat It Too Much Though  
GA: From What You Have Said About Her At Least  
GA: This Neighbor Of Yours Is One Of Simple Tastes  
TT: That's what I hope.  
TT: A suit, maybe?  
GA: I Find The Suggestion Suitable  
TT: You're absolutely ridiculous.  
GA: I Am A Linguistic Genius  
TT: Whatever you prefer to call it.  
GA: About This Girl Of Yours  
GA: This  
GA: Crush  
GA: If That Is An Accurate Word For It  
GA: Uh  
GA: Is That An Accurate Word For It  
TT: Why, I don't know.  
TT: Is that the word preferred to describe a person whom you find aesthetically appealing, and wish to get to know better in the most affectionate and longing of ways?  
GA: You Tell Me  
TT: Probably.  
GA: Okay  
GA: Okay Okay Okay  
GA: Do You Think That She Returns Your Feelings  
TT: I don't have the slightest idea.  
TT: It's hard to tell.  
TT: She's an enigmatic figure.  
GA: Is She  
GA: I Dont Know  
GA: She Reads Rather Transparently To Me  
TT: How so?  
GA: I Just Think  
GA: Anyone Who Comes Over To Your House And Makes Cookies And Then Teases You About It  
GA: Or Seems To Enjoy Your Company To The Extent That She Does  
GA: Might Harbor Some Kind Of Affection For You Platonic Or Otherwise  
TT: That would be an astute assumption, but it's different experiencing those things in person. And the consequences of making the wrong guess are drastic.  
GA: Are They  
GA: Are They Really  
TT: Absolutely. What if I'm wrong?  
TT: What if she doesn't like me at all?  
GA: Rose  
GA:  
GA:  
GA:  
GA:  
GA: Rose  
TT: I understand that I may seem a little dramatic, but it's something that I actually worry about. I'd prefer not to worry about it, but I do.  
TT: I've never had a relationship before. I don't know how ones goes about initiating it, much less continuing it once properly initiated.  
GA: Interesting Problem  
GA: I Do Not Think That She Sees It Nearly The Same Way That You Do  
GA: Or She Would Not If She Is A Reasonable Human Being At Least  
GA: When You Like Someone It  
GA: It Becomes Less A Matter Of Proper Execution Than Of Who Is Doing The Executing  
GA: She Will Not Care Whether Or Not Your Overtures Are Orthodox As Long As They Are Yours And Are Heartfelt  
TT: Do you have any suggestions?  
GA: Gifts Are A Nice Start  
GA: Someone Giving You Flowers Is Generally Interpreted As A Romantic Overture Of Some Sort Unless Otherwise Indicated  
TT: Maybe I'll get her something.  
TT: What if I get her the wrong thing?  
GA: Rose I Dont Mean To Be Insensitive To Your Issues But You Are Overthinking This  
GA: Anything Is Better Than Nothing  
TT: Oh my God. The party is tonight. Where am I going to get something?  
GA: This Seems To Be Really Stressing You Out You Know What I Think You Should Maybe Nix The Gift Idea  
GA: More Trouble Than Its Worth It Seems  
TT: You may be right.  
TT: Sorry to unload all of my problems here like this. I've done nothing but talk about my own life for the duration of this conversation.  
GA: I Do Not Mind  
GA: Learning About Your Life Is Fun For Me And I Enjoy It Immensely  
TT: Why?  
TT: That question came across as hostile. I apologize. But I sincerely wonder why you seem to take this much pleasure from helping me with my problems, when I do little to nothing to aid you in yours.  
GA: Your Attention Is One Of The Things That Invariably Brightens My Day  
GA: We Have Not Talked For Very Long  
GA: But I Still See You As A Close Friend And Someone With Whom I Can Trust Secrets That Have Heretofore Been Unknown To Anybody But My Family  
GA: Trust Between Strangers So To Speak  
TT: I hardly see you as a stranger. But the principle applies.  
TT: I guess you're just the kind of person with whom one can become affectionate in a very short period of time and with enduring results.  
TT: If you'll permit me to be sappy for a moment, you're one of my closest friends. Possibly one of my best ones.  
GA: Oh  
GA: Thank You  
GA: I Am A Little Overwhelmed  
TT: I did warn you about the sappiness.  
GA: Yes But I Was Not Prepared For It   
TT: Pardon my manners. I should have given you time to prepare.  
GA: Right  
GA: At Any Rate You Should Be In Fine Shape For The Dinner Party  
GA: And If Not You Can Take Some Time To Message Me Should It Become Too Straining For You  
GA: I Will Not Object  
TT: That's nice of you, and I may take you up on that offer.  
TT: Another question, though, if you don't mind, before I sign off to go panic quietly and search for a gift.  
GA: Dismayed As I Am For Your Resolve About Later Activities I Will Permit Whatever Question You Like  
TT: What's your name?  
GA: My Name  
TT: Yes.  
TT: That thing that your parents give you when you come out of the womb?  
TT: As much as I enjoy our shenanigans, calling you "Ms. Auxiliatrix" tends to feel somewhat impersonal. And it's a bit of a pain to type.  
GA: I Uh  
GA: Dont Really Go By That  
GA: Anymore  
TT: Oh. Any reason?  
GA: Well Uh  
GA: It Was Not A Girls Name  
GA: And I Am  
GA: That Is  
GA: A Girl  
TT: Aha. Point taken, and remark rescinded.  
TT: That being said, I'd still like to know what I should call you.  
GA: Oh  
GA: Haha  
GA: It Is On My Blog Isnt It  
TT: No, it's not.  
TT: I checked your About for it.  
GA: Well In That Case  
GA: Its  
TT: Yes?  
GA: Chastity  
TT:  
TT: Chastity.  
GA: Yep  
GA: That Is My Name  
TT: Somehow I think you're lying.  
GA: What Gives You That Idea  
TT: General reluctance, as well as professing to a name that nobody in their right might would admit to online.  
TT: Oh, well. If you won't tell me, you won't tell me. It’s all right.  
GA: Thank You For Understanding  
GA: I Promise I Will Let You Know Soon  
GA: There Are Merely Certain Circumstances Out Of My Control Which Make Such A Course Of Action Difficult To Entertain  
TT: I don't need you to justify it for me. I trust that when it's time, you'll tell me. You've already disclosed so much, I suppose it was a touch selfish of me to expect more.  
GA: It Really Wasnt  
TT: That being said, I really do need to go now.  
TT: I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me.  
TT: It helped more than you know.  
GA: Yes  
GA: Yes Likewise

* * *

TT: Dave, quickly.  
TT: If you had to choose between giving a girl a garnet or incense, which would you pick?  
TG: hmmm  
TG: lemme pitch this one to you ok  
TG: i take both  
TG: throw them out  
TG: and get her something interesting  
TT: Dave.  
TT: Please.  
TT: Now is no time for jests.  
TT: This is a serious matter of love, life, and happiness.  
TT: Which one?  
TG: fuck idk  
TG: the rock  
TT: Okay. I'll give that to her.  
TT: Did you know that garnets are indicative of passion?  
TT: Do you think it would be too forward to get something so direct on the first date?  
TT: I mean, it's not really a date.  
TT: More like a gathering between families in which interested parties are also congregated with the interests of pleasant conversation and maybe some heavy hand-holding.  
TG: holy shit  
TG: lalonde  
TG: you realize im screenshotting this entire conversation to throw back in your face later  
TG: this is the worst ive ever seen you  
TT: She is a woman of exquisite tastes, Dave.  
TT: You would not go before the Queen of England empty-handed.  
TG: im laughing so hard right now holy shit  
TG: rose  
TG: you need to take like nineteen steps back and consider seriously what youre doing  
TG: this is ridiculous  
TT: Easy for you to say. You've never had to attend a dinner party like this.  
TG: yeah lmao my familys dirt fuckin poor lucky me  
TT: Apologies.  
TG: i was giving you shit lalonde chill  
TG: just  
TG: deep breaths k  
TT: I am making ample usage of the "deep breath."  
TT: It is not helping.  
TT: Dave.  
TG: ok then talk about something else  
TG: whats going on with your candles or whatever  
TG: is your great plan to summon cthulu still on track  
TT: You cannot summon Cthulu, Dave.  
TT: The point of the myth is that it is a being far greater than anything in this puny mortal universe, and therefore impervious to the whims and wills of man. Even the most experienced summoner would quail before its strength.  
TG: whats that i couldnt hear you over the sound of how boring that shit is  
TT: Eldritch forces beyond the realm of our control are not "boring," and frankly, I am shocked that you could ever think so.  
TT: Have you no imagination?  
TG: whatever man  
TG: i just use it for good  
TT: Good and boring purposes, sure.  
TT: Keep talking. I'm going to start wrapping the garnet. Distract me.  
TG: k  
TG: i started a new mix today  
TT: Did you take my advice?  
TG: if by advice you mean those weird ass violin tracks and gregorian chants you seem to like  
TG: no  
TG: i didnt do anything with that shit  
TG: although all cards on the table here thats not for lack of trying  
TG: have you ever tried to drop the bass on a gregorian chant  
TG: its fucking hard rose  
TT: Let's both glance meaningfully at the potential "that's what he said" joke and recognize my grace in choosing not to voice it, and then move on with our lives, as decent, mature human beings.  
TG: i will block you  
TT: No, you won't.  
TT: Anyway, I think that with enough creativity, a gregorian chant can be just as hot as Beyoncé's latest. It all depends on the skill of the DJ.  
TT: Are you lit enough to dig it?  
TG: its funny  
TG: all those words separately mean completely innocent and harmless things  
TG: but when combined together in that particular order its like getting stabbed in the neck with a fork  
TG: bravo  
TT: Thank you.  
TT: What have you been doing, instead of taking my well-administered advice?  
TG: shit ok this is the best  
TG: have you ever thought about layering like babymetal on strings  
TG: just  
TG: have you ever even thought about it  
TT: Yes. Two seconds ago, after you suggested it.  
TG: literally shut up this isnt even about wordplay or whatever im actually exited about this track  
TG: its going to be the best  
TT: If you say so. Send it to me after you're done, will you?  
TG: you bet your ass  
TG: is your fancy rock wrapped yet  
TT: Wrapped, sealed, signed, and almost delivered.  
TT: We've still got two hours before we have to leave. This is torture.  
TT: I may die of stress.  
TG: better not  
TG: idk if kanaya wants to date a ghost  
TT: First: Thank you, Dave, for your heroic vanquishment of my fears. "Better not." Who knew that conquering your anxious tendencies could be so simple?  
TT: Second: Any girl should be half so lucky as to date a ghost.  
TT: I would.  
TG: keep your weird fetishes out of this pg13 chat goddamnit  
TT: What? I didn't say anything about having sex with a ghost.  
TT: That was entirely your own imagination.  
TG: as much as you get off on reciting freud at me you can skip it this time  
TG: im ok without it  
TT: Actually, I wasn't going with Freud, although I most certainly could.  
TT: I was going to ask how your experience with the askblog was going.  
TG: idk what youre talking about  
TT: CG. Did you message them?  
TG: yeah we talk i guess  
TG: sometimes  
TT: Fascinating recalcitrance all of a sudden from someone so normally verbose. Any particular reason?  
TG: idk its not important  
TG: anyway lets keep talking about your summerteen romance thats the real hot shit on the table here  
TT: Sure.  
TT: Although we may have to put a moratorium on that.  
TT: Roxy is messaging me.  
TG: whatever  
TG: just push me aside  
TG: dont spare a thought for your poor old cousin  
TG: withering away in this scathing fucking apartment  
TG: trying desperately to reach out for any kind of human connection  
TG: longing to be a part of the outside world  
TG: yeah no just go ahead and trample all over that social nicety and burn that fucking friendship bridge  
TG: dont mind  
TT: For Pete's sake.  
TG: heh  
TG: go ahead im done  
TT: Thank you.  


* * *

TG: rooooooooooooooose  
TG: roooooooooooooooooooooooooooooose  
TG: rooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (1/2)  
TG: ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooose (2/2)  
TT: Dear Lord.  
TT: I'm contemplating whether it's worth my time to count each of those O's and then mock you for it, or just let it slide.  
TG: ur so mean  
TG: come into my room for 1sec  
TT: Why?  
TG: gotta coordinate these outfits bruh  
TG: how m i gonna present myself to the gfs mom w/o proper color coordination  
TG: how i ask u  
TT: Oh, fine.  
TT: I'm such a softie.  


* * *

Date: June 16, 2016. Weather: Misty. Mood: Agitated.

News:

I apologize for the early post. Or, rather, I do not apologize for it, but offer an explanation: I only five minutes ago returned home from dinner at the Maryams', and I thought it prudent to jot down my thoughts as quickly as possible in order to organize them and ensure maximal accuracy.

But I will do my best not to mix personal news with my journalistic integrity, and report news on spiritual happenings with as much accuracy as possible. 

I have lost a garnet and gathered a promise of a moonstone today. Thanks to the advice of @grimAuxiliatrix, I have found the last stone to contribute to Jaspers' memorial, and I think it will be most satisfactory. The majority of the tribute will be crystals, with perhaps a few candles that I will light from time to time. I cannot burn them 24/7, unfortunately, as my mother has nixed that idea. Creative genius is invariably stifled in its time.

I made myself some tea to calm myself earlier today, and my recommendation - for anyone looking to perform a similar practice - is chamomile citron. It is soothing and most conductive to a clear mind.

Generally, these days I have had less time to focus on the occult and the supernatural, and for that I am sorry. Even preparations for the Grand Ritual have been slowed to a horrific degree by recent developments in my neighborhood. It is simply more difficult to think about dark forces when one has a new neighbor. And I am no less human than any other in this area; that is to say, I am equally fallible, equally distractible. As Lucifer Morningstar from the eastern sky, so too have I fallen from my calling, and I to thee voice my deepest apologies for this failure.

A brief announcement before I move on to questions: I would recommend anybody interested in some spectacular photography and fashion work look into @grimAuxiliatrix's blog. She has some of the finest examples of the aforementioned categories I have ever enjoyed, and is a mutual of mine. She also insisted that I not give her a promo, so to spite her, I encourage as many of you to follow her as possible.

Questions Answered:

In response to @arsenicCatnip's question about Jaspers: he was a black cat with a white splotch on his nose, and a creature of the finest possible intelligence. He was fat and somewhat lazy, but I loved him anyway. I believe I have a series of home video tapes recording his various exploits around the house; I will have to dig them up and post them sometime. Thank you for recalling pleasant memories.

In response to @caligulasAquarium's comment about their reputation: Yes, I will unblock you, on the condition that you compose a full apology, detailing all the intricate ways in which your callout was inaccurate, and post it to your current blog. I will be carefully monitoring your results.

Personal News:

Today was the day of the dinner party. Deciding what to wear was an ordeal perhaps more arduous than any within recent memory, and I had to recruit several friends to help make the decision. Roxy ended up choosing for me. However, given her taste, I do not resent this. Her selection was a black dress with a pink sash, although she lent me a pair of her heels, for I do not own any. She herself wore something more suggestive which my mother grudgingly let slide. I suspect that my mother knows of Roxy's exploits with the elder Maryam daughter, but dares not say for fear of sounding intrusive. Regardless, it has the same result.

We went over at six. Porrim met us at the door. She greeted my mother warmly, and me with a smile; to Roxy, she said something quieter, and more weighted, but I could not make it out. It seemed to please Roxy, anyway. She kissed Porrim's cheek and breezed past.

It was a 4-course meal, far better than anything my family could have prepared, but exactly within range of what I expected from the likes of the Maryams. Ms. Maryam was a gracious and generous host, quick to refill plates and put a glass of something in anyone's hand. There was not a drop of alcohol served the entire evening. This struck me as odd, but certainly not unwelcome. My mother was, for once, in good form, charming Ms. Maryam as best she could and paying regular compliments to the younger members of their family. I was minimally embarrassed by her doings. 

Porrim and Roxy more or less huddled up together at the head of the table and whispered likely indecent things to each other for the duration of the meal. Every so often I would catch one shooting loaded glances at the other. Roxy would occasionally make a salacious comment that anybody unaware of their relationship could construe as innocent and unintentional innuendo. Porrim gave in equal measure. They seemed happy together; I was sure that between one course and the next they would sneak up to Porrim's room and have their wild way with each other. Their restraint is an inspiration to us all.

I have intentionally avoided describing Kanaya thus far because I intend to go into far greater detail about her and I, and I hope that I have done a proper job of setting the scene.

She was ethereal. She was in dark red, a sleeveless gown that fanned to her ankles and moved like a bridal train when she strode purposefully to the door. A black belt with some kind of silver crest cinched her waist, and she wore two long maroon gloves, adorned with modestly bejeweled bracelets. She wore earrings which looked to be of rose quartz. Rose quartz, for those who are not experts in the field, is a stone thought to signify unconditional love. Staring is generally regarded as impolite social behavior, but in this instance, it was the only acceptable reaction.

She offered me a bouquet of flowers. I have it on my desk as we speak. The petals are soft and aromatic, wrapped in a white square of silk to keep the stems together. Six sprigs of acacia flowers formed the outer ring of the bouquet, while a nest of white jasmine composed the majority - lush, flowering white jasmine, as brilliant and plump as if picked yesterday; and from the center sprouted a lone purple rose.

I am not sure if Kanaya knows the meaning of what she has given me, or if I am reading too much into what she has offered me; certainly flowers have been exchanged between friends before. But as it may interest some of my followers: Yellow acacias signify secret love. White jasmines are often taken to mean beauty and sensuality. Purple roses are the flowers of love at first sight.

She then smiled and said, "Flowers for a Rose," and I had to take a minute.

"That is a terrible pun," I told her, weakly, attempting to resuscitate my own heart without revealing that anything was wrong.

"Oh. I thought it was clever, anyway." She noticed the box I clenched tightly in my hand. "What's that?"

"For you," I said, thrusting it at her. "A gift."

"You shouldn't have," she said, sounding only mildly surprised, and then unwrapped it with careful, delicate fingers. "Oh!"

She pulled out the rounded stone in the middle and turned it over. It matched her dress, I noticed numbly.

"This is beautiful. Garnet?"

"Correct."

"A favorite of mine." She smiled and tucked it back onto the box carefully, set it to the side. "We shouldn't linger in the doorway. Come in." 

"We shouldn't," I agreed, and followed her inside.

Her house is decorated quite tastefully. I would not dream of taking so much time out of the narrative as to describe its blueprint in entirety, but I will note that the walls were decorated with abstract art, and floral arrangements were frequent in every room. The dining room especially was fine, with crown moldings an a long twelve-seater table with a white cloth drawn over it, and two candles burning on the table. They smelled faintly of sage and allspice.

Kanaya sat by me at dinner. Periodically she would send me pleased little looks, as if my mere presence was enough to satisfy her completely, and I did my best to return them. At one point, when Porrim and Roxy were doing some particularly obnoxious canoodling, she leaned over and whispered to me,

"They are not so subtle as they think they are."

"They really aren't. The only reason my mother hasn't noticed is because her obtusity is rivaled only by her determination not to understand."

"Really?" She giggled. "My mother's noticed, I think, but she doesn't mind it. Porrim's had girlfriends over for dinner for years. It's never any different."

"Have you?"

I immediately regretted it, but attempted to appear nonchalant and only mildly curious.

"Never over for dinner," she said at length, and then, touching my hand briefly, returned her attention to her plate.

Dessert was the most notable course. Ms. Maryam had baked a three tier cake and Porrim and Roxy fed each other slices, giggling incorrigibly the whole time. My mother and Ms. Maryam attempted to have serious conversation over the table while their respective daughters ruined the entire atmosphere. I was at once proud of my sister and horrifically embarrassed of her. It is a feeling I know too well.

After dinner, we lingered, as dinner guests often do. The adults retired to sit before the fireplace and continue their conversation while Porrim virtually hauled my sister - a willing participant in the journey - up to her room. Kanaya and I watched them and attempted to beat back the awkward silence that threatened to descend at their secretive whispering.

She turned to me after they were gone and, nodding to the staircase, suggested, "Do you want to follow them?"

"I. What?"

"Do you want to - do you want to go to my room," she clarified, red rising in her cheeks. "Not - not what they - oh my God -"

"That wasn't what I was thinking!"

"No, me neither, but only -"

"Let's go to your room," I begged. "Please."

"Good idea." She went upstairs first, and I think we were both glad that we could not see each other's faces.

Kanaya's room smelled very much of Kanaya. I know this is probably obvious to anyone who thinks about it for five seconds, but it was the first thing that became apparent to me. Following things that became apparent were the 1) the walls are a lovely shade of green, 2) you can, in fact, see my room from hers, and 3) she can see about the same amount of my room that I can of hers, which is to say, I will never be closing my curtains again.

The sun was setting. Light crawled into the room at a horizontal angle, falling starkly against her silhouette as she moved to the window and grasped the drapes. I could see the stern curve of her nose and the gentle bend of her lips painted in black against the sun. The dip and swell of her waist was particularly prominent, although I did not look at it to any inappropriate extent. One strand of hair had uncoiled from its place among the others and was stuck to her neck with sweat.

She looked at me and I had the sudden, alarming revelation that I was expected to speak.

"You look pretty," I said. Retrospectively, I stand by it. In the moment, I was shitting myself.

"Oh. Thank you." She was as surprised at me at my outburst. "You do, too."

"Thanks."

I sat down on her bed and stared out the window. I was tempted to see if she was looking at me. I think she was. I didn't check.

"Rose," she began, sitting on the bed beside me.

"Yes, Kanaya?"

"Well." She fidgeted with her gloves, eventually removing them. Her fingernails were painted red, too. Short.

I waited.

She looked me in the eye and took a deep breath. "Do you want to -"

"Yes."

"Uh."

"Sorry. Please finish." I could not breathe.

"Right. As I was saying. I think you are -"

She seemed incapable of finishing the sentence; it lodged itself in her throat, and escaped as a quiet, choked noise.

"You think I am?"

"Nice," she said, firmly. "Nice and very intelligent."

"Likewise."

"Yes, but - I am talking about you, so please forestall compliments until after I am finished."

"Okay. Sorry."

"It is all right. Anyway. I think you are almost the most enjoyable company I have ever had, outside of my sister, and that is an entirely different kind of enjoyment, anyway, so you are - you are superlative in your own category, and I hope that is clear before you interpret my suggestion; I meant to say, that is, I was wondering if you - would be interested in joining me in a engagement in town later this week?"

"An engagement?"

"It would be one in the park. In contacting Jade she has suggested to me a few . . . pleasant spots, and I should like you to see them. With me."

"I think I understand what you are suggesting. But I am not sure. Do you mean as in -"

"Probably."

"So. Well. In that case, is it an official -"

"I don't know if that's exactly -"

"Oh. I may have -"

"But your first impression - I don't want you to misconstrue -"

"Let me get this straight," I insisted, silencing her. "Are you asking me on a formal outing for the purposes of courtship?"

She was quiet for a moment.

"Yes," she said.

"Good," I replied. "Yes. My answer, that is. Yes. I would like to do that with you. Date. Go on a date, rather. Dating being a different verb entirely. But the first step, of course. I don't mean to overstep. Overambition being the enemy of productivity and whatnot, that is -"

"Rose."

I looked at her and she was very close. She smiled, toothy and broad, and then, slowly, pressed a kiss to the corner of my mouth. 

Her lips were very soft.

My mother called my name and I craved death.

"I have to -"

"Yes. I understand."

"I mean. She would probably understand -"

"Don't give her a reason to think anything unseemly. You go ahead."

"But the date," I said. "We're doing that. Yes."

"Obviously." She tilted her head fondly. I stumbled over my own feet trying to leave the room and hit my shoulder on the doorframe. I blame Roxy's heels.

Roxy was waiting outside the house, to my surprise. Her neckline was askew and her hair was mussed, but her face was unreadable. She waited for me and my mother on the porch, and then walked ahead of us all the way back home, running up to her room immediately when my mother unlocked the door. I hope to tease her own report of tonight's events out of her eventually, but not at the moment.

As for me, I sit at my desk, gazing through my window at Kanaya's. The moon has risen; it is the dead of night, but I have trouble sleeping. I can think of little but the promise exchanged earlier tonight. Sometimes I will catch myself smiling and it will take a notable effort to desist. Her shades are drawn, so I cannot see anything in her room, but that does not matter. My imagination has been well-supplied, and it will compensate.

Have a good evening, Readers.

-tentacleTherapist


	8. Chapter 8

CG: HI.  
CG: YOU DON'T KNOW ME, BECAUSE WE DON'T FOLLOW EACH OTHER, AND MORE OR LESS HAVE BEEN SATISFIED STAYING ON COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SIDES OF THIS GODFORSAKEN BLOGSCAPE.  
CG: BUT I KNOW YOU THROUGH A MUTUAL FRIEND. KANAYA?  
CG: I KNOW HER.  
CG: AND I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING. REALLY QUICKLY.  
CG: GIVEN THAT YOU'VE PUBLISHED HER FULL NAME ONLINE, I THINK IT'S THE LEAST YOU COULD DO TO HUMOR THE CONCERNS OF ONE OF HER FRIENDS.  
TT: I appreciate you sending me a message.  
TT: However, a lot of people pretend to be people they're not on the Internet. This may shock you. I would like some kind of verification that you know her.  
CG: URGH FUCK  
CG: FINE  
CG: DO YOU WANT LIKE A PHOTO OR SOME SHIT  
TT: That would do nicely.  
TT: Alternatively, just tell me something about her that only a friend would know. I hope you understand my caution.  
CG: YEAH  
CG: I MEAN IT'S A PAIN IN THE ASS BUT FRANKLY I'D BE MORE CONCERNED IF YOU DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS SHIT SO OK  
CG: FUCK WHAT *HAVEN’T* YOU TALKED ABOUT ON YOUR FUCKING BLOG ALREADY  
TT: Hmm.  
TT: Answer me this: Almost always, Kanaya wears a silver necklace on a chain with a certain pendant on it. This pendant is one of the twelve signs of the zodiac, and also happens to be her sign. What is it?  
CG: OH, THAT'S ALL?  
CG: VIRGO.  
TT: Good. That's correct.  
TT: There's a possibility that you guessed, but the likelihood is low enough that I'll humor you. So shoot.  
TT: What is it?  
CG: OK HERE'S THE THING  
CG: WHAT *EXACTLY* DO YOU LIKE ABOUT KANAYA?  
TT:  
TT: Have you been missing the blog posts, or . . . ?  
CG: NO OF FUCKING COURSE I'VE BEEN READING THE POSTS I'M NOT STUPID. I DID MY RESEARCH.  
CG: BUT YOU'RE ALWAYS GOING ON ABOUT HER LOOKS AND SHIT. WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY LIKE ABOUT HER?  
CG: WHAT, SPECIFICALLY, ARE YOU DRAWN TO?  
TT: Look, Mr. Genetecist.  
CG: KARKAT  
TT: What?  
CG: MY NAME IS KARKAT. DON'T DO THE WEIRD MR./MS./MX.-URL THING, THAT'S WEIRD.  
TT: All right. Karkat.  
TT: I hope you understand that I don't actually record *every* conversation I have with her on my blog. We talked about things during the sleepover, for example, that I did not put on the post because of sheer time constraints.  
CG: OK, I CONCEDE THAT MUCH.  
CG: BUT I JUST DON'T SEE WHERE ALL OF IT CAME FROM. YOU PRETTY MUCH JUST GOT ONE LOOK AT HER AND DECIDED TO FALL IN LOVE.  
TT: That isn't what happened at all.  
TT: I don't know who you are, or what you think you know about me, but it's almost amusingly wrong in every conceivable way.  
CG: JUST QUIT THE SNARKY SHIT AND LISTEN, OK? KANAYA IS A VERY SWEET PERSON WHO LOVES VERY MUCH AND IS VERY FUCKING STUPID WHEN IT COMES TO TRUSTING THE RIGHT PEOPLE. AND I DON'T KNOW YOU ALL THAT WELL, SO I'M SORRY IF I DON'T GIVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.  
TT: What do you mean, "the right people"?  
TT: Given that you don't know me, you'll understand if I'm a little offended at these baseless observations you're throwing at me.  
CG: ITS NOT FUCKING BASELESS IF YOU  
CG: GOD FUCK  
CG: JUST  
CG: REMEMBER THAT I'M READING YOUR FUCKING POSTS, OK?  
CG: AND IF I HEAR FROM HER THAT YOU DID SOMETHING SHITTY, OR BROKE UP WITH HER BECAUSE OF DUMBASS REASONS, I WILL PERSONALLY COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND FUCKING ANNIHILATE YOU.  
CG: I WILL MAKE YOU PRAY FOR THE FUCKING DARK BEINGS OF YOUR OCCULTIST WET DREAMS TO COME AND DEVOUR YOUR SOUL SO THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE A CHANCE AT RELIEF FROM THE UNENDING PANTSHITTINGLY TERRIFYING AGONY WHICH I WILL INFLICT UPON YOU.  
TT: Oh.  
CG: "OH?"  
CG: FUCKING "OH"??  
TT: No, sorry. I just realized what this is.  
TT: This is the "break her heart and I'll break your neck" talk, right?  
TT: Tell me how her Daddy taught her to throw a mean right hook if I try anything funny?  
TT: Where you act all gruff and have no intention of fulfilling the threat?  
CG: I  
CG: FHKL;ASDF  
CG: GAHI;AROWPRRG  
CG: GIORHAIO;HAOIH;IFH;KLMDSKLD;AKJFGKSHJGA  
CG: A  
CG:  
CG:   
TT: Are you speaking in tongues, or am I meant to decipher that suspiciously keyboard-slam-esque string of text?  
TT: Pray tell.  
CG: IF YOU EVER  
CG: AND I MEAN  
CG:  
CG: *EVER*  
CG:  
CG: AGAIN REFER TO ME, EXPLICITLY, IMPLICITLY, RHETORICALLY, METAPHORICALLY, COMPARATIVELY, RELATIVELY, INDIRECTLY, TO MY FACE, OR BEHIND MY BACK  
CG: AS HER ""DADDY""  
CG: I WILL DELETE YOUR FUCKING BLOG, KANAYA BE DAMNED, AND BURN DOWN YOUR HOUSE.  
TT: Hmmm.  
TT: A promising threat.  
TT: But consider:  
carcinoGenetecist [CG]  blocked tentacleTherapist [TT]   
CG: NO.

* * *

TG: hey uh  
TG: rose  
TT: Yes.  
TT: Why?  
TT: Is something wrong?  
TG: well  
TG: i mean  
TG: idk  
TT: Roxy.  
TT: Is something wrong?  
TT: Tell me.  
TG: oh chill its not like that  
TG: im not gonna die or anythin  
TT: All right. That still leaves ample room for me to worry, but. Okay.  
TT: What's up?  
TG: its uh  
TG: the thing about last night  
TG: is  
TG: aaarrghh this is fuckin hard man whys it gotta b so hard  
TT: I don't know. Why is it?   
TG: rhetorical q rosie  
TG: its more like  
TG: idk whats wrong with me  
TG: im wrecked about somethin i shouldnt be and  
TG: its fuckin me up more than it should  
TT: Is it something to do with your friends?  
TT: Did one of them say something to you?  
TG: mmmno  
TG: theyre all fine probably  
TG: havent checekd in with them in a while  
TG: checked fyck  
TG: fuck  
TT: As entertaining as it is to try and wrench the truth out of you, I think we would both be happier if you merely came out and said whatever it is that you find so difficult to deal with. Just type it out, and then send the message.  
TG: ok  
TG: uh  
TG: porrim broke up w me  
TT: What?  
TG: just fckin read the line of text again it isnt hard  
TT: Sorry, I was unclear.  
TT: I sent the above message not because I believed myself to have misread your statement, but because I think that what you said requires some context for me to grasp completely.  
TT: To rephrase: Why, and in what context?  
TG: idfk i guess i phrased it wrong kinda  
TG: it wasnt like a breakup bc we were never really dating in the first place  
TG: idk idk idk  
TG: it was more like i thought we were somethin we werent and she thought we werent somethin we were and we just blew past each other like fuckin trains in the night tryign to figure that shit out  
TT: What did you think you were?  
TG: i dont fucking KNOW  
TG: dating or something jesus  
TG: i dont *do* a 1ns roro i just dont that shits not me  
TG: i figured when we did  
TG: idk  
TG: something  
TG: it would mean shit to her like it did for me  
TG: she was hella smart and funny and shit and it just seemed too good to b true yknow  
TG: and i guess it was  
TG: lmao  
TT: I somehow doubt that you're actually laughing your ass off at this particular juncture.  
TT: What did she say, exactly?  
TG: she didnt say anything  
TG: i asked her if she wanted to go out and she said no  
TG: and i was like hey wtf i thought u liked me back and shit bc shes kind of the only one that ever has  
TG: and she was like yeah nah  
TG: not like that  
TG: i didnt know you could even  
TG: fuck  
TG: SEPARATE shit like that idk idk  
TG: can you even be attracted to someone if you dont want to get to know them a little better idfk  
TT: Hm.  
TT: What did you want from Porrim, exactly?  
TT: In terms of a relationship.  
TG: i dont know  
TG: anything i guess  
TG: anything more than this idk  
TT: Do you think if you explained that to her, she would be amenable?  
TG: no?? she was kind of clear that she only wanted a certain thing w me and that was about exactly all??  
TT: Did she?  
TG: uh  
TG: well  
TG: no  
TG: not in as many words  
TG: but she was pretty straightforward about it when i asked her what our thing meant to her and she was all like "i like doing things with you"  
TT: Well, "doing things" could be taken to mean dating, too. Perhaps that's what she meant.  
TG: babe she didnt say doing things she said something im not repeating in front of my bb sister  
TT: I'm going to ignore the patronizing undertones to that statement and forge on this path of emotional recovery anyway. Did she say, ever, explicitly, that she did not want to date you or have any similar mutually exclusive romantic engagement?  
TT: Just because she's interested in sex doesn't mean that she wants nothing more. Maybe she's just putting the sexual cart in front of the traditional horse.  
TG: bruh what  
TT: Sex, then dating. Unconventional romance.  
TT: Modern romance, one might even say.  
TT: I imagine it's much better to do it that way than to find out on your wedding night that your chosen partner is colossally unsatisfying in bed.  
TG: maybe?  
TG: doubt it tho  
TG: i mean i kind of beat it before we could talk about it much but idk if there was really anything else to say  
TG: we have different priorities and those kinds of things are what make a relationship fly u kno  
TT:  
TT: Okay.  
TT: I don't know what I can do here. I'm not an expert in the field concerned. I could redirect you to some of my friends who are, if that helps?  
TG: no  
TG: this isnt  
TG: no  
TG: this isnt like a fucking blog post ok u cant just @ someone and make shit better this  
TG: you cant do that  
TT: All right. Sorry. It was only a suggestion.  
TG: i know fuck i know  
TG: oh holy shit  
TG: you cant write a post about this one ok  
TT: I understand your resistance to the idea, but I can put a disclaimer to make sure that nobody reads it. I can take all necessary precaution to ensure secrecy on your behalf.  
TG: i said fucking no  
TG: accept it  
TT: Okay.  
TG: look  
TG: uurgh  
TG: jesus  
TG: okay this is how things are right  
TG: this shit is fucking mine to deal with  
TG: i brought it on myself and its my fucking deal and i dont want anybody knowing about it that i dont personally decide to tell  
TG: much fucking less anybody associated with porrim fucking maryam  
TG: who im pretty sure saw your other post by the way like a readmore does exactly jack shit for anyone whos actually interested  
TG: so yeah is it ok for me to ask you the one small fucking favor of not broadcasting my private life online  
TT: Okay. I won't.  
TT: Sorry if it seemed inconsiderate to ask.  
TG: see you fucking do this shit all the time  
TG: you dont actually apologize for doing anything  
TG: you apologize for the other person interpreting what you did as wrong  
TG: like its their fault or some shit and its shitty and idk why you do it or anything would it kill you to actually acknowledge that you didnt think for once  
TT:  
TT: It appears that you're lashing out at people with whom you have no legitimate quarrel but are convenient to lash out at, in leu of the real source of your wrath, who is not present.  
TT: This is a common tactic in those who have suffered emotional distress. Most frequently the ire is directed at those in positions of less social power or perceived inferiority to the subject, for ease of access.  
TT: To a less educated person, what you just said would seem cruel and unnecessary, but luckily, I have been reading up on interpersonal dynamics and am well-equipped to deal with this kind of thing.  
TG: its not cruel if its fucking true  
TT: Then you have no qualm with Porrim, I assume.  
TG:  
TG:  
TG: fuck ok im fucking sorry  
TG: ur just  
TG: i guess yeah what u said but also  
TG: yeah ok i might be right but that doesnt mean i had to say it like that or whatever  
TG: just  
TG: fuck man  
TT: I forgave you before you apologized, Roxy. Don't worry about it.  
TG: uh  
TG: thanks i guess?  
TT: You're welcome.  
TT: Do you want me to threaten Porrim?  
TG: what the fuck  
TG: could you  
TT: I don't know, I haven't given it serious thought. It might put a dampener on my relationship with Kanaya, but the star-crossed lovers angle is rather romantic, if you think about it.  
TT: "Two houses, both alike in dignity," and whatnot.  
TG: oh kanaya kanaya  
TG: wherefore art thou kanaya  
TT: Deny thy mother and refuse thy name;  
TT: Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love  
TT: And I'll no longer be a Lalondet.  
TG: lalondet ?  
TT: The meter is more important than narrative accuracy.  
TG: aight  
TG: why is kanaya romeo tho  
TG: why isnt she the blushing juliet  
TT: You're absolutely right. We switch back and forth.  
TT: I'm Juliet for the balcony scene, but I switch to Romeo in the last act.   
TG: hmmm  
TG: whysthat now  
TT: Because the balcony scene is romantic as hell, Roxy.  
TT: And because Kanaya is much too sensible to stab herself over me. At the very least she'd call a medic first.  
TT: And then where would our ending be?  
TG: bruh  
TG: does that mean im tybalt  
TG: kanaya up an fuckin murders my ass early on and then gets banished for it  
TT: Perhaps. You strike me as more of a Rosaline, though.  
TG: oof  
TG: dumped in the first 3 lines to make way for the main pairing u mean  
TT: Absolutely not.  
TT: Too sensible to be caught up in all this teenage drama.  
TT: And if you'll remember your Shakespeare, dear, it's Rosaline that does the dumping. She wants no part of Romeo's overdramatic nonsense.  
TG: le sigh  
TG: OKAY  
TG: i will bedgrudgingly admit you made me feel at least 2% better  
TT: A measly two? You were quoting Shakespeare not five minutes ago. It's fifteen at least.  
TG: cocky arent you  
TT: Not at all.  
TT: For example, you're smiling right now.  
TG: absolutely not fuck off  
TT: You are, aren't you?  
TT: Ha. You are, and I can't even see you. I'm right, and it's fifteen percent. Twenty, if I'm being honest.  
TG: STILL MAJORITATIVELY SHITTY BABE  
TT: Baby steps, then.  
TT: I can recite the famous monologue from "Hamlet," if it helps.  
TG: nah  
TG: know that shit already  
TG: anyway gimme a sec ill be out in a bit to take u to viola  
TT: Viola.  
TT: Roxy.  
TG: cant here u im too busy getting ready over here  
TT: Violin.  
TT: It's a violin.  
TG: man its so wild i literally cant hear u at all over the sound of how hella getting ready i am  
TG: wow  
TT: To think of all the patience I have acquired in living with you is truly incredible.  
TG: <3  
TT: You are ridiculous.  
TT: <3

* * *

GA: I First "Figured It Out" So To Speak When I Was Eight Years Old  
GA: My Sister Often Took Me To Conventions For Her Favorite Movies And The Like  
GA: And I Would Often See Amab People Wearing Dresses And Celebrating Their Non-Cisness And It Was  
GA: Nice  
GA: And I Started Designing Dresses And Skirts For Myself Which I Found Aesthetically Pleasing But Also Pleasing On A Different Level In That Some People Would Offhandedly Refer To Me As "She" When I Did It  
GA: Which Raises Another Question Entirely As To Their Judgment And The Way Clothing Is Perceived But I Did Not Mind It  
GA: And I Realized That It Was Right  
GA: Not Instantly But After A Few Months  
GA: And So I Simply Began Informing People Of The Correct Way To Address Me  
GA: And After A While Most Of The People In My Immediate Social Circle Did Not Think To Address Me Any Other Way  
GA: I Was Very Vigilant In Reminding Them  
GA: And My Sister Was Even More Vigilant  
TT: Did you realize you were gay later on, or previously?  
GA: I Do Not Conceptualize It That Way So Much Actually  
GA: It Was Not So Much A Realization As It Was Me Realizing That My Sexuality Deserved A Different Label  
GA: I Always Liked Girls  
GA: Probably Because That Was A Thing That Amab Children Are Encouraged To Do  
GA: But I Never Questioned That I Did  
GA: So That Is Me  
GA: When Was Your "Moment Of Truth" So To Speak  
TT: 9:00 P.M., December 4th, 2011.  
GA: Oh  
GA: Wow You Have It Narrowed Down To A Specific Time And Everything  
TT: Yes. I was sure to make note of it, as I anticipated future conversations like this one, and wanted to ensure accuracy.  
TT: It was a little childish in retrospect, but I guess it's kind of neat that I have it precisely and everything. At least, in my opinion.  
GA: So Uh  
GA: What Were You Doing At Precisely 9:00 Pm December Fourth 2011  
TT: Good question, glad you asked.  
TT: I was watching "Alien" with my cousin, Dave.  
GA: Uh  
GA: Really  
TT: Context, before you think anything untoward.  
TT: Dave was born on December 3rd of 2000, and I was born on December 4th of the same year. Since the difference in birthdays is so small, we usually celebrate them together on the fourth instead of throwing two separate parties. The ritual is a movie marathon. For our eleventh birthday, we chose "Alien," and our parents didn't have the heart to deny us.  
TT: It was about half an hour through the movie that I realized my gaze was not drawn to the husky Tom Skerritt, but to the six-foot two, brunette, battle-savvy Sigourney Weaver.  
TT: It was then that I realized men and I were not to be.  
GA: Wow  
GA: That Is Very Cute Actually  
GA: Sigourney Weaver Huh  
TT: My tastes varied afterward, but she was my first love, and I will always hold a candle for her.  
GA: You Are Endearing  
TT: Did you ever have a childhood celebrity crush?  
GA: No  
TT:   
GA: Never  
TT:   
GA: Absolutely Not  
TT:   
GA: Wilhelmina Harker And Damn You And Your Interrogative Silences  
TT: Mina Harker? Really?  
GA: I Dont Criticize You For Your Buff Science Fiction Warrior Let Me Enjoy My Fantasy Vampiress In Peace  
TT: No, I didn't mean to criticize. I just haven't read it in a while, and I'm trying to recall my thoughts on the character.  
TT: Enlighten me?  
GA: She Is A Wonderful And Intelligent Woman Responsible For Tracking Down The Murderer Of Her Dead Lover  
GA: I Mean They Say That Lucy Was A Schoolmate But One Does Not Go On A Mysterious Sojourn To A Schoolfriends House During Summer And Then Return To Enter A Clumsily Established Heterosexual Romance And Subsequently Spend The Rest Of The Novel Tracking Down Your Dead Schoolmates Killer With A Focus Bordering On Mania  
TT: There's a read I can get behind.  
TT: Also a compelling tragedy, if you think about it.   
GA: Isnt It  
GA: Isnt It Though  
TT: I'll have to reread "Dracula" sometime. Especially after enjoying "Sunrise," I might as well pay the original a visit.  
GA: Yes That Would Be Excellent  
GA: Anything Else Going On In Your Life Lately Besides General Obsession Over Your Usual Favorites  
TT: Well. Some things, but I'm not sure if I should tell you.  
GA: Tell Me  
TT: I would if it were my secret, but it's not. It's something to do with my sister.  
GA: Oh  
GA: What Is Wrong  
TT: Her girlfriend broke up with her.  
TT: Or I suppose it turned out that her girlfriend wasn't actually her girlfriend at all. If that makes sense.  
TT: I really shouldn't be telling you this, so you must promise not to tell anyone about this, but I could use someone to talk it over with.  
GA: Pinky Swear  
TT: Good.  
TT: Apparently Roxy thought Porrim wanted something more with her, and she thinks Porrim doesn't, now, and she's up in arms about the whole thing.  
GA: Uh  
GA: What Now  
TT: That's what I thought! I really do believe she's embellishing this tale, but I don't know. It would be insensitive to ask, so I don't.  
GA: I Can  
GA: Uh  
GA: I Dont Know What I Can Do About That But I Think It Is Entirely Plausible That You And She Might Talk To The Person In Question  
GA: This Porrim Person  
GA: And Try And Sort Out What She Really Said And What She Meant Because From The Way You Described Things That Was Not The Way It Went At All  
TT: Sure, that may be true. In fact, it probably is. But you try telling Roxy that.  
GA: Would You Like Me To  
TT: Hmm. No, I don't think so.  
TT: No offense meant, but Roxy might not react well to a stranger on the internet recommending solutions to her problems, especially when I promised her I wouldn't tell anybody.  
TT: Well. I didn't promise her, but I expect she takes my word to mean the same thing, and anyway, the only reason I told you is because you're close enough to me that any reasonable person would expect me to tell you.  
GA: Thats Nice Of You  
GA: Is There Anything I Can Do Though  
TT: Probably not.  
TT: It's a pain to see her like this. She's wrung up in knots, and I don't think it's healthy for her to fixate. I mean, she hasn't even told her friends, and she tells them everything.  
TT: Or, at least, I think she tells them everything. I don't fact-check with them, or anything.  
GA: I Uh  
GA: I May Know Porrims Url  
GA: Do You Think I Could Check With Her About It If I Was Careful Not To Raise Any Flags  
TT: Do you know her very well?  
GA: Fairly  
GA: We Are Mutuals  
TT: In that case, put out feelers, but as subtly as you can.  
TT: Operation: Star Crossed is a go.  
GA: Operation Star Crossed  
TT: Romeo and Juliet?  
GA: Ah  
GA: Right  
GA: Shes More Of A Rosaline Isnt She  
TT: That's what I said!  
GA: Well You Were Right  
GA: I Will Stand Behind You And Defend Your Judgment Should You Need It  
TT: Thank you. I appreciate it.

* * *

Date: June 17, 2016. Weather: Dark, moonless. Mood: Sleepless.

News:

I have almost everything I need for the Grand Ritual. The only things missing are some directive rods, which some call "wands," to conduct the flow of energy to proper conduits in the circle. All else is taken care of. However, where to procure these wands remains a mystery. There may be shop downtown that I can trust with such an operation, but their business wavers between charlatanry and genuine artifacts. I am afraid to take a chance and end up with a dark spirit unleashed in my home.

Most recommend wands made from some kind of crystal, but I do not think I will use these. A simple pair of white wands ought to be fine. Two may be overdoing it, but cautiousness never goes awry when dealing with the power that I expect to. Really, it almost seems not enough - to bid the forces of darkness obey with only two manmade objects - but the wonders of the magical never cease. At any rate, I hope to procure these wands soon. I must first look into the reliability of this shop, but thereafter proceedings should be smooth.

Tarot has not been going as well for me as of late. I have been drawing almost exclusively cards from the suit of swords, which is the suit of strife and aggression - not something that I need in my life, given the many stressful factors which contribute to it at the moment. I am rather preoccupied. I do not need any more on my plate as it is. Therefore, I have ceased doing readings until a less stressful time, so I may get clearer and more positive results.

Jaspers' memorial is complete, and I have attached a picture at the bottom of the post. He looks very nice in the picture. Roxy helped me choose it, and contributed one of his collars which she had hoarded for a while without my knowledge. She was going to repurpose it for Frigglish, but upon hearing of my project, thought it would be better served as a donation to the memorial. I appreciate her contribution. It pulls the whole piece together.

@grimAuxiliatrix never ceases to complain of her newfound notoriety. I am proud to hear that many of you have been flooding her ask with unsolicited positivity and for that I am grateful. I appreciate all of your dedication to the noble purpose of annoying my friend, and give you my express permission to continue. She gets invariably flustered whenever someone sends a nice message and will rant to me about it, which is highly enjoyable.

Questions Answered:

In response to @golgothasTerror's question about hauntings: Your situation seems to be unusual, but not unprecedented. My advice is to carry a pocketful of salt with you while at home and invest in a good pair of warding statues. If the hauntings persist after that, feel free to contact me privately for my personal help - I should like to note that this is not a standing offer to anyone, but Golgothas happens to be a friend of a friend - or hire a professional exorcist. I can recommend some names.

In response to @arsenicCatnip's question about Frigglish: He is a white cat with a black splotch on his nose, and in his mannerisms resembles Jaspers to an extent, but is somewhat shyer and tends to be more bashful in asking for things. He is more my sister's cat than mine, but you can send her a question about him, if you want. She would be happy to talk it over with you.

Personal News:

Today was a long day.

I will not talk about it too much. The day, at least. My sister is going through a personal crisis which I will not disclose here, but I will say this: she needs emotional support, which I am happy to provide, but it takes something out of you. Her energies are not positive at the moment. And as positive as they usually are, the difference is notable.

So for most of the day today I was in her room, watching movies or fetching her food from the kitchen. The only time we left the house was for my violin lesson, and even then, she hardly composed herself. However, in retrospect, I wish we had stayed inside.

I do not think it betrays her directive of secrecy to indicate that the tensions in question are somewhat caused by Porrim Maryam (the nature of the tension I will not say). So it was misfortunate that upon returning from violin lessons, we found the Maryam sisters in their garden on the front lawn, clear as day.

Given our family's relationship, it was impossible to neglect a greeting without seeming impolite. But Roxy was clearly against the idea. She tried to tug me inside, deliberately not looking at Porrim, but then Porrim called, "Hello, Rose," and I knew something had to be done.

I smiled as best I could at the Maryams and greeted them in return. Kanaya opened her mouth to say something, but then Roxy grabbed my arm and dragged me inside and locked the door behind us, and that was that.

I was cross with her for that. I know she couldn't help her reaction. But there was no reason for her personal relationship drama to affect my own. It's not like Kanaya was doing anything wrong, waving hello to her girlfriend. Girlfriend? I suppose that term is a little presumptuous. We only have one date arranged, after all. And we haven't even gone on it yet. But it seems right. "Friend" is insufficient, anyway, given that we both clearly harbor stronger feelings for each other than that. So "girlfriend" it will be, until she tells me otherwise.

Later in the day Roxy sat me down and had a long feelings jam about her romantic history. You may not have been following this blog as far back as the subjects she discussed are; for the uninitiated, her friend group went through a significant amount of dating drama two or three years ago that almost shattered their friendship irrevocably. Eventually, they managed to separate their platonic interests from their romantic ones, and became good friends again, but one does not go through something like that and retain the same level of openness to love. Roxy cannot be blamed for her averse reaction in this case. I think that Porrim was the first person she ever - I have said too much, and I think I will stop now. 

But here is what I can talk about, and will:

When I went back to my room, it was almost eleven o'clock at night. Moonlight streamed in through my window, and the curtains waved in the draft from the air vent. My entire space was suspended in the kind of midnight aura which pervades truck stops and gas stations in the desert. Nothing seemed real, and yet by the word of my senses, it all invariably was.

Let me describe for you the schematic of my window. It is located just above the desk, and has a very fat sill. The pane itself unhinges and swings out when pushed, and lacks a screen. The roof outside my window is relatively flat, with a nigh-flat downward slant towards the ground, and a three-meter gap between my house and the Maryams', whose roof is similarly situated.

And in this unreal hour I had lain down to sleep, thinking of nothing but my sister's grief, when I heard a firm tap on my window.

I  thought it was a pine cone, or some kind of night bird trying to get into my room. I paid it no mind. But then it came again: three sharp taps. Unmistakably intentional. My heart spiked, and I thought of the baseball bat in Roxy's room. I wondered if the intruder, failing to garner my attention, would attempt to break in next.

I could not go to Roxy's room and back quickly enough to prevent their entry in such a turn of events. So instead I took from my bedside table the 400-page volume "Complacency of the Learned," and prayed that when the time came, I could swing its weight with enough force to at the very least bat the intruder out of my window.

Book in hand, I leapt forward, and scrambled up on the desk, determined to protect myself - but it was no invader there. 

It was Kanaya Maryam, propped casually on the sill as if she had nowhere better to be. She wore jeans and a high-collared green jacket, her face clean of makeup, as if she had climbed out of bed just recently. I could have cried with relief.

She wrinkled her nose and tapped thrice more, at which I remembered she was also still outside, and I scrambled to open the window.

Once open, I could think of nothing to say, and she seemed in no hurry to disturb the silence. She stared at me peacefully, admiring my face, as if she had journeyed here in the night to visit the very finest art gallery and was now looking her fill.

My brain, in leu of contacting me for approval of its intention, decided to voice the first thing that it grasped upon seeing her - which was, of course, poetry.

"Once upon a midnight dreary," I murmured, "while I pondered, weak and weary - over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore; while I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping - as of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. ’’Tis some visitor,’ I muttered, ’tapping at my chamber door— Only this and nothing more.’"

She lifted her eyebrows and a smile tugged at the corner of her lips as I vainly fumbled for the next verse. Seeing my plight, she supplied, "Ah, distinctly I remember."

"Ah, distinctly I remember - it was in the bleak December; and each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor. Eagerly I wished the morrow;—vainly I had sought to borrow - from my books surcease of sorrow — sorrow for the lost Lenore— for the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore — nameless here for evermore."

She was quiet. I was worried for myself, then, but I need not have been. I finished, "Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer. 'Ghost,' said I, 'or stranger, truly your forgiveness I implore; but the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping, and so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door - that I scarce was sure I heard you'—here I opened wide the door;— Kanaya, there, and nothing more."

She inclined her head. "The Raven?"

"I thought it appropriate."

"You skipped a verse."

"I had taken so long already."

"I would have waited."

"Oh. I'll keep that in mind, next time you show up at my window."

"I don't mean to come if unwelcome," she hedged, averting her eyes.

"You're not! Unwelcome, that is."

"I just thought we had an unfinished conversation. From last night. And we didn't get to say anything this afternoon -"

"Blame my sister for that, please, if up to me -"

"I wanted to see you," she asserted, and then looked pleased with herself for voicing it.

"Likewise." I sat cross-legged on my desk, and therefore seeing eye-to-eye with her. "I missed you."

"It's barely been a day."

"You are an impressive personage."

"Is that an appropriate use of 'personage'? I don't think it is."

"Walt Whitman broke the rules of writing all the time. All great authors do."

"Do they?"

"When language fails you," I said, "change the language."

"I will keep that in mind." She leaned against the sill. I leaned against it, too, and so our shoulders were touching. "I never did tell you the time I had planned for our date."

"Oh?"

"Are you doing anything on the nineteenth?"

"Not a thing."

"A good day for it, then."

"Quite."

Her leg kicked absently against the roof. The summer air was hot on our faces, and her jacket was soft against my skin, and I could think of nowhere more comfortable than there to be.

"Rose," she said, "were you going to try and confront a possible burglar with your copy of Complacency?"

"It's a heavy book," I insisted.

"You - I cannot believe you."

"It would have worked!"

"It would absolutely not have," she said amusedly, "but that's all right."

I huffed and folded my arms. 

We sat like that for a while. We did not make conversation; we did not need to. There was merely that sweet, companionable silence which exceeds all words. I was happy.

"I cry your mercy — pity — love," I said. "—ay, love."

"Hmm?" She turned her head and looked at me through drowsy, half-lidded eyes.

"Merciful love that tantalises not; one-thoughted, never-wandering, guileless love, unmask’d.

"And being seen, without a blot; o - let me have thee whole, —all; —all; —be mine. That shape, that fairness; that sweet minor zest of love," I hesitated; "your kiss, —those hands, those eyes divine - that warm, dark, lucent, million-pleasured breast.

"Yourself — your soul — in pity give me all. Withhold no atom’s atom or I die, or living on, perhaps, your wretched thrall - forget; in the mist of idle misery, life’s purposes — the palate of my mind, losing its gust - and my ambition -"

She grabbed me by the shoulders and kissed me.

She kissed me as though there she had the world to lose from not doing it. Her lips moved against mine, gauging the shape of my mouth, and then explored with a sensual ease. I stifled a noise. Her tongue slid along the seal of my lips, and then she pulled back, breathing heavily.

"Keats," she said, with such intensity I almost thought she was angry. "You - you - Keats."

"Yes?" I was not confident in my ability to speak clearly. I whispered instead.

"You," she said, and then, "oh my God," and kissed me again.

We continued like this for a time. We wiled away the hours by talking, and kissing, at no regular intervals but rather whenever we felt like it. And then, when I was struggling to speak through my yawning and she was swaying tiredly on the sill, I looked at my watch and noted that it was almost four o'clock.

She decided that it was time for her to return home, and so with a parting kiss, she left me alone in my windowsill. She snuck back along my roof, leapt the gap, and then slid through her own window. I watched her until she was out of view.

I still cannot sleep. It is almost six o'clock, now, and technically not the correct date for make this post, but it can't be helped. Extenuating circumstances have conspired to keep me awake, exhausted, and deliriously happy.


	9. Chapter 9

TT: Hey, GA? Are you online?  
TT: I can't sleep.  
GA: Yes I Am  
GA: Neither Can I  
TT: I've been up for hours thinking about tomorrow.  
TT: The date, rather.   
GA: Really  
GA: What Is Bothering You About It  
TT: Oh, a myriad of worries, none of which are either relevant or logical, but which plague me nonetheless. Story of my life, really.  
GA: A Myriad Of Worries Which Are Neither Relevant Nor Logical  
TT: Yes, exactly.  
GA: Well Of Course I Am No Expert  
GA: But I Hear That Sometimes Telling Other People About Your Worries Is A Good Way To Organize Your Thoughts And Hear A Logical Debunking Of Said Worries  
TT: I'd rather be distracted. I don't want to think about it, or admit to most of it.  
GA: Are You Sure  
GA: You Seem Uncertain Of Your Resolve  
GA: If You Really Wanted To Be Distracted Then You Would Have Started A Conversation With Me About A Different Subject  
GA: But You Did Not  
TT: Psychoanalyzed by my own friend. The circle is complete.  
TT: I guess you want me to talk about my emotions, discuss the implications of all my anxieties, meticulously disprove every negative thing I'm thinking about myself. Is that the case?  
GA: I Want To Make You Feel Better  
GA: That Is All I Want To Do And If That Means Just Waiting And Listening And Saying Nothing At All Then That Is What I Will Do  
TT: You're ridiculously kind to me.  
GA: No I Am Not  
GA: I Am Only Reasonably Kind To You  
TT: It seems a little ridiculous to me.  
GA: Perhaps Because A Ridiculous Amount Of Kindness Is Reasonable When Dealing With Rose Lalonde  
TT: That was cheesy. I'm a sucker for that kind of stuff, though, I'll freely admit. You've won the right to my disclosure.  
GA: Still Dont Think You Get The Way This Whole Freely Given Kindness Thing Works But  
GA: Go Ahead And Disclose Away  
TT: The date with Kanaya is in about twelve hours, and I don't know what I'm doing. I mean, theoretically, I know what one does on a date. You walk around and talk about things and share your interests and revel in each others' presence. But theory and praxis are radically different fields.  
GA: True  
TT: I haven't . . . done this before.  
GA: What Do You Mean "Done This"  
TT: Dated? Had a girlfriend? Been asked out?  
TT: Actually, that's not true. I've been asked out twice, but both times I declined. So it was never in danger of actually going anywhere.  
GA: Out Of Curiosity Why Did You Decline  
TT: One asker was a boy and the other was a close friend with whom I had no intention of engaging in romantic drama. The memory of my sister's friends' romantic debacle was fresh in my mind and I wanted no part of intra-friend-pool dating. As nice as she was.  
GA: I Get That  
TT: To me, dating always seemed like something theoretical. It was something that you grew up and *did*, but you never actually put effort into it. Or worried about it. I always figured it was one of those things that I would learn to do when I was ready and that I would instantly get the hang of. As if on your sixteenth birthday you inherit the skills to date.   
GA: And You Have Realized That This Is Not The Way It Works Only Just Now  
TT: Again, theory and praxis. I knew that I was wrong but I hadn't experienced the reality of the situation. And now I am. And it's scary as shit.  
GA: That Was The Way It Felt When I Started Dating  
GA: It Does Not Really Go Away Actually It Always Feels Scary As Shit People Are Scary As Shit And Loving People In Particular Is Scary As Shit  
GA: But Hopefully  
GA: They Are As Terrified Of You As You Are Of Them  
GA: And You Two Wont Have A Thing To Worry About  
TT: So the secret to a functional relationship is mutual terror. Good to know.  
GA: You Know What I Mean  
TT: I do.  
GA: And She Is Probably Scared Of You Too So There Is Nothing To Worry About   
TT: Do you think so?  
GA: Rose I  
GA: I Should Say  
TT: Yes?  
GA:  
GA: How Do You Know If Youre In Love With Someone  
GA: Do You Think  
TT: I don't know.  
TT: I'm fifteen, for God's sake. How should I know what it's like to be in love?  
GA: Fifteen Year Olds Can Be In Love Cant They  
TT: I suppose. But they can't be very good at knowing it, I should think.  
TT: Our brains won't stop developing for six more years at least. I'm not sure that I trust fifteen-year-old me to say whether or not she's in love.   
GA: But I  
GA: I Have Been In A Relationship Before And I Know What Attraction Feels Like And I Know That There Are Some Feelings That Are Not Attraction But Which Attraction Is Part Of  
GA: Feelings That Surpass Friendly Interest And Which Exceed The Bounds Of What Is Physical  
GA: And Those Feelings To Me Because They Bear No Other Name Must Be Love  
TT: This conversation is rapidly developing into something I'm not capable of following completely. But I guess, sure, that could be love.  
TT: I mean, infatuation is also a possibility.  
GA: But Listen  
GA: Listen To Me Please  
GA: Infatuation Is Also A Part Of Love Right  
GA: The Issue With People Feeling Infatuation Is Not The Infatuation Itself But The Absence Of Any Legitimate Basis For That Affection  
GA: Your Feelings For Your Date Therefore Would Not Be Merely Infatuation Because They Are Not Superficial  
GA: They Are Not Based On Obsession But On An Interest And Genuine Affection For Her Personality And Also Her Appearance  
GA: Right  
TT: I guess you could put it that way. Although I haven't inspected those feelings to closely.  
TT: I just know that I like her more than I've liked anyone, really, and she's the only one who's ever returned my feelings with anything near the same degree of intensity.  
GA: That Sounds A Lot Like It To Me  
TT: What are you trying to get at? Are you trying to draw something out of me?  
GA: No  
GA: I Am Trying To Work Through Some Things That I Have Been Dealing With Lately  
TT: Oh. Romantic feelings?  
GA: Yes  
GA: No  
GA: Well  
GA: Someone Whom I Have Thought A Lot About And Am Trying To Pin Down My Feelings For  
GA: Feelings Which I Suspect Originated As Infatuation But Have Developed Over The Course Of Our Shared Time Together Into Something Much More Terrifying Than I Had Anticipated  
TT: That sounds serious.  
GA: Our Relationship Isnt At The Moment  
GA: But I Am Evaluating Whether Or Not I Want It To Be  
GA: Whether Or Not I Am Capable Of A Relationship Of Any Kind Of Seriousness Given My History With It  
TT: Wait. "Your history"?  
TT: From what you've told me, none of your failed history in dating was your fault. It was the product of unfortunate circumstances a ill-fitting partner. Your own participation did nothing to change the outcome.  
GA: Yes It  
GA: Did  
GA: It Was Wrong Of Me To Present The Situation As Something Inevitable When It Was The Product Of My Flaws As Well As Hers  
GA: I Can Be A Little Overbearing At Times  
GA: I Acknowledge This And Do Not Try To Deny It At All Even Though It Is Hard Not To At Times  
GA: I Will Nose Into Peoples Business Even If They Do Not Want Me There  
GA: I Have Been Informed That I Am A Motherer And A Busybody  
TT: So you care about your partner. Big fucking deal.  
GA: Its Not That  
GA: Being Smothering Is Not A Very Attractive Quality  
GA: Nor Do I Want My Potential Partner To View Me As A Matronly Figure In Her Life  
TT: Maybe you need someone who wants that kind of influence and reassurance in their life. Still isn't a bad thing.  
GA: I Have Tried Not To Think About It Too Much  
GA: But Being Involved With People  
GA: I Have A Tendency To Involve Myself In Others Business  
GA: My Sister  
GA: My Friends  
GA: My Ex  
GA: Affairs In Which I Had No Business Meddling But Attempted To Anyway Because Of My Misguided Belief That I Could  
GA: Help  
TT: Well, if you're aware of it, it shouldn't be a problem.  
TT: For what it's worth, I haven't noticed you being overbearing at all with me.  
TT: Every time you've given me advice, it's either been because I've asked for it or because you had something earnest and helpful to contribute to my decisionmaking process. It would be illogical for me to be mad at you for caring.  
GA: No It Would Not Be  
GA: Rose  
GA: You Are Under No Obligation To Humor Me If I Become Tiresome To You  
TT: An impossible hypothetical, ergo, a needless disclaimer.  
GA: Damn It I Am Being Serious  
GA: I Have Hurt People In Situations That Could Have Been Avoided Had I Minded My Own Business  
GA: It Is A Problem Of Mine And I Need To Know That If I Step Over A Line You Will Tell Me That I Stepped Over It  
GA: Not Keep Quiet For The Sake Of Preserving My Ego  
TT: Oh.  
TT: In that case, all right.  
TT: If I'm pissed at you for something, I'll tell you.  
GA: Thank You  
GA: I Am Sorry  
GA: You Contacted Me For Help And I Responded With This Emotional Dump  
TT: We had a regular feelings jam. Felt kind of relieving, actually.  
TT: Emotionally draining, but I'm starting to feel sleepy, so perhaps that was a good thing.  
GA: Okay  
GA: Go To Sleep Then  
GA: I Will Talk To You After Your Date Tomorrow  
TT: Sounds good.  
TT: Talk to you then.

* * *

TG: k so when i said "i dont need to hear that shit"  
TG: in reference to your weird online exhibitionist kink  
TG: did you somehow misread that as "wow lets make out with the gf and post it on my blog in graphic detail"  
TG: i mean i feel like i was pretty clear  
TG: but who even knows man maybe i wasnt   
TT: Dear me. You do realize that the "block post" function is perfectly operational, correct?  
TT: At any time you were perfectly free to mind your own business. And yet the onus falls upon me to trim my private posts for your perusal?  
TG: wow yeah fuck you dave you piece of shit how dare you read something i posted on my sfw personal blog thats over the line  
TT: I mean, it's a valid point.  
TG: god damn  
TG: shouldve known better than to try and be a good friend this is where trying hard gets me  
TG: the middle of sloppy relative makeouts and a hella uncomfortable comments section  
TG: did you even read the fuckin comments section  
TT: I made successful use of the block button that night, and I recommend that you do, too. It has improved my life immensely.  
TG: yeah you dont have to worry about it i already did  
TG: so whassup with rox  
TT: Problems that I feel uncomfortable sharing with more people than I already have. She's somewhat touchy about them, lately, and I don't want to violate her privacy.  
TG: right  
TG: blog posting is fine but telling your cousin. out of fuckin bounds yo  
TT: It's different and you know it.  
TT: Most of my followers have no reason to care about Roxy's emotional state, aside from interest as it pertains to my life and narrative. But if I told you, then it would constitute a breach of trust.  
TT: If you want to send her something to make her feel better, though, I can wholeheartedly advise that.  
TG: aight sounds good  
TG: ill mix her something  
TT: Kind of you.  
TT: By the way, your paramour threatened me of late.  
TG: mmk  
TG: back that sentence up and turn it the fuck around because youre gonna need the turn radius of a semitruck to navigate that shit back into tactful territory  
TT: What? It was only the truth.  
TG: k for one thing  
TG: what paramour  
TT: The newfound subject of your adoration. The crabby, irritable bastion of all your romantic hopes and dreams. The caps-lettered, grey-texted, fatherly figure to which you pledge your troth.  
TG: my troth aint nobodys but mine  
TG: and again i dont have a fucking clue who youre talking about  
TT: carcinoGenetecist, Dave.  
TT: I know you think you're sneaky with your anons, but I've been reading your type for nine years. I know when it's you.  
TG: lmao are you still talking about that guy  
TG: give it up im not asking him anything much less advice  
TT: Curious that even now, in the face of your discovery, you cling to plausible deniability. As if it even still exists.  
TG: literally what proof  
TT: A series of anons asking about nosy sisters?  
TT: Interspersed with periodic, timid questions about the exploration of one's sexuality?  
TT: Come on, Dave. I didn't think you took me for a fool.   
TG: literally whatever lalonde  
TG: just because youve got your hot wife lined up all of a sudden youre matchmaker  
TT: What can I say? Love is in the air.  
TT: I think that someone with his level of intensity would suit you. You need someone more . . . passionate than yourself. Opposites attract, and whatnot.  
TG: novel concept: shutting the fuck up  
TT: Novel concept: accepting advice graciously.  
TG: novel concept: not being patronizing as all hell  
TT: Novel concept: ceasing to express ourselves through passive aggression and engaging in productive discourse.  
TG: novel concept: yeah ok  
TT: Good. Glad we can move on.  
TT: I'll stop bugging you about it if you really insist, but I think that you shouldn't dismiss the opportunity as out of hand. The teenage years are ones for exploration and experimentation. There are worse people out there to do it with than Karkat.  
TG:  
TG: mmk whatever i guess  
TT: Sigh.  
TG: so whats with this thing between you and ga   
TT: "Ga"?  
TG: grimauxiliatrix  
TG: or whatever ridiculous ass handle she picked why do all of your friends choose the weirdest shit  
TT: Sorry, turntechGodhead.  
TT: I guess it's something about the company I draw.  
TG: point fair lets acknowledge that bigass glass house from which i fired that particular stone and move on  
TG: for real though  
TT: What do you want to know? She's a good friend and a lovely conversationalist. You meet those, sometimes, on the Internet.  
TG: mmk  
TG: you just kinda seem to be  
TG: how do i put this  
TG: flirting  
TG: a little bit  
TG: and obviously i dont know if she gets that or whatever but you have a certain pattern of flirting thats hard to miss  
TT: What "pattern," Dave?  
TT: I don't flirt *that* much.  
TG: wow whats that oh its the fresh scent of bullshit  
TG: you flirt with literally every girl  
TG: every one of them  
TG: when we were five you would push me off the play structure so you could be alone with the girls up there  
TG: when i was 13 you came with me to a school dance as my wingman and spent the rest of the night dancing with my crush  
TG: and she fucking came out on facebook last week  
TG: you turned my middle school crush gay rose  
TG: hows a guy supposed to recover from that  
TT: It's not my fault she has good taste.  
TT: Also, she came to the dance in a buzzcut and a suit, Dave. Whatever aesthetic she was going for, "straight" had no part in it.  
TT: I was doing you a favor. I didn't want you to get invested in a relationship that might end in heartbreak when she fell for your good-looking cousin instead.  
TG: fuck off oh my god  
TG: i was 13  
TT: So?   
TG: i wasnt gonna get invested in shit all i wanted to do was like hold her hand for 5 minutes i didnt even know what a crush fuckin was  
TT: All right, granted. I still think I'm in the right here, but I'll drop it.  
TT: How am I "flirting" with GA?  
TG: youre like  
TG: teasing her and giving her compliments and shit and like  
TG: normally id be like "oh there goes rose lalesbionde with her homewrecker ways that wild sonofagun she sure loved girls" but  
TG: youve got a date and a girlfriend now and shit  
TG: and obviously ive never been in a relationship so i dont fucking know but in most monogamous ones flirting around aint kosher  
TT: I don't think I'm doing anything wrong. Nothing that GA and I do falls outside the bounds of a friendly, warm relationship. I'm sure Kanaya would have no problem with it.  
TG: ok  
TG: tell her then  
TT: What?  
TG: tell her about ga or something i dont know fuck  
TG: youre verging on the edge of 90s sitcom love triangle territory and im not here for it  
TT: If Kanaya and I are the leads, what would that make you?  
TT: The sassy gay best friend?  
TG: rose go be your own damn sassy gay best friend   
TT: Can't we both be the sassy gay best friend?  
TG: k whatever but only because theres no way im playing the expendable season 1 love interest  
TG: kanayas nice and all but im not here for it  
TT: Thanks.  
TG: np  
TG: im serious though  
TG: like if she doesnt know you cant like  
TG: you cant act like youre single right im pretty sure thats standard procedure for the 1-date thing  
TG: default to taken unless told otherwise  
TT: GA reads my posts. She knows I'm in a relationship, or verging on one, at least. She wouldn't let me do anything indecent.  
TG: you realize that sentence is kinda fucked up  
TG: like its not her job to make sure you dont cheat on your own damn gf  
TT: I am not cheating on Kanaya.  
TT: And your presumptuousness is starting to irritate me.  
TG: oh fucking really  
TG: what must that be like i wonder  
TG: what could that fucking possibly be like i just cant fucking imagine  
TT:  
TT: Let's acknowledge the big-ass glass house from which I fired that particular stone and move on.  
TG: yeah ok  
TT: How about this: I won't be nosy about carcinoGenetecist, and you won't be nosy about me and Kanaya/GA. Deal?  
TG: uh  
TG: this seems kind of like were avoiding both problems instead of solving either  
TT: That strategy's always worked for us before, hasn't it?  
TG: point  
TG: ok sounds good i guess  
TG: truce  
TT: Truce.

* * *

CG: SO HERE'S THE THING.  
CG: I'M SCROLLING DOWN THE DASH, MINDING MY OWN FUCKING BUSINESS, DOING WHAT I NORMALLY DO, AND THEN THIS FUCKING NOTIF POPS UP IN MY INBOX. AND I'M LIKE, "OKAY, SOMEONE PROBABLY HAS AN ASK, I HAVEN'T PUBLISHED IN A WHILE, LET'S SEE WHAT THEY'VE GOT."  
CG: SO I OPEN THE MESSAGE.  
CG: LO AND BEHOLD, IT'S SOME ANON ASKING FOR ADVICE. BUT NOT JUST ANY ANON. THE SAME FUCKING ANON THAT'S BEEN PESTERING ME FOR WEEKS AND WEEKS ABOUT THE SAME FUCKING TOPIC. AND THE TOPIC  
CG: THE TOPIC, KANAYA  
CG: IS THIS:  
CG: "LMAO DO YOU EVER LOOK AT YOUR OWN TOES AND BE LIKE 'WHOA BRUH THE FUCK ARE THOSE'? THEYRE JUST LITTLE FAT SAUSAGES ON YOUR FEET LOL"  
CG: NOTHING MORE.  
CG: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE.  
CG: THE MOST VAPID, UNINTELLIGENT, POINTLESS, CONTENTLESS WASTE OF DATA AND VALUABLE SERVER EFFORT THAT MY OWN MUCH-ABUSED EYES HAVE EVER BEEN FORCED TO LOOK UPON. RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY FUCKING INBOX.  
CG: CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT?  
GA: Karkat Please  
GA: I Mean Yes Of Course That Is Very Concerning But  
GA: It Is Not The Most Important Thing Right Now  
CG: WHY THE FUCK NOT?  
CG: LET ME CLARIFY: THIS ISN'T A ONE-TIME THING. THIS ISN'T ME JUST BACKFLIPPING EXPERTLY OFF THE HANDLE BECAUSE OF ONE STRANGE MESSAGE.  
CG: THIS EXACT QUESTION HAS BEEN ASKED A GRAND TOTAL OF 17 TIMES OVER THE COURSE OF THE PAST WEEK, AND I AM ABOUT A HAIRSBREADTH AWAY FROM DELETING MY ASKBLOG BECAUSE OF IT.  
CG: IT IS FUCKING UNACCEPTABLE.  
GA: I Am Sorry But  
GA: Wait  
GA: Seventeen  
CG: YEAH, FUCKING SEVENTEEN.  
CG: GETTING THE PICTURE?  
GA: You Counted  
CG: YES, I COUNTED.  
CG: I ANSWERED THE FIRST FOUR. THEN I STARTED JUST POSTING THEM AND RANTING IN THE TAGS. IT'S ONLY THE PAST SIX THAT I HAVEN'T BEEN RESPONDING TO, BECAUSE I THINK PEOPLE MAY BE TURNING IT INTO A MEME OF SOME KIND AND I WON'T STAND FOR THAT SHIT.  
CG: I'M NOT GOING TO GO DOWN IN BLOG HISTORY AS "TOE SAUSAGE GUY."  
GA: Have You Considered That It May Be Too Late  
CG: I LIKE TO THINK POSITIVE.  
CG: BUT IF I EVER CATCH THE ASSHOLE RESPONSIBLE, THEIR ASS IS GETTING BLOCKED BEFORE THEY CAN REALIZE WHAT HIT THEM.  
GA: Right  
GA: As Fascinating As Your Complaints Are I Am In A Little Bit Of A Panic Right Now So If You Could Bear To Pull Your Thoughts Away From The Invasion Of Your Inbox By Shitposters It Would Be Much Appreciated  
CG: FINE. WHAT'S GOING ON?  
GA: I Have A Date With Rose Lalonde In Twenty-Two Minutes And I Am Currently Standing Undressed In Front Of My Closet With No Bloody Idea What To Wear  
CG: *THIS* IS WHAT YOU SILENCED MY COMPLAINTS FOR?   
GA: Karkat  
CG: I MEAN, WHATEVER. WHATEVER! IT'S FINE. I'M FINE.  
CG: WEAR SOMETHING CASUAL. IT'S JUST THE FIRST DATE, YOU DON'T WANT TO OVERWHELM HER.  
GA: Overwhelm Her Karkat She Is In No Risk Of Being Overwhelmed  
GA: I Am The One Worrying Here  
CG: "NO RISK"? SOMETIMES I WONDER IF YOU EVEN READ HER BLOG. SHE NEARLY FELL OUT OF THE WINDOW WHEN YOU KISSED HER.  
CG: JUST TOUCH HER FACE OR SOMETHING WHEN YOU PICK HER UP, SHE'LL BE TOO OUT OF IT TO NOTICE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING AFTER THAT.  
GA: She Exaggerates For Dramatic Effect You Know This  
CG: YEAH, BUT NOT ABOUT HER OWN INADEQUACIES. SHE WOULDN'T ADMIT TO BEING SHOCKED IF YOU PAID HER TO.  
GA: Say What You Want I Am Not Listening  
GA: Please Just Help Me  
CG: I DON'T FUCKING KNOW HOW! I WORE SWEATPANTS FOR THE ENTIRE SEMESTER LAST YEAR, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HELP??  
GA: I Meant To Say Something About Those Sweatpants But I Assumed You Just Didnt Have Any Other Clothes  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK, KANAYA.  
GA: Look I Wasnt Going To Be Cruel About It If You Couldnt Afford A New Pair Of Pants  
CG: I CAN AFFORD TO FUCKING BUY PANTS!  
GA: Well Obviously I Know That Now  
CG: WHAT ELSE WERE YOU "THINKING" ABOUT MY OUTFITS LAST YEAR?  
GA: Okay So Before I Say This I Want You To Remember That You Asked  
GA: But Honestly Even If You Think That Nobody Notices You Wearing The Same T-Shirt Two Days In A Row People Do Karkat They Are Just Too Kind To Comment On It  
CG: OK, WOW, WHAT THE FUCK.  
CG: I NEVER DID THAT.  
GA: Yes You Did  
GA: The Grey T-Shirt With The Crab On The Back You Wore It For The Entirety Of Finals Week  
GA: I Forgave You Because Nobody Looked Good On Finals Week  
CG: EXCEPT FOR KANAYA MARYAM, WHO CAME TO MATH CLASS DRESSED FOR A MEETING WITH THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND.  
GA: I Deteriorated In My Own Ways  
CG: YEAH, FUCK, WHATEVER.  
CG: JUST WEAR SOMETHING SIMPLE. DON'T PUT A LOT OF PRESSURE ON HER TO DRESS UP, IT'LL STRESS HER OUT, TOO.  
GA: Okay  
GA: I Will Wear The Red Then  
CG: STUNNING AS IT MAY BE, I DON'T HAVE A COMPREHENSIVE MEMORY OF YOUR CLOSET.  
GA: I Can Send You A Picture  
CG: NO THATS OKAY  
CG: REALLY KANAYA, NO THANK YOU. IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T APPRECIATE THE INITIATIVE, BUT I'M NOT INTERESTED IN SEEING IT.  
GA: red.jpg  
CG: . . .  
CG: WEAR THE SILVER BRACELETS INSTEAD OF THE BROWN. IT CLASHES WITH THE RED AND MAKES YOUR SKIN LOOK DULLER.  
GA: Thank You  
GA: Can I Ask You For Some More Advice  
CG: SURE. WHY NOT.  
GA: What Do I  
GA: Do  
GA: Exactly  
CG: ???  
GA: We Are Going To Be Alone Together For A Number Of Hours Which Is More Than We Have Ever Spent Alone When Not Within Hearing Range Of Our Families Before  
GA: What Do I Talk About  
GA: What Do I Say To Her  
GA: Oh My God What If I Mess Up And Say Something That She Has Told Me Online But Not In Person  
GA: What If I Give The Whole Thing Away  
CG: YOU HAVEN'T TOLD HER YET??  
GA: Karkat The Situation Is Very Delicate  
GA: I Cannot Risk Anything That Might Change Her Opinion Of Me  
CG: SUCH AS A MASS DECEPTION THAT YOU NOT ONLY ORCHESTRATED, BUT CONTINUE TO EXECUTE??  
CG: YOU DON'T THINK THAT WILL EVER FUCKING COME UP??  
CG: AT ONE POINT YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHO YOU ARE ONLINE TO HER, YOU CAN'T KEEP AN ENTIRE PART OF YOUR LIFE SECRET FOREVER.  
CG: SHE'S NOT STUPID. SHE'LL FIGURE IT OUT IF YOU DON'T TELL HER.  
CG: AT WHICH POINT YOU WILL NOT ONLY HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHY YOU LIED, BUT WHY YOU DIDN'T TELL HER AFTER SHE STARTED DATING YOU.  
CG: JESUS FUCK, IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU TO IMAGINE THE SHITSTORM THAT THIS SITUATION COULD EXPLODE INTO? AM I THE ONLY ONE WITH FUNCTIONING FORESIGHT AROUND HERE?  
GA: I Was Planning On Changing My Url Eventually  
GA: I Would Then Give Rose The New Url And Delete My Old Blog  
GA: She Would Never Have To Know About It  
CG: AND WHAT HAPPENS TO "GA" THEN, HUH?  
CG: ARE YOU GOING TO FAKE YOUR OWN DEATH? TELL HER YOU DON'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS ANY MORE?  
GA: I  
GA: I Dont Know I Would Tell Her I Was Deleting And Then Just  
GA: She Would Deal With It  
CG: GOT IT. FUCKING DUMP HER, AND THEN CONTINUE LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED.  
CG: YOU'LL HAVE TO HAVE EVERY FUCKING CONVERSATION YOU HAD AS "GA" AGAIN. DO YOU WANT TO DO THAT?  
CG: RE-EXPLAIN ABOUT YOUR EX? REVIEW FICTIONAL CRUSHES? COME OUT AGAIN?  
CG: DO *EVERYTHING* OVER?  
GA: I Dont  
GA: I Will  
GA: For Rose  
GA: And Now I Know How She Will React  
GA: Which Means I Can Talk About Those Things With Much More Security  
CG: DO YOU THINK THAT'S FAIR TO HER?  
GA: She Will Not Know If It Is Fair Or Unfair  
CG: IN THE SAME WAY A FUCKING BLIND PERSON DOESN'T KNOW IF YOU BUY THEM A SHIRT LABELED "FUCKASS."  
CG: IT'S STILL A SHITTY THING TO DO, AND OTHER PEOPLE MAY BE PISSED AT YOU FOR IT. NAMELY, ME.  
GA: You Are My Friend  
GA: And You Know How Hard It Is To Talk To Someone Who Knows Who You Are  
GA: If She Knew Who I Was  
CG: THE LONGER YOU PUT THIS SHIT OFF, THE MORE LIKELY SHE'S GOING TO BE FUCKING PISSED AS ALL HELL WHEN SHE FINDS OUT.  
GA: She Doesnt Have To  
CG: I  
CG: I'M NOT THREATENING TO TELL HER, OKAY? BUT LISTEN TO ME.  
CG: IF YOU DON'T TELL HER SOON, I WON'T BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CONSEQUENCES.  
GA: You Would Not Have Been Held Responsible Anyway What Are You Talking About What Are You Going To Do  
GA: Karkat  
GA: What Are You Going To Do  
CG: NOTHING, OKAY? JESUS.  
CG: I'M NOT *THAT* SHITTY.  
CG: I JUST.  
CG: DON'T WANT TO WATCH YOU WORK YOURSELF INTO A SITUATION THAT I CAN'T GET YOU OUT OF.  
CG: IT'S HAPPENED BEFORE. IT FUCKING SUCKS.  
GA: I Appreciate Your Concern  
GA: I Really Do  
GA: But  
GA: You Need To Let Me Make My Own Decisions  
GA: And Right Now My Decision Is To Keep Rose In The Dark For The Good Of Our Relationship  
CG: OKAY. I TRUST YOU.  
CG: BUT AS YOUR BEST FRIEND, MY OFFICIAL RECOMMENDATION IS THAT YOU SPILL THE BEANS AS SOON AS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE WITH A CAN OF BEANS THIS FUCKING BIG.  
GA: Thank You For Your Recommendation  
GA: But I Have To Go  
GA: I Have A Date  
CG: YEAH, WHATEVER.  
CG: HAVE FUN.  
GA: Thanks  
GA: I Will

* * *

TT: Roxy?  
TT:  
TT: I'm going out.  
TT: Let me know if you need anything.  
TT: I'll have my phone on, so you can call me at any time.  
TT: If things get rough.  
TT: I also told Dirk where you'd be, and that I'd be away, so he can come help you out if for any reason I'm out of range.  
TT:  
TT:  
TT: Roxy?  
TT:  
TT: I'm going now. See you soon.

* * *

Date: June 19, 2016. Weather: Cloudless. Mood: Disquieted.

News:

Yesterday I went down to the shop downtown and inspected what they had to offer in the way of wands. Some of them, as I suspected, were devoid of power. But there was a box in the corner of serviceable white wands which, when held in the palm of my hand, seemed just the right size and weight for me. I bought them, along with a few more lavender candles. One can never have too many candles. 

The cashier was a tall, broad woman with a beehive hairdo and a long white dress. She had a pair of her own wands which were nearly identical to mine, but a little longer. She stayed silent for the majority of the transaction, but seemed a respectable kind of lady. I think that despite the dubious quality of some of her products, she can be trusted to peddle spiritual materials. At any rate, I would recommend the shop highly. Links to its website will be below the post. 

There have been negative energies pervading my house for the past few days. Although I know their source, I am loathe to inform her of their existence. She would not take well to it. Given her current emotional state, and her general skepticism regarding the arcane and spiritual, I don't dare risk informing her of the negative effect she has on the house. Additionally, it is not her fault. I am somewhat irritated that steps have not yet been taken to ameliorate this state, but that is her choice, and I must respect it. Apparently.

I am looking for ways to cleanse the house, but they are slow coming. I suppose I could scatter crystals around, but the last time I did that, my mother became angry at the "mess" and almost threw several priceless gems away. I only barely saved them from the vengeful crush of the garbage dispenser and didn't talk to her for a week. So crystals are out. I also cannot light candles anywhere but my room, because of "smoke detectors" and other such nonsenses that stand in the way of positive energies. I have settled on making pots of soothing tea and leaving them for Roxy in the hopes that the source of all this negativity will soon recover. However, she does not seem likely to do so soon, and I have become worried. She has not been this miserable since her friends' dating debacle, and that was years ago. 

Finally, I am cautiously setting the date for the Grand Ritual on the 25th. This gives me a little under a week to finish up my last preparations and make sure everything is in order, as well as study the necessary incantations. This is shaping up to be my greatest work yet, and I look forward to it.

Questions Answered:

In response to @gardenGnostic's question about the source of my teas: The grocer informed me that it was organic and fresh-ground, but I very much doubt his honesty. I would confidently declare that it was thoroughly washed before selling and was ground no more than a week ago, but that is all I would say for it. "Organic and fresh ground" are hardly determiners of a tea's quality, anyway. I can recommend a few brands for you, if you're interested.

In response to @caligulasAquarium's apology post: I found it to be both charming and sufficiently self-debasing for you to be removed from my blacklist. I look forward to seeing you write passive-aggressive comments in the tags again after such a long leave of absence. Do not, however, think to forget your past mistakes, or mistakenly believe that I will.

Personal News:

I suppose all of you are aware, as per my last post, that my date with Kanaya was scheduled for today. Accordingly, I awoke at five o'clock in a cold sweat and a state of anxiety about more or less everything, and continued said state until the date itself, which began at two. The day was spent in agonizing lethargy, attempting to gather the wherewithal to do anything but worry about my upcoming social event and fantasize in excruciating detail about all the ways in which I could fuck it up.

Attempting to engage Roxy in a distraction was no help. She was, as usual, sulking. I gather that she was Skyping with her friends and was in no mood to humor the whims of her kid sister. I understand that. There are certainly times when I want only the presence of my friends, and that I wish Roxy would leave me in peace. But it is no less affronting to come face-to-face with that sentiment. I thought of giving her the cold shoulder, but ultimately decided against it. She does not deserve one more person isolated from her. I will not add to her misery. At least, not until I am sure that she has gotten over her previous source of consternation. Then all bets are off.

But let me talk about the date, because anything else will be a stream-of-consciousness anxious ramble which my loyal followers have absolutely no need nor want of. 

I wore an orange dress and a gold necklace. It was a loud choice, but one that would undoubtedly draw the eye. There was a risk that I would be overdressed; still, I was willing to take that chance. Better overdressed and embarrassed than unprepared and ashamed, in my opinion.

Two o'clock rolled around with the unbearable slowness of a car on the last ten minutes of a long journey home. I glanced at the clock every thirty seconds, it seemed, wondering when she would be over, whether she had changed her mind, whether she was going out with someone else instead, whether she'd died. She had never settled upon the exact time of pickup. So I drifted in hypotheticals until 2:14 precisely, whereupon the doorbell rang and I almost shoved Roxy headfirst down the stairs in my urgency to get the door first.

Kanaya looked lovely and simple. She wore the same thing that she did the first time I saw her; an ankle-length red skirt and a simple black shirt. She looked distinctly nervous, but carried it well. 

"Good afternoon," she said. Her voice shook. I remembered how she had been on my windowsill, smooth and composed, and wondered whether daylight had thinned her confidence as it had mine.

"Hi."

Not a very promising start, but I was determined to recover.

"Oh. Hmm." She looked me up and down discerningly, and I hid my hands behind my back.

"What is it?"

"Am I - underdressed for the occasion?" Her gaze lingered on my heels, borrowed again from Roxy.

"No," I was quick to assure her. "You look - so great. Uh."

"If I'd known you wanted to dress in more elegant attire I would have happily - uh - hmm."

"Don't worry about it! Don't worry about it." I considered patting her shoulder, but disregarded it as too presumptuous.

"Well. Um. If you think I'm fine like this, then okay."

She had Porrim drive us to the garden in question. It was an awkward ride. To avoid any uncomfortable conversations, both of us sat in the back, and Porrim said not a single word for the entire ten-minute ride. I was tempted to ask her about my sister, but did not. I knew that the inquiry would prompt an even more uncomfortable situation. And there was only one Maryam in that car I was really interested in talking to, after all, and it wasn't Porrim.

The park in question is a three square-acre plot of land with various paths possible for an erstwhile pair of travelers to choose from. There is one that leads through a flower patch, and another through a shaded wood; and one paved road that wraps around a wide, glistening pond, which beamed under the bright arc of a cloudless sky like a mirror set into the earth. We walked together past all of these but stopped at none of them, chatting about insubstantial things which I cannot remember exactly but recall being indescribably pleasant to think of, at the time. She lead me at last to a stone garden that was protected from general view by rows of hedges. Piles and heaps of flowers and bushes were scattered seemingly at random, creating the atmosphere of a flowering wilderness. Paths were woven through it in such a way that a couple could get lost, if they so chose. We so chose.

She took me to the very back of the garden and revealed to me a forest-shaded glen with a small bench, upon which we both sat and stared at our hands and pretended not to notice our thighs touching (even though they were, indeed, touching), and commented on the state of the grass and the well-maintained nature of the park.

After at least an hour of mildly pleasant nonsense-talking, I gathered what guts I had left after being in her presence for so long and said, "I'd like to say something."

"A bold initiative."

"Yes."

"Go ahead."

"Right." I nodded. "You are the only person -" I stopped. There was no good way to end that sentence, or at least, no way that would achieve the level of suaveness I had idealized, so I cut it short.

"The only person?"

"The only person that I have liked the way I do you."

She frowned. A small line appeared between her brows and I noticed it. "I don't understand you."

"To explain -" I tugged at my bracelets, fiddled with my earrings, tried unsuccessfully to still my hands. "You are the only person that I've liked so much, and wanted as much as - as I do. At present. And pretty much. Ah. Always."

"You haven't - liked people - before?" 

"I have! I have, but it wasn't like it is now. It was only in my mind. It was thinking of things I could do with them, say to them, thinking of what they might be like. For celebrities, or friends - I didn't know what it would be like to know them that way, so it was only imagining it. I didn't see them as people I was in love with, really. It was just the sensation of being in love with them that I liked."

She said nothing.

"But with you," I hurried on, "it's that - you're a person, and I like you, as a person, and I like being with you - I like knowing you - I like pretty much everything about you - and I like liking you, and being liked, and you, without those sensations, and it's - that is the first time it's ever happened to me, that way."

She smiled and it was radiant. "I've liked people that way before," she admitted, but then, moving in close and speaking only to me, so that only I could hear her, "but never as much as you."

"Never? Really?"

"You're so incredulous."

"Yes, but it's - me."

"That's the point, yes."

"Yes, but -"

She kissed me, likely to shut me up, and it was the only circumstance in which I was be content to be quieted.

After that there was less talking and more of her pulling me onto her lap and doing things with her tongue that were arguably just as fascinating as any conversation we could have held together. 

The sun was beginning to sink into the tops of the tallest trees when my phone buzzed, and I broke apart, attempting to breathe normally. She made a small noise of complaint and fixed her lips to my neck, which made it even harder to breathe normally. Sometimes I think Kanaya Maryam has no regard for my health.

I considered letting it slide, and my companion made a compelling nonverbal argument for ignoring it, but after the call went to voicemail and then started up again ten seconds later, I realized someone was urgently trying to get ahold of me and I came to my senses.

I slid off her lap - it was the only way I was going to retain any degree of focus - and checked it. It was Dirk; I answered it immediately.

"Hello?"

"Rose?"

"Speaking."

"Where the fuck are you?"

"Hudson Park," I said, standing up. A queasy feeling knotted itself in my stomach; Kanaya, perceiving my worry, slid her fingers through mine silently. "What happened?"

"Go to the South Entrance, Jake's picking you up."

"Dirk, I swear to God, tell me what happened."

"I'm busy - no, yeah, sorry -" He went off the phone for a few seconds and then came back. "I'm a little busy at the moment."

"Dirk!"

Then, finally, and with a gravity to his words that lodged a knot in the middle of my throat, he said, "Roxy got arrested."


	10. Chapter 10

I will begin this post with an apology in two parts: first, for the abrupt manner in which I ended my last post, and for the unorthodox manner in which I begin this one. I would have continued writing, but I was called away to help Roxy — who, for those of you concerned for her health, is doing just fine. She has been done no legitimate injury, except for scrapes on her knees from where she tripped and fell on her way into the police station, and those are healing quickly. Physically, my sister is fine. I will not say anything more, lest it ruin the continuity of my established linear narrative. Instead, I will begin where I left off.

Jake picked me up at the South Entrance, as promised, in his car. He drives a filthy emerald Jeep that likely has been washed by nothing but the rain since its purchase. He appeared genial but worried, and cleared some of his hiking gear out of the front seat so that I could sit comfortably. Kanaya tagged along, too, for she had not yet let go of my hand and Porrim was unable to pick her up for at least an hour. She reached over from the backseat and put her hand on my shoulder, and I did my best not to shout at the driver.

“Tell me what happened,” I instructed him. “Tell me what she did.”

“Didn’t Dirk tell you?”

“Dirk never tells anybody anything,” I snapped. “You tell me.”

He sighed, tightened his hands on the wheel, and then told me what happened.

Roxy was at home until three. They know that much from her texts to Jane, which chronicle the subsequent series of events, as well as her own record of things. She took her car out for a grocery run at three, and met up with Jane shortly thereafter. When taking lunch together, they saw Porrim, who had another girl with her — the identity of Porrim’s date remains unknown — which agitated Roxy to the point of a hasty escape. Driving away from the restaurant, she broke two laws and the speed limit, leading to a mild crash somewhere near Eighth Street. Her car’s bumper is split in two places and the front tire will need replacing, but nobody was harmed. She was taken into the station at four and they called her emergency contact — which was, apparently, Dirk. He seemed to handle things from there on out, calling Mother and I. He also recruited Jake to chauffeur around the involved parties, as he was the only one between them that had a car.

Immediately after he finished the story, I demanded, “Is she all right?”

“Yes. She’s been roughed up a bit, but otherwise perfectly fine, I’d say.” He reached over to pat my shoulder. “She’ll be all right, you know? Spooked us for a while there, but she’ll be all fine.”

“Keep your hands on the wheel,” I insisted, brushing off the touch.

“Oh, right. Sorry.”

“Thought so.” Kanaya’s hand tightened on my shoulder, and I leaned back into the seat to ease her access. The buildings flew by with increasing rapidity as Jake drove faster, taking curves with an unnerving swiftness. The jeep’s engine rattled in complaint, attesting to past abuses. He seemed to have less regard for the rules of the road than for his own convenience. I could count on two hands the number of minor traffic laws he violated in getting us to the very police station where my sister was arrested for the same. The irony was so poignant it almost pained me.

My mother’s car was parked outside the station when we arrived, and I knew with an impending sense of doom that she was unlikely to be lenient with Roxy. She was anxious about either of us driving — my permit, still un-acquired, was a sore subject — for precisely this reason. Roxy had been arrested for reckless driving before: when she was sixteen, and had been rushing Jane to the hospital after an allergy attack. She wasn’t held accountable for the infraction given the state of emergency of her passenger, but it was a mark on her record nonetheless, despite her legitimate motivations. In this instance, however, there were no legitimate motivations. Only her emotional distress and the cruel whims of Porrim Maryam. 

I say cruel; I should not. Porrim, as an independent and autonomous woman, has every right to cavort with whomsoever she pleases. However, I am under no obligation to speak well of her or her partners. Not when their effect on my sister is tangibly destructive.

I walked into the station at a leisurely and moderate pace, purposefully entering after Jake, who barged in with the demeanor of an elephant moments from death at the hands of an ivory poacher. Kanaya was close behind me, and I would periodically touch her arm to remind myself of her presence and support. She was as composed as a woman of twice her years, and I modeled myself after her.

Dirk was arguing with one of the receptionists. The poor woman looked thoroughly underpaid and overworked, and dealing with an enraged Strider is among the most miserable of possible situations. I sympathized.

“What do you mean? Her mom posted bail, she’s free to go, there’s literally no reason to be keeping her here —“

“Sir, please. There are forms —“

“I don’t give a shit about the forms. She won’t leave the fucking premises if it’s that important, but let her out of the goddamn cell —“

“Sir —“

“Dirk,” I called.

He spun around, one hand carding agitatedly through his hair. “Rose,” he said, with palpable relief. “Okay. Good. Did Jake —“

“He informed me of what happened.”

“Great. Thanks.” He nodded briefly to Jake and rounded again on the receptionist. “I’ll sue the fucking station for every penny it’s worth, I swear to God, if she isn’t out soon —“

“Your friend broke the law, sir. I apologize, but expedition of the process to any further degree would be illegal, and grounds for further suit —“

“Does it look like I give a—“

Roxy appeared through a door in the corner, her clothes dirtier, her hair rumpled, tear tracks painted on her face and fresh tears welling under her eyes, but very much unharmed and utterly alive. She saw Dirk and Jake first, and launched herself at them, hooking an arm around each's neck and drawing him in for a hug. Then she saw me, and shouting, “Rose,” pulled me into the affair; and, noticing Kanaya, generously grabbed her by the shoulder, too, and dissolved into tears.

I patted her back and endured the tight squeeze without complaint. If I were to be completely honest, I was not averse to the notion, and might have suggested said course of action if she had not initiated it. Physical contacted provided to me a reassurance of her safety that merely seeing her had not. It was curious.

“Jesus Christ, Roxy,” Dirk said, muffled by her hair. “Jesus fucking Christ.”

“I — I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry — I didn’t mean to —“

“It’s okay.”

“I know it’s not — it’s not, really, but —“

“It’s okay.” 

“I would like an explanation,” I said, mostly into her shoulder, “if you are amenable.”

“Yeah, I’ll — that’s fine, that’s okay, I’ll explain.” She heaved a shuddering sigh. “But not now. Please, just —“

“Okay. Not now,” I agreed, and then patted her shoulder. It seemed to be standard procedure for comfort. “That’s all right.”

Kanaya moved to exit the hug, and it dissolved. Roxy leaned heavily on Dirk for support, but I suspect it was more from exhaustion than physical injury. 

My mother stood in the corner, watching the proceedings with a masterful pokerface. I have never seen her emotionless before. It was somewhat frightening.

“Where’s Jane?” I glanced around; I could find no sign of her in the waiting room, nor had I seen her minivan in the parking lot.

“Getting my car fixed,” said Roxy. “Left after her statement so I wouldn’t have to do insurance shit.”

“She’s good with cars?”

“Her dad knows a mechanic. It’s cool.” She detached herself from Dirk and Jake reluctantly. “Uh. So.”

Kanaya touched my elbow meekly, and I drew away from the group, leaving Roxy to explain herself to her friends in peace. “Is something wrong?”

“I do not wish to be rude,” she hedged, “but this seems to be a very private matter, which I — despite my regard for your sister — should not, necessarily, but a part of.”

“You’re welcome here.”

“Be that as it may. Roxy deserves the sanctity to explain herself without unwanted ears listening. And I have my own sister to consider.” She smiled apologetically. 

“Ask her what happened, will you?”

“Absolutely.” She hesitated, and then looped one of her pinkies through mine. “Aside from the rather premature termination of our date —"

“It was nice.”

“Yes, precisely.”

“I’d like to talk more about it,” I said, glancing at Roxy, “but —“

“No. Please. Go talk to your family, I’ll go talk to mine.”

“Do you have a ride?” Her lips flattened and she considered the problem.

“Not right now. A friend of mine has a car, but he lives half an hour away, and he won’t be off work for a while.”

“Jake can take you,” I offered.

“Can’t you, Jake?” He looked up.

“What’s that?” “Kanaya needs a ride. Are you going?”

He checked his watch. “More or less,” he said agreeably, adding, “if you like, I can drop you off before heading home. Roxy doesn’t live too far away — if you’re near her, it shouldn’t be a problem.”

“Thank you.” She dipped her head. “I’m sorry; I’ve been something of an inconvenience —“

Jake waved it off. “Stop that, you’re nobody’s inconvenience. I’ll take you.”

He murmured his goodbyes to Roxy and left, Dirk in tow and Kanaya following. I called a goodbye to her as she left, and she returned it with a hasty wave of farewell.

Paperwork kept us there for another hour at least. Apparently, being arrested and freed is a nightmare, bureaucratically speaking. Mother signed several different waivers and various confirmations of bail, and Roxy was only allowed to go once they had sorted out the charges alleviated properly. I’m pretty certain that at one point the receptionist was intentionally elongating our stay out of bitterness for Dirk’s earlier rudeness, but I couldn’t verify such intent. I could only sit in silence and watch Roxy do the same, and wonder as to my mother’s thoughts. 

She walked out of the station without saying a word to us when she finished. We tagged along behind her and slid into the backseat of her car, attempting to make as little noise or fuss as possible. Our mother rarely was angry. She was never silent.

We were ten minutes out from the station when she spoke. “I didn’t think,” she began. “I didn’t — I.”

“Mom?” Roxy looked on the verge of tears. I slid my ankle over and crossed it with hers.

“You’re a responsible driver. You are. I need to believe that you are. I need to believe that you — that you can —“

“I am.”

“Right.”

“It was once,” she pleaded. “Once — that was all — it won’t happen again, it was dumb. I don’t care about the whole thing anymore, even, it was a stupid reason, anymore, just —“

“Just what?” She had nothing to say, so she said nothing. The car cut through the evening swiftly.

“We’re going away,” she said, at last.

“What?” I wrenched forward, trying to see her face in the rearview. “Where?”

“Long Island. We can rent a house there, and just — take some time. Away from this.” 

“What are you talking about?” Roxy's tone verged on panic.

“Porrim,” she said, tightly. “Until you can control —“

“I can!”

“Obviously not!” My mother’s voice was shrill. “So we’re going away — I’ve been meaning to plan a vacation for weeks, now, and this is just the opportunity —“

“What am I supposed to say to Kanaya?”

“Tell her that your family is going on a vacation, Rose,” my mother bit out. “As families do. It isn’t inconceivable.”

“We —“

“I’m sorry,” she said. She didn’t mean it. “Reconcile yourself with it. My decision is final.”

I was tempted to sulk for the incredible unfairness of it all — it was Roxy’s wrongdoing, not mine, and I saw no reason as to why I should bear the punishment for it — but I refused to. I would not be childish. It was Roxy’s childishness which had gotten us into the mess, anyway.

I can’t blame her, as much as it would be convenient to. It wasn’t her fault. I know that. Logically, I know that.

I cannot stop myself from resenting her anyway.

My mother's decision illustrates the distinction between understandable and logical. I can understand it perfectly: an aging, paranoid mother afraid of losing control of her children attempts to exercise her parental authority by pulling them apart from their friends. It is a desperate ploy. She knows as well as they do that her influence on them fades with each passing day. But she tries nonetheless. A study in futility, her desperation, and illogical to the extreme. She is hurt by my sister's wrongdoing and scared by my reticence to condemn the wrongdoing. I am angry at her, yes, but more than that, I pity the infantile motivations which she so eagerly humors. I pride myself on finding more 

Kanaya's house was dark when we returned. I raced to my room and sat in my window, waiting for her indefinitely, but nothing happened. Her room remained dark. My window was a lonely, solitary perch, confronted with the possibility of an indefinite leave of absence, faced with the plausible likelihood of losing her smiling face for a very long time.

Have a good evening, Readers.

-tentacleTherapist

* * *

grimauxiliatrix [GA] began pestering  gothicAstrator [(GA)]  
GA: Roxy Was Arrested Today  
(GA): What?  
(GA): What happened?  
(GA): Is she all right?  
GA: She Is Fine  
GA: She Was Arrested For Reckless Driving And A Minor Collision  
GA: Nobody Was Harmed  
(GA): Thank go+d.  
GA: However  
GA: She Suggested That The Reason For Her Behavior Might Have Been Related To You  
(GA): That's prepo+stero+us. I wasn't anywhere near her.  
GA: Perhaps You Think So  
GA: But She Attests To Have Seen You With A Girl At The Restaurant In Which She Took Lunch Shortly Prior To Her Crash  
(GA): I  
(GA): O+h, Jesus.  
(GA): I think I remember her. She was o+n a date with the cute brunette, right? In the co+rner table, by the windo+w.  
GA: That Was Likely Her And Jane Yes But You Are Mistaken As To The Nature Of Their Outing  
GA: It Was A Strictly Platonic Luncheon Which Two Girls Were Enjoying Together In Peaceful Platonic Harmony  
GA: She Seems To Be Under The Impression That Your Outing Was Not Of The Same Nature  
(GA): That's no+t the case at all. I'm a little upset that she go+t in an accident fo+r it, actually.  
GA: Well Then Tell Me What Was The Case  
(GA): Latula and I went o+ut because her bo+yfriend isn't in to+wn and she was feeling bo+red. That's all there was to+ it.  
GA: Hmm  
GA: And Have You And Latula Ever  
(GA): O+kay, first o+f all, no+ne o+f yo+ur business.  
(GA): Seco+nd o+f all, o+nce, when we were like, twelve, and had no+ idea what sex even was, so+ we didn't do+ anything. It was pretty sho+rt-lived, anyway, because she met Tuna that year.  
(GA): There hasn't been anything since.  
GA: Do You Want There To Be  
(GA): Jesus. No+. Why are yo+u so+ wrapped up in this? She's a go+o+d friend, that's all.  
GA: I Am Only Thinking  
GA: Perhaps Roxy Was Upset By Your Apparent Relationship Because Of Some Harbored Feelings For You Herself  
GA: I Mean This Is Only A Theory But  
(GA): What?  
(GA): Ro+xy was the o+ne who+ bro+ke it o+ff with me.  
GA: Uh  
GA: What Now  
(GA): I to+ld yo+u. She's the o+ne who+ bro+ke it o+ff.  
(GA): We were in my ro+o+m, do+ing stuff, o+r wo+rking up to+ it, and she asked me a co+uple o+f questio+ns that I was in no+ fit state to+ answer - being in the middle o+f do+ing stuff, o+bvio+usly - and then she go+t angry at me and left. And she wo+uldn't return any o+f my messages after that.  
(GA): I figured that she'd just go+tten tired o+f me, o+r so+mething.  
GA: Now  
GA: Now I Think You Should Try And Remember What It Was Exactly She Asked You  
(GA): So+mething abo+ut o+ur relatio+nship?  
(GA): She wanted to+ kno+w what we were. To+ me. I guess.  
GA: And What Did You Say Exactly  
(GA): Exactly what I meant. That I liked her, and I liked the things we did to+gether, and that I wanted to+ do+ as much o+f them as po+ssible.  
(GA): That was pretty much all I co+uld think abo+ut, at that po+int. I mean, o+f co+urse she's great. I like her and all. But I do+n't kno+w what she expected me to+ say.  
GA: Maybe That You Wanted To Initiate With Her A More Serious Relationship  
GA: Perhaps Is A Theoretical Thing She Might Have Possibly Wanted You To Say I Do Not Know It Is Up In The Air  
(GA): Why wo+uld she?  
GA: What Do You Mean  
(GA): I've kno+wn her fo+r all o+f two+ weeks. It's no+t like we're so+ul mates o+r anything. It's just fun to+ hang with her, and do+ o+ther shit to+gether. It sucked when she left witho+ut an explanatio+n o+r anything, but hey, things happen.  
GA: Things Happen  
(GA): Yeah.  
GA: Would You Like Other Things To Happen  
(GA): What do+ yo+u mean?  
GA: Let Me Be Perfectly Clear  
GA: If Roxy Asked You Out Right Now What Would Your Answer Be  
(GA): Yes? O+bvio+usly?  
(GA): She's funny, and smart, and shit. And nice. I do+n't kno+w why the fuck she to+o+k a liking to+ me, but it was co+o+l while it lasted. Just because I'm no+t lo+o+king fo+r a lifetime co+mmitment do+esn't mean that I'm no+t up fo+r so+mething exclusive.  
GA: Could You At One Point  
(GA): Co+uld I what?  
GA: Do The Lifetime Commitment Thing  
(GA): Well, fuck, I do+n't kno+w.  
(GA): I do+n't think abo+ut that kind o+f shit o+ften. Stay fo+cused o+n the present, yo+u kno+w? Lo+o+k at what's happening. Thinking abo+ut lo+ng term shit do+esn't get yo+u anywhere in the no+w.  
GA: Ok Yes Right So You Dont Think About That Generally But Lets Entertain The Hypothetical That You Did  
GA: What Would A Look Into The Future Entail For You  
(GA): I'm eighteen, Jesus fuck.  
(GA): I do+n't need to+ think abo+ut that. I sho+uldn't be thinking abo+ut that.  
GA: For Gods Sake Porrim This Is Just A Question About What You Want With Roxy Lalonde It Is Not Asking You To Consider The Broad Sprawl Of An Inconcrete Future And Evaluate It In Five Hundred Words Or Less  
(GA): Fine. If Ro+xy wants so+mething lo+ng-term, that's o+k, it's whatever with me, but I do+n't  
(GA): I do+n't do+ that kind o+f thing.  
GA: Why Not  
(GA): Yo+u ask that like it's the default. Like everybo+dy always do+es lo+ng-term eventually. And I bet yo+u've go+t that in mind, because yo+u and Ro+se have it made - yo+u like the same shit, yo+u're bo+th sarcastic little assho+les, yo+u're made fo+r each o+ther.  
(GA): I do+n't kno+w shit abo+ut making that kind o+f thing wo+rk.  
(GA): And it's no+t a go+o+d idea fo+r me to+ go+ head fucking first into+ so+mething that co+uld end up with bo+th o+f us regretting it. If I metapho+rically shit myself in the middle o+f the relatio+nship and break up with her o+r do+ so+mething do+uchey and leave her wrecked, it's o+nly go+ing to+ leave a so+ur taste in bo+th o+f o+ur mo+uths.  
GA: But She Really Seems To Like You  
GA: And You Seem To Really Like Her  
(GA): Well, hi, Kan, welco+me to+ the wo+rld o+utside o+f ro+mance no+vels. That isn't eno+ugh.  
GA: I Know That But  
GA: It Could Be For A Little Bit  
(GA): What are yo+u trying to+ co+nvince me to+ do+?  
GA: Just Answer My Question  
GA: Do You Like Her  
(GA):  
(GA): Yes, o+kay? I've answered it already. I like her.  
(GA): Go+ to+ bed, Kanaya. It's to+o+ late fo+r this shit.

* * *

TT: I suppose you saw my post.  
TT: You know that I'll be gone from my house for a considerable time, during which I will have absolutely no access to proper supplies, nor will I able to run the blog, really. Not to mention the fact that there will be precious little to write about, given that I will be somewhere on a featureless beach, miles from any friends or romantic opportunity.  
GA: Yes I Saw That  
GA: I Am Very Sorry About It Actually And Am Wondering If You Could Not Convince Your Mother Otherwise  
TT: I've tried. Her mind is made up. Of all the times for her to grow a spine around me and Roxy.  
TT: I shouldn't say that. But I'm angry with her, and a little bit with my sister, to a lesser extent.  
GA: I Can Understand That Quite Well  
GA: I Am Having A Similar Problem With My Sister At Present  
TT: What seems to be your problem?  
GA: She And I Have Different Opinions About A Course Of Action She Took Recently Which Had Detrimental Effects On The People Around Her  
GA: Particularly Her Girlfriend  
TT: Girlfriend?  
GA: Ex Girlfriend I Suppose  
TT: Unfortunate. What happened?  
GA: Something She Has Made Me Swear Not To Reveal And Although In The Case Of Any Other Subject I Would Tell You It Is Not Necessarily My Prerogative To Say  
TT: Very well. If it's her secret, I won't press you for details. My own sister has expressed similar confidence in me, although I haven't been half so adept at keeping it.  
GA: A Matter Of Disposition I Imagine  
TT: Arguably.  
TT: You'll be my only source of comfort for my indefinite leave of absence, you know. Well. Not my only source, but one of the only notable strangers in my life. Kanaya and I don't communicate digitally. Suppose it never seemed necessary, living next to each other and everything.  
GA: Yes I Dont Think There Would Be Any Point To That Would There Be  
GA: What When You Can See Each Other So Easily  
TT: Precisely my thinking. It appears we're surfing the same wave, here.  
GA: What  
TT: Thinking similarly. I've been talking to Dave.  
GA: Oh  
GA: Turntech  
TT: That's the one. Oddly eloquent for someone scraping together a C in English, and he talks like he's just eaten a dictionary and is enjoying the lingering aftertaste of grandiose verbage.  
GA: I Would Reread That Sentence And Then Contemplate The Precarious Nature Of The Glass House From Which That Last Stone Was Vaulted  
TT: Reread and duly noted.  
TT: Although the only reason he has a C is because I ghostwrote his term paper. Don't tell him I said that, but it's true.  
GA: My Lips Are Thoroughly Sealed  
GA: So Where Is It You Are Staying Exactly  
TT: My mother's renting a beach house out on the South Shore. Apparently she thinks it'll be good to get away from suburban drama. Whatever that means. It's not like a locational migration will change anything, not in the digital age.   
GA: You Will Still Be Providing Blog Updates Then  
TT: Of course. What kind of blogger do you take me for?  
GA: Nothing Less Than A Dutiful And Dedicated Purveyor Of Original Content Of Course  
TT: Sarcasm, Grim dearest?  
GA: Me  
GA: Sarcastic  
GA: Never  
TT: More the fool me for thinking it, I suppose.  
GA: More The Fool You Indeed  
TT: I'm going to be disgustingly sentimental for a moment. Forgive me, please.  
GA: That Will Depend On The Kind Of Sentiment You Express  
GA: Is It The Kind Of Sentiment Where You Alert Me To Your Displeasure Or A More Pleasant Kind Of Sentiment  
TT: The latter, although you caught me in a rare linguistic oversight, and I commend you, there.  
GA: "Rare"  
TT: The line between carefully orchestrated Freudian subtext and legitimate verbal miscues is blurry, and lined with dick jokes.  
TT: Beware its exploration.  
GA: I Will Play Hopscotch With The Line Of Dick Jokes If I So Please  
TT: I want that put on my tombstone.  
TT: Anyway, back to my disgusting sentimentality.  
GA: If You Wish  
TT: I appreciate you talking to me. Not many of my friends are willing to talk about my incorrigible crush, and it is freeing to have someone so receptive to my emotional vomit. The blog is useful for venting, but you . . . talk to me, and merely through existing have improved my psychological health. So thank you.  
TT: Wow. I thought that would sound a little less dumb when I typed it out, but no. It's just as cheesy as it was in my head.  
GA: Wow  
GA: No I Like It It Was Very Sincere And Genuine And I Appreciate It  
TT: I don't do sincere often, but when I do, I like to think I'm good at it.  
GA: Yes  
GA: Yes You Are  
TT: Thanks.  
TT: I'm not done.  
GA: Oh My God  
TT: I don't have a lot of friends. This isn't something I'm exactly taciturn about it, but it's not something I flaunt. And this isn't to say that I'm dissatisfied with my social circle as it is, but it also isn't to say that I'm unaware of certain personality traits I possess which make me a difficult person to get to know, much less grow close to. Natural suspicion of others' motives and a calculating intelligence make me unapproachable at best and an "ice queen" at worst. I've been told so, by friend and foe alike. Of course, this isn't something I try at, but it's something that I've developed over time. I don't know why I'm this way, but I can't help it.  
TT: Nor is it something I want to help, necessarily. It's just something that's true and that I have felt the effects of, from time to time.  
TT: It's rare to find someone who doesn't care about the layers of irony and insincerity I tend to layer over my actual thoughts, and a person who so effortlessly strips them away.  
TT: Talking to you makes me feel like the kind of person I want to be.  
TT: Now I'm done.  
GA: Oh My God  
TT: Are you all right?  
GA: That Is Absolutely Not True  
TT: It absolutely is.  
GA: I Refuse To Give Credence To This Untempered Nonsense  
TT: As opposed to tempered nonsense? What's that like?  
TT: Well-filtered nonsense? Nonsense that's gone through screenings and edited out graphic material? PG-13 nonsense?  
GA: Rose You Are Distracting Me From The Important Thing Which Is That Big Bit Of Text Up There That I Am Not Over Yet  
TT: What? It's just the truth.  
GA: Just The  
GA: No  
TT: Why are you so resistant to the idea that you're important to me?  
GA: I Am Not  
TT: You are. This is exactly what you're doing - you're denying your own importance, and I won't stand for it.  
GA: Rose  
TT: Allow me to flatter you, for God's sake. There are so few people I genuinely like and admire, and fewer that I ever get the stones to tell so.  
GA: Please  
TT: It's kind of important to me that you believe me, here, because I haven't actually ever told anyone that I like them before. Most of my friends just kind of *know*.  
GA: No  
TT: I don't even know your name!  
GA: I Love You  
TT:  
TT:  
TT:  
TT: I  
TT:   
GA: Rose  
GA: Please Say Something  
TT:  
TT: What is there for me to say?  
GA: Anything  
GA: Whatever You Are Thinking  
TT: What I'm thinking.  
GA: Yes  
TT: I'm thinking that I have no idea what I can say here.  
TT: Hence, why I said nothing.  
GA: Well  
GA: Im Sorry I Shouldnt Have  
TT: I appreciate your honesty.  
GA: Is That It  
TT: Is that *it*?!  
TT: No, it's not *it*! But I'm having a little trouble processing things at the moment, so if you could give me a second or two to gather myself, that would be just fucking grand!  
GA: What Is Complicated About It Though  
TT: What's "complicated"?  
TT: The fact that I have a girlfriend, for starters, GA.  
GA: Ah  
TT: Yeah, "ah."  
GA: But What About Your Feelings  
TT: My "feelings"?  
GA: Put Your Girlfriend Out Of The Picture For A Moment  
GA: Do You Feel Similarly  
TT: I think I know what you're asking me, and I don't like it at all. Kanaya is very dear to me.  
GA: Okay Yes Great Good  
GA: Do You Love Me  
TT: I don't know!  
TT: Are you asking me to cheat on my girlfriend?  
TT: My girlfriend of about three days, total, and whom I am very devoted to?  
TT: I'm not ending my first relationship after three days!  
GA: I Would Never Ask You To Cheat  
GA: I Am Just Asking If You Feel The Same Way  
TT: I don't know, okay?  
GA: How Do You Not Know  
TT: You are  
GA: I Am What  
TT: I think you're smart and witty and maybe one of the best people I've ever met, and currently pressuring me into making a very big confession.  
GA: Oh  
GA: Oh Shit Sorry  
GA: Im Sorry I Didnt Mean To Make You Say Anything You Didnt Want To Im So Sorry  
TT: Look, it's fine. I just want to take some time to think about it.  
TT: I won't deny that I may have said things to . . . lead you on.  
TT: I am a naturally flirtatious person. You are perhaps not wrong in suggesting that I have made remarks which would to any adept reader would not be interpreted as platonic sentiment, strictly speaking.  
TT: And if that compelled you to believe that I reciprocated some kind of romantic sentiment, you wouldn't be. Entirely wrong.  
TT: But I think this is a good cue for me to cut off that kind of behavior.  
GA: You Dont Need To  
TT: How does that make any kind of sense at all? I have a girlfriend, and you're a nameless person on the internet.  
GA: But You Love Me  
TT: That sure is a deduction you could make from the body of assembled evidence.  
GA: You Dont Say So  
GA: But You Do  
TT: That sure is a deduction you could make from the body of assembled evidence.  
GA: You Do  
GA: You Do You Do You Do You Do You Do  
GA: Oh My God  
TT: Stop it.  
TT: I'm in a fuck of a situation over here, and you're not helping.  
GA: No  
GA: No Youre Really Not  
GA: Rose  
GA: Rose Do You Want To Know My Name  
TT: The fuck?  
TT: Now, of all times?  
GA: Yes Now There Is No Time Like The Present Do You Want To Know My Name  
TT: I mean, obviously?  
TT: My curiosity hasn't decreased since I last asked.  
TT: But it hardly seems the proper moment.  
TT: Or the proper conversation.  
GA: No This Is The Perfect Both Of Those Things Because Do You Know What Rose  
TT: Okay, GA. What?  
GA: My Name Is Kanaya Maryam  
GA: I Have A Sister Named Porrim  
GA: And I Have A Girlfriend Named Rose Lalonde  
TT:  
TT:  
TT:  
TT:  
TT:  
TT:  
TT: What.  
GA: I  
GA: I Suppose You Might Have Been Told Sooner Yes But  
GA: This Is Perfect Dont You Understand  
GA: You Fell In Love With Me Twice  
TT: you're  
TT:  
TT: Kanaya?  
GA: Yes  
TT:  
TT:  
TT: you  
TT: You lied to me.  
GA: What  
GA: What No Never  
GA: At Least  
GA: Not Directly  
TT: Don't you fucking dare.  
TT: Don't even fucking try that shit.  
TT: A lie of omission is a lie and you know that.  
GA: I Never Told You Anything That Was Not True  
TT: You let me believe untruths. You let me make a fool of myself for weeks and you never thought to say anything?  
TT: You never thought, "Hey, she might not like being played for an idiot?"  
GA: I Never Thought Of You As An Idiot And I Know Youre Not  
TT: Forgive me for doubting your sincerity.  
TT: Do you  
TT: Do you know how hard it is for me to trust people?  
TT: Oh, wait, of course you do. I told you, didn't I?  
TT: How much did I tell you about myself?  
TT: And all along you didn't think to trust me with one vital fucking piece of information.  
GA: I Did Not Mean To Deceive You  
GA: I  
TT: Wow, really? Well done, then, for an amateur.  
TT: Cut it out. That's like someone sitting down at a piano and playing Brahms, and then laughing it off like an accident.  
TT: Possible, but so unlikely that you really would have to believe me stupid to suggest it.  
GA: Please  
TT: You were getting me to confess things and then using that information to manipulate me!  
GA: That Is Not What Happened  
TT: Did you ever - no. Never mind.  
TT: You know what? I don't care.  
GA: What  
TT: Thank God for my mother's ineptitude. This maneuver is actually going to work.  
GA: What Maneuver  
GA: Rose  
GA: Rose What Are You Doing   
tentacleTherapist [TT] blocked grimAuxiliatrix [GA] 

* * *

TT: Karkat.  
TT: What's her handle.  
CG: WHAT?  
TT: Kanaya's handle. What is it.  
TT: I need you to confirm something.  
TT: Just.  
TT: Tell me what it is.  
CG: SHE MADE ME PROMISE NOT TO TELL YOU.  
TT: Karkat, if the person you're talking about is grimAuxiliatrix, then she already told me.  
TT: Just tell me whether or not it's true.  
CG: OH  
CG: OH SHIT  
CG: WELL  
CG: YEAH, THAT'S HER.  
TT: Right.  
TT: Thanks.  
CG: FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, I'M SORRY.  
CG: I TOLD HER TO TELL YOU IN THE BEGINNING. SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN.  
TT: I appreciate your efforts.  
TT: Please do me a favor, then, and tell her not to make contact with me.  
CG: UH  
CG: WHAT HAPPENED  
TT: I blocked her.  
CG: OH  
TT: Precisely.  
TT: Do me this favor, please.  
CG: I DONT KNOW  
CG: SHOULDN'T YOU BE TALKING THIS SHIT OUT?  
TT: Karkat, if you ever held an ounce of respect for me, you'll honor my wishes.  
CG: FUCKING. OKAY. FINE.  
CG: I'LL TELL HER.  
CG: I REALLY AM SORRY.  
TT:  
TT: For what it's worth.  
TT: Me too.


	11. Chapter 11

carcinoGeneticist [CG]  opened memo on board TEAM FIX THIS SAPPHIC CLUSTERFUCK OF MISCOMMUNICATION ONCE AND FOR ALL.  
CG: OKAY, I'M CALLING THIS MEETING TO ORDER. LET'S KEEP INTRODUCTIONS AS THEY SHOULD BE: BRIEF, AND WITH MAXIMAL CLARITY. NO UNNECESSARY SQUAWKING OR FUMBLING OVER EACH OTHER'S IDENTITIES. WE'VE HAD FUCKING ENOUGH OF THAT, I THINK.  
TG: dude what the fuck  
TG: whats this for  
CG: EXCELLENT, DAVE. THANK FOR BREAKING THE ICE WITH YOUR USUAL IMPECCABLE MANNERS AND ELOQUENCE.  
CG: EVERYONE, THIS IS DAVE STRIDER, URL TURNTECHGODHEAD. HE'S AN ASSHOLE, BUT HE MEANS WELL, SO DON'T BOTHER BEING OFFENDED BY THE ODDLY COMPREHENSIBLE STREAM OF CONTEMPLATIVE GIBBERISH THAT'S GOING TO COME OUT OF HIS MOUTH OVER THE COURSE OF THIS CONVERSATION. MOST OF IT IS HARMLESS.  
TG: is that why you added me  
TG: so you could shit on me for an icebreaker  
CG: MY REASONS FOR INCLUDING YOU ON THIS THREAD WERE AS DIVERSE AS THEY WERE NUMEROUS. YOUR REMARKABLE CAPACITY TO SHATTER THE AWKWARD DIGNITY OF INTRODUCTORY EXCHANGES WAS ONE OF THEM.  
TG: thanks  
TG: maybe  
TG: all cards on the table here im not sure whether that was a compliment  
CG: IT WAS.  
TG: oh sweet  
CG: YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.  
CG: MOVING ON TO FURTHER INTRODUCTIONS. ROXY, IF YOU COULD SAY A FEW WORDS SO WE CAN IDENTIFY YOUR URL AND CHOSEN COLOR OF TYPE FOR THE PURPOSES OF ERADICATING GENERAL CONFUSION, I WOULD BE MUCH OBLIGED.  
TG: sure my shouty grey friend  
TG: whassup yall im rox  
CG: THIS IS ROXY LALONDE, URL TIPSYGNOSTALGIC. SHE PLAYS NO SMALL PART IN THE MESS THAT THIS SITUATION HAS BECOME, BUT SHE WILL ALSO PLAY NO SMALL PART IN THE SOLUTION.  
TG: hey it would be sweet if you could like not  
TG: i already feel shitty about that  
CG: SORRY.  
CG: IT'S TRUE, THOUGH.  
TG: yeah i kno  
CG: FINALLY, THE WOMAN OF THE HOUR HERSELF. KANAYA, IF YOU WOULD.  
GA: Karkat This Is Silly  
GA: These Nice People Do Not Deserve To Be Roped Into This  
GA: It Will Achieve Nothing  
GA: Just Let Them Be  
GA: Just Let Me Be  
CG: GREAT, THANKS. IF YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SELF-PITEOUS MOPING TO DO, MAKE SURE TO DROP US A LINE. OTHERWISE, GO STICK IT IN A DIARY AND GET TO WORK HELPING ME FIX YOUR GODDAMN LIFE.  
CG: FUCK, I DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE.  
CG: THAT SAID: MEETING HAS OFFICIALLY BEEN CALLED TO ORDER, AND ATTENDANCE HAS BEEN TAKEN. ON TO THE NEXT ORDER OF BUSINESS.  
TG: k wait a second  
TG: whos keeping the minutes   
CG: WHAT?  
TG: shes right  
TG: cant have a meeting without those goddamn minutes  
TG: how are we gonna remember what shit got done the last time karkat rounded us all up and started shouting  
TG: happens pretty fuckin often i dont know if future me can handle that kind of responsibility  
CG: WOW, THAT'S A GREAT POINT.  
CG: CONSIDER: SCROLL UP ON THE FUCKING CHATLOG? PERHAPS?  
TG: dude youre the one who wants to play mock businessman here im just giving concrit  
TG: ^^  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCKING FINE. DOES ANYBODY WANT TO KEEP THE MINUTES FOR THIS GODDAMN SHITSTORM OF A CHAT?  
GA: I Will  
CG: GREAT, AWESOME, THANKS. GLAD TO GET THAT FUCKING CRITICAL POINT OF ORDER SORTED OUT. GOD FORBID WE DO ANYTHING REASONABLE WITHOUT WADING THROUGH ARMPIT-HIGH SWAMPS OF MISCELLANEOUS BULLSHITTERY FIRST.  
TG: thats what im calling my memoir  
TG: miscellaneous bullshittery  
TG: copyright rolal 2k16  
TG: well technically itd be copyright karkat  
TG: since hes the one who said it  
TG: but thats ok his memoirs probably gonna be "indiscriminate screaming" or something similar  
TG: so youre fine  
TG: k good  
CG: I'M REALLY, GENUINELY, SINCERELY GLAD YOU STRILONDES ARE HAVING A GOOD TIME OVER THERE. BUT IF AND WHEN YOU FEEL INCLINED TO JOIN THE REST OF US IN PRODUCTIVITY CITY, I WOULD BE SO FUCKING OBLIGED YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE.  
TG: i dunno man  
TG: were having a bangin time over here in the procrastination slums  
TG: whens the last time productivity government did shit for us huh  
TG: social securitys getting cut like butter with a katana  
TG: food stamps dont cover shit  
TG: gentrification is rampant  
TG: were about three inches from the anarchocapitalist revolution up in this bitch you goddamn bureaucrat  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT'S A WONDER, DAVE? MY FINGER.  
CG: AND HOW PERILOUSLY CLOSE IT HOVERS TO THE "BLOCK" BUTTON. DANGEROUSLY CLOSE. THREATENINGLY CLOSE, EVEN. SO CLOSE THAT IT WHISPERS SWEET NOTHINGS TO THE BLOCK BUTTON'S EAR BEFORE THEY GO TO SLEEP. SO CLOSE THAT IT HAS PROPOSED TO THE BLOCK BUTTON, AND THEY ARE AS WE SPEAK ENVISIONING A ROMANTIC, LAWFULLY WEDDED FUTURE TOGETHER.  
CG: IT WOULD BE A REAL SHAME IF THEY CONSUMMATED THEIR RELATIONSHIP BEFORE WE HAD THE CHANCE TO GET ANYTHING DONE, WOULDN'T IT, DAVE?  
TG: whatever i support them  
TG: if your finger wants to fuck the block button thats its business  
GA: Karkat Please  
GA: I Dont Know How To Label This On The Minutes  
CG: I AM SUDDENLY REMINDED WHY I DON'T DO GROUP PROJECTS. FUCKING INCREDIBLE.  
CG: ROXY, CONTROL YOUR COUSIN. KANAYA, STRIKE EVERYTHING DAVE HAS SAID UP TO AND INCLUDING HIS LAST LINE FROM THE MINUTES.  
CG: KARKAT, TRY TO MOVE ON WITH THIS SHITSTORM. OH, WAIT, YOU'RE ALREADY DOING THAT. GOOD JOB, KARKAT. I APPRECIATE YOU, KARKAT.  
TG: i appreciate u my guy  
CG: THANK YOU, ROXY. I APPRECIATE YOU, TOO.  
CG: WHICH MAKES AN EXCELLENT TRANSITION INTO THE NEXT PART OF THIS CONVERSATION: DISCUSSION OF THE ISSUE FOR WHICH WE ARE ASSEMBLED. I'LL LET KANAYA BRIEF YOU ON THAT PART.  
GA: Uh  
GA: I Dont Know I Am Already Doing The Minutes  
GA: That Seems Like A Little Much  
CG: SHUT UP AND TALK.  
GA: Well Ok  
GA: So You Know From Roses Blog That She And I Are  
GA: Were  
GA: Are Together  
GA: Of Sorts  
GA: In Real Life  
GA: But Uh  
GA: The Thing Is  
GA: While That Was Happening I Also Contacted Her Online When She Did Not Know Who I Was  
GA: And Uh  
GA: I May Not Have Immediately Dissuaded Her Of The Notion That My Online Presence Was Separate From The Person She Was Dating  
GA: Which Is To Say  
GA: When I Told Her It Was A Little Later Than It Should Have Been And She Felt A Tad  
GA: She  
GA: When I Told Her  
GA: Uh  
CG: IT'S OK. I'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE.  
CG: ROSE CUT OFF ALL CONTACT WITH HER, IMMEDIATELY PRECEDING HER INDEFINITE LEAVE OF ABSENCE FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD ON A VACATION TO LONG ISLAND.  
GA: She Blocked Me  
GA: And Has Not Spoken Since  
GA: It Has Been Five Days And I Am Getting  
GA:   
CG: SUFFICE IT TO SAY THAT I SERIOUSLY DOUBT EITHER OF THEM ARE IN GOOD SHAPE RIGHT NOW. I THINK ROXY CAN CONFIRM.  
TG: yea idk rosie isnt doing too hot  
TG: but i hardly ever see her so :/  
TG: wait what do you mean  
TG: shes always in her room or smthn  
TG: never comes out to do shit with mom n i  
TG: mom just thinks shes pissed that we left but i cant get her to tell me shit so i figured it was something to do with kmary  
TG: ding dong look at me hittin all thos mfuckin nails on their mfuckin heads  
CG: PRECISELY.  
CG: WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE REAL SUBJECT OF TODAY'S DISCUSSION: HOW TO GET THESE FUCKING IDIOTS TO TALK TO EACH OTHER LIKE CIVILIZED PEOPLE, INSTEAD OF ISOLATING THEMSELVES LIKE ANTISOCIAL GREMLINS AND REFUSING TO HAVE CONSTRUCTIVE CONVERSATION.  
GA: I Am Not A Gremlin  
CG: CONGRATULATIONS ON SOARING PAST THE POINT LIKE AN OLYMPIC RUNNER OVER A HURDLE.  
CG: ROXY, LISTEN UP.  
TG: ears r open wide up my guy  
CG: YOU'RE RUNNING INTERFERENCE WITH THE LALONDE PART OF THIS EQUATION. KEEP AN EYE ON WHAT SHE'S DOING, WHETHER OR NOT SHE'S ENGAGED IN ANY UNHEALTHY COPING MECHANISMS TO DEAL WITH THE REVEAL. REPORTS ARE DUE ON MY DESK EVERY SEVENTEEN HOURS.  
TG: what desk im like a zillion miles away  
TG: also why seventeen   
CG: MY METAPHORICAL DESK (SEE: INBOX), AND BECAUSE FUCK YOU, THAT'S WHY.  
CG: DAVE, YOUR JOB IS TALKING TO HER. KEEP HER OCCUPIED. SEE IF YOU CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT'S HAPPENING BEHIND THAT IMPENETRABLE CRANIUM OF HERS.  
TG: what am i the goddamn lalonde whisperer  
TG: oh yeah like cmon rose sit down on this couch and tell me how you feel about shit  
TG: yeah its not our regular dynamic but i figured its time for a changeup shoes on the other foot now psych motherfucker  
TG: i bought a book on freud and everything  
TG: id tell you how your subconscious is harboring homoerotic fantasies but literally everyone already knew that so hey looks like youre good to go  
TG: this has been the lalonde whisperer tune in at 7 for pictures of crudely drawn cigars that look like dicks and subliminal messaging  
CG: FASCINATING. IT'S LIKE YOU'RE MUTTERING UNDER YOUR BREATH. BUT IN TEXT.  
CG: FUCKING INCREDIBLE.  
CG: ANYWAY.  
CG: KANAYA, YOU AND I ARE GOING TO HAVE A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT INITIATIVE.  
CG: FROM NOW ON, I AM YOUR GOD.  
CG: YOU LISTEN TO MY FUCKING ADVICE AND TAKE IT. NONE OF THIS "I'LL JUST KEEP HER IN THE DARK FOR A LITTLE LONGER LOOK AT ME I MAKE EXCELLENT DECISIONS" BULLSHIT. YOU'VE SEEN WHERE THIS GETS US.  
GA: I Dont Know  
GA: I Think That Your Advice Is Probably Going To Involve A Lot Of Talking To Rose About Things  
GA: Which Sounds Like A Very Uncomfortable And Inadvisable Situation  
CG: REFER TO POINT A: KARKAT = GOD. KANAYA = LISTENER.  
CG: CAPICHE?  
GA: No Not Capiche  
GA: I Dont Think That She Wants To Talk To Me And Frankly I Think Ive Caused Her Enough  
GA: I Just Want To Respect Her Wishes Okay  
CG: WELL, OF COURSE NOT RIGHT *NOW*, DUMBASS. I'M NOT COMPLETELY TACTLESS.  
CG: WE'RE GOING TO WAIT A CAREFULLY ESTIMATED AMOUNT OF TIME, AND THEN APPROACH. I HAVE THIS SHIT DOWN TO A SCIENCE. DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MANY MOVIES I'VE WATCHED WHERE THIS EXACT THING HAPPENS? PLEASE.  
CG: ALSO: KANAYA, THE IDEA THAT ROSE WANTS TO CUT OFF CONTACT WITH YOU IS ABOUT AS REASONABLE AS THE IDEA THAT I WANT TO CUT OFF MY RIGHT LEG.  
TG: uh seconded  
TG: she didnt fuckin shut up about you  
GA: Really  
TG: what the fuck yeah really for someone did you miss like the entire past month of her blog  
TG: also private conversations  
TG: group chats  
TG: basically if you know rose lalonde like at all you also know how fucking hot she is for her girlfriend  
GA: Ex Girlfriend  
TG: what the fuck did you break up with her  
TG: do i have to do the honorary beating your ass shit because look you seem like a good person and im really not here for that  
TG: thats fine i am  
TG: dukes up motherfucker break her heart i break your beautiful face  
GA: My What  
TG: i said dukes up  
GA: I Did Not Break Up With Her  
GA: She Blocked Me  
GA: I Think That Sends A Sufficiently Clear Message  
TG: what thats ridiculous rose blocks me all the time  
TG: she blocked me for saying that sunrise was melodramatic trash  
TG: she loves that block button almost as much as karkats finger does  
GA: Melodramatic Trash  
GA: Are You Illiterate  
TG: nah i just have like  
TG: taste  
GA: Say That Again  
TG: nah i just have like  
CG: I WEEP FOR THE BRIEF MOMENT OF PRODUCTIVITY WE ACHIEVED BACK THERE. I NOW BID IT A TEARFUL FAREWELL AS IT FUCKS OFF INTO THE MIST, NEVER TO BE REGAINED.  
TG: taste  
GA: How Are You Even Related To Someone Like Rose  
TG: genetic lottery  
TG: i got all of the cool and she got all of the shitty taste in fiction  
TG: fuckin lie right there  
TG: you got like 50% of the cool  
TG: yeah youre right  
TG: roxy got half the cool same difference rose has none  
TG: same as dirk  
TG: dirk got some weird offshoot brand of irony that could be mistaken for cool at the right angle   
TG: m fuckin screenshotting that and sending it to him  
TG: dont you dare take credit for that shit that right there was a copyright dave strider funnyjoke  
TG: fair use motherfucker  
CG: I'M ABOUT THREE INCHES FROM BLOCKING ALL OF YOU, KANAYA INCLUDED.  
TG: you measure your temper in inches  
CG: HOW ELSE WOULD I MEASURE IT?  
TG: i  
TG: fuck man i dont know not inches thats for sure  
TG: its not like a dick youre not judged on how many inches of temper you have   
CG: AND DAVE STRIDER ONCE MORE MANAGES TO BRING THE CONVERSATION BACK AROUND TO DICKS. A CLASSIC TURNTECH MANEUVER, EXECUTED WITH FLAWLESS PRECISION.  
CG: BEHOLD MY ROUND OF METAPHORICAL APPLAUSE.  
TG: thanks  
TG: behold my metaphorical bow i guess  
TG: yeah if yall could save your weird rp foreplay shit for a private chat thatd be gr8 thx  
GA: Jesus Christ  
CG: SO HELP ME GOD, ROXY, I HAVE PORRIM'S HANDLE. I WILL NOT HESITATE TO FUCKING RUIN YOU.  
TG: o shit what is it  
TG: asking for a friend  
GA: Karkat Dont Do It  
CG: GOTHICASTRATOR.   
GA: Oh My God  
TG: ur a goddamn lifesaver  
CG: I KNOW.  
CG: ANYWAY. I THINK WE'VE FUCKED AROUND ENOUGH FOR ONE MEETING. TIME FOR ME TO REVEAL THE PLAN.  
TG: plan  
CG: THAT SURE IS A WORD I SAID THAT YOU JUST REPEATED FOR NO REASON WHATSOFUCKINGEVER.  
CG: THE PLAN, AS IT STANDS, IS THIS:  
CG: KANAYA AND I PREPARE FOR ROSE'S RETURN, WHILE ROXY SENDS UPDATES ON WHEN THAT DATE IS SUPPOSED TO BE. DAVE KEEPS IN CONTACT WITH HER, PROVIDING REPORTS ON WHAT SHE'S FEELING, IF AND WHEN SHE'LL BE RECEPTIVE TO AN APOLOGY AND IN WHAT FORM SHE WOULD LIKE IT. IF LALONDE WON'T TALK TO US, THEN WE'LL PLAN AROUND HER LIKE A CATASTROPHIC EVENT: CAREFULLY, AND WITH ATTENTION PAID TO EVERY POSSIBLE MISHAP.  
TG: lmao sounds kewl  
TG: roger roger  
CG: THANK YOU.  
CG: DAVE?  
TG: qué   
CG: AFFIRM THAT YOU ACTUALLY READ AND UNDERSTOOD THAT BLOCK OF TEXT, AND YOU'RE FREE TO GO.  
TG: you act like i couldnt leave this chat at any time  
TG: but yeah i guess  
TG: ill play freudian lalonde whisperer if thats what youve got me marked down for in this bigass plan of yours  
CG: THANKS.  
TG: np kitkat  
GA: Kitkat  
CG: KANAYA, CONTINUE THAT THOUGHT AND I'LL SEND ROSE YOUR SUNRISE FANART. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.  
GA: Consider My Suggestive Implication Hastily Rescinded  
CG: GOOD.  
CG: GLAD WE'VE SORTED THIS WHOLE THING OUT. ALL OF YOU CAN MESSAGE ME PRIVATELY IF YOU HAVE QUESTIONS; OTHERWISE, THIS MEMO IS STRICTLY RESERVED FOR GROUP NOTIFICATIONS. OPERATION SOLVE KANAYA'S FUCKUP IS OFFICIALLY INITIATED.  
CG: MEETING ADJOURNED. 

* * *

TG: so uh  
TG: hey  
GA: Uh  
GA: Hey  
TG: its roxy btw  
TG: altho i guess u knew that  
TG: bc i said my name in the chat  
TG: and also i said a bunch of other bullsthi  
TG: *bullshit  
TG: but idk since weve never been proper introduced n whatnot  
TG: thought id do the honors  
GA: All Right Then  
GA: My Name Is Kanaya Maryam  
TG: lol yeah i kno  
TG: not like a real introduction more like  
TG: u kno wat nvm   
GA: Okay  
GA: Did You Message Me For Any Particular Reason Or  
TG: i just thought that id offer an open ear i guess  
TG: bc we have kind of the same experience  
TG: w damn gorgeous nextdoor neighbors kindof dumping us n whatnot  
TG: two suckers caught up in the marylonde relationship clusterfuck  
GA: I Suppose You Are Right  
GA: But I Do Not Know What To Say  
TG: its k u dont need to spill ur guts r anythin!! m not pushy  
TG: plus u dont even rlly know me  
TG: every time we saw each other i was mackin on ur sister so  
TG: didnt ever get a chance to get acquainted  
GA: That Is True  
GA: Although I Could Say The Same  
TG: lmao yeah  
GA: Marylonde  
TG: yeah came up with it like 5 seconds ago its cool right  
TG: portmanteaus are the literal shit my dude  
GA: Not Dude  
GA: If You Please  
TG: o srry  
TG: *my friend  
TG: but i did mean to like hear out ur side of things  
TG: bc rose wont tell me shit and i only know the basics and im like wtf girl im ur sister literally spill but shes like no i am the fort knox of secrets  
GA: I Appreciate It  
GA: But There Is Not Much To It That You Do Not Already Know  
TG: ??  
GA: She Said She Loved Me  
GA: And I Was Very Excited Because I Do Too  
GA: Her That Is  
GA: Not Me  
GA: I Do Not Love Me  
GA: Wait No Not In The Self Effacing Way That Sounds Like I Hate Myself Because I Do Not As I Think I Am A Pretty Okay Person All Things Considered And Have A Decent But Not Inordinate Level Of Self Esteem  
GA: But I Am Also Not Narcissistic In That I Do Not Love Myself Romantically As Someone With Much Deeper Identity Issues Might So I Hope You Did Not Misunderstand My Comment For It Boils Down To Something Much Simpler  
GA: Okay Basically Just  
GA: I Fucking Love Rose Lalonde  
TG: yeah  
TG: yeah i got that  
TG: ur adorable  
GA: Thanks  
TG: dude ur relationship is like so simple im jealous  
GA: My Reaction To That Statement Might Be Best Described By A Long Series Of Bewildered Question Marks  
GA: Have You Not Been Paying Attention Or  
TG: right like u 2 have some shit 2 figure out asap but at least yall actually want each other and shit  
TG: ur circumstances are fucked up but ur feelings are all sorted out  
TG: im jealous  
GA: Is This A Segue Into A Conversation About Porrim  
TG: yea maybe  
TG: its just  
GA: Okay So Were Talking About Porrim Now Good To Know  
TG: idk what is even happening w us kan  
TG: like dgmw ur sister is hot as hell and even after this all shit id still probably share her bed any day of the week  
GA: Ew  
TG: but what is she fuckin thinking while im doing it thats what i need 2 kno  
GA: Probably Thoughts That Her Younger Sister Would Rather Not Be Considering Thats What  
TG: is she thinking aww yisss im getting a hella good lay from this bombass dame right here or is she thinking like hey roxy is a cool person and im glad to be getting a hella good lay from this bombass girl who id like to know better  
GA: The Images  
GA: They Do Not Stop Coming  
TG: bc shes so good!! shes so good  
TG: and when shes not being an ass shes smart and actually hella nice like if you tell her youre cold shell walk across the house to get a blanket 4 u or give u cute lil kisses all over your face when ur done w sex  
GA: Theres Another One  
GA: It Was Nice Being Able To Look Her In The Eye While It Lasted  
TG: and i like her so so much  
TG: and idk i dont want to b clingy w her but ive never had a real real gf b4 and i kinda want to and i kinda want her 2 b that  
GA: Oh  
GA: That Is Actually Rather Sweet  
TG: yea  
TG: she probs doesnt tho  
GA: Oh Oh No That Isnt Necessarily  
GA: Porrim Is Not  
GA: She Does Not Have Faith In Her Ability To Hold A Relationship Together  
GA: But She Very Much Likes You And Actually Would Likely Say Yes If You Tried To Initiate A Relationship With Her So I Would Advocate You Do That  
GA: And Then Talk All About How Wonderful The Sex Is With Somebody Else  
TG: she would??  
GA: Yes  
GA: In Fact It Is Probably Very Advisable That You Do That Since She Is A Shy Nerd And Will Not Ask You Out First For Fear Of Being Rejected  
GA: Coward  
TG: yeah well not all of us can stalk our gfs online to figure out whether shell say yes ahead of time  
GA: Ouch  
TG: too soon?  
GA: Too Soon  
TG: gotcha  
TG: well thx kmary  
TG: im kinda feeling better about this shit  
GA: I Am Glad  
GA: I Am Not  
GA: But I Am Glad You Are  
TG: rip srry about ur sitch  
TG: ill try and get rosie to talk 2 u shes prolly just brooding somewhere shell get over it soon i promise  
TG: shes a drama queen  
GA: I Know  
GA: She Is Cute Isnt She  
TG: that isnt even close to what i said  
TG: omg ur such a dork  
GA: Shut Up Only A Moment Ago You Were Raving About My Sister Giving You Postcoital Kisses  
TG: touche kmary  
TG: ill ttyl kk?  
GA: That Would Be Nice  
GA: Thank You For Reaching Out  
GA: It Was Enjoyable To Connect With A Future Sister In Law  
TG: omg  
TG: im not sure if ur being supportive or just rlly gay but either way its cute  
GA: I Was Being Optimistically Both  
TG: <3 <3 <3  
TG: bye kmart  
GA: Uh  
GA: Goodbye

* * *

TG: so im like stop being such a fucking cocktease and give it to me right  
TG: but hes all like no do it yourself you whiny ass  
TG: and im like fuck no im negative two searches away from being put on some kind of nsa watchlist im not googling your nasty ass smutfic just send me the goddamn link  
TG: but apparently hes got his panties in a knot about ruining my mental virginity with his poisonously sinful t-rated literature or something which hey spoiler warning that kind of virginity isnt even a thing and i dont even think that virginity as a concept is much more than a bizarrely arbitrary social construct but  
TG: like ive read a fic about spongebob taking some choice dick from ronald mcdonald i can guarantee you whatever youve written isnt going to affect me  
TT: I was going to let you blather yourself into satisfaction, as I usually do when you ignore my explicit desire for isolation, but the aforementioned piece of fiction aroused my interest.  
TG: i know right  
TT: Not necessarily because of the content, but because it's rare to see a portrayal of Ronald as the top.  
TG: what are you used to envisioning pillow princess micky d  
TG: looking for some variation in your clown porn nowadays lalonde  
TT: I haven't given the matter much thought. Was it an entertaining read?  
TG: yeah but the weird thing was it wasnt a piece of shit either  
TG: like the content was obviously whack but it was well written and had some pretty solid imagery at points idk  
TG: i left kudos  
TT: Of course. It's only polite.   
TG: dyou want the link  
TT: Obviously.  
TG: sweet  
TG: ill find it for you later i dont have it saved or anything for obvious reasons  
TT: Did you ever find Karkat's fanfiction?  
TG: no and im fucking pissed about it  
TG: whats a guy gotta do to get another guy to let him read his graphic slash fanfiction jesus christ  
TT: A problem for the ages.  
TT: I'll see what I can do. I have my resources.  
TG: that would be the best thanks rose  
TT: No problem.  
TG: anyway  
TT: Oh, no.  
TG: what  
TT: "Anyway." I've grown to dread it. It invariably indicates the end of a perfectly enjoyable conversation, revealing what I had believed to be a frivolous but earnest exchange to be the preface to a much more uncomfortable, bitter encounter that my fellow conversationalist felt I might not partake in if I were not first lured into the conversation with bits and pieces of a far better one.  
TG: fucks sake  
TG: what are you even afraid of its not like im gonna give you the third degree or whateverthefuck  
TT: Somehow, I suspect otherwise.  
TG: look if you wanna keep talking about clown dick im one hundred percent fine with that but i dont know  
TG: maybe i thought youd like to talk about emotional shit for once  
TG: i know its not our m.o exactly but maybe given the shitstorm with your gf we could break that trend but hey its up in the air  
TT: Are you offering to have a legit feelings talk?  
TT: Like, a real one? No irony involved.  
TG: yeah  
TG: yeah maybe sure if you wanted to   
TT: I guess so.  
TT: I'm not sure how to begin.  
TG: well this is awkward as shit  
TG: me neither  
TT: Maybe you could go first. I'd feel more comfortable if I wasn't the only one with secrets on the table.  
TG: k whatever i guess  
TG: what do you want to know  
TT: I don't know. You were the one who started this.  
TT: What about your love life?  
TG: i  
TG: okay sure wow lalonde way to go for the jugular  
TG: didnt even start with those leadup questions about my home life or emotional repression or whatever you just cut through that shit  
TT: You're trying to distract me. It won't work.  
TG: you who the fuck said anything about you im trying to distract *me*  
TG: i dont want to think about the fucking question  
TT: Why not?  
TG: its complicated  
TT: Uncomplicate it.  
TG: its not that easy  
TG: ok so like  
TG: fuck i want you to remember that im doing this for you ok lalonde  
TG: im doing this so youll feel comfortable talking about your goddamn maybe-ex-current gf and that whole shitstorm this is pure selflessness right here  
TT: Noted. Now spill your exquisitely closeted guts.  
TG: its about  
TG: well you know who its about obviously  
TT: For the sake of your dignity, I'll pretend I don't know that the subject of our conversation is an irritable, grey-texted mutual of yours.  
TG: wow thanks for that  
TG: anyway ive just been like  
TG: thinking about shit  
TG: and him  
TG: and like  
TG: things  
TT: What "things"?  
TG: rose goddammit  
TG: not all of us can just watch a movie and figure it out ok  
TG: i didnt *have* a sigourney weaver or whoeverthefuck  
TG: i dont just look at dudes and go hey fuck yea thats a type of human being i could hypothetically date look at him go i have to go through this entire cycle of thinking well hmm what im feeling probably isnt what i think it is after all dont be weird but what if it is what i think it is but its probably not but hey it could be i guess if i let it be  
TG: plus its not like i have a lot of fuckin experience with dating generally so how the fuck do i even know what that shit feels like  
TT: Have you spoken to him about this?  
TG: yeah  
TG: he doesnt know its about him but  
TG: yeah  
TT: Maybe you should tell him.  
TG: what  
TT: Worst case scenario, he's uninterested but flattered to have caused your gay awakening and helps you talk through it. Best case scenario, you get a boyfriend.  
TT: I look at this situation and see nothing but opportunity.  
TG: ok ms ive got the answers  
TG: you talk to kanaya  
TG: worst case scenario she apologizes and you two dont live out the rest of your lives in those houses being scared of looking out the goddamn window for fear of making awkward eye contact with your ex  
TG: best case scenario you keep your girlfriend   
TT: That's a vast oversimplification. Besides, I'm not yet at the point where I can logically weigh my options.  
TT: I'm still fucking mad, Dave.  
TG: yeah ok i get that  
TG: wanna talk about it anyways   
TT: No.  
TG:   
TT:   
TG:   
TT: Actually, you know what?  
TG: there it is  
TT: It wasn't just that Kanaya - or the grimAuxiliatrix, rather, as distinguished from the person I thought Kanaya was - was one of my closest friends. It wasn't just that I told her a lot of very private information. It wasn't just that I might have torn myself up over the two relationships I thought I was maintaining separately, and the feelings I was developing for both parties.  
TT: It was that I had suspected it myself, damn it.  
TT: There were moments, few and in between, where Kanaya would let slip these little things. Things that I'd never told her, that nobody but a close friend of mine would know. Or she'd be more forward than was strictly appropriate, given the amount of time we'd spent together. I viewed all of these things as signs that we were meant to be together. Like we were soulmates, or some rudimentary bullshit like that.  
TT: Only in retrospect does it occur to me how laughably childish that sounds. Soulmates. More like she was manipulating me into giving her the advice she needed to woo me perfectly, while leaving me in the dark, stumbling on like a lovelorn disaster. She read all of the posts about her; she must have seen me as a stupid besotted child. Poor Rose, stuttering along about a kiss on the cheek. Poor idiot Rose, rambling about my outfit. Poor idiot lovesick Rose, babbling about a kiss or two like it was a marriage proposal. I can't even imagine how she must have enjoyed laughing at my incompetency. Go act like you return her feelings, and then run back to see what she posted about it! It's good for a laugh.  
TG: uh  
TG: i dont think thats what she was doing  
TT: With all due respect, Dave, how would you know?  
TT: I've been reading over my posts from the beginning of our courtship, and dear God, they're sickening. I've laughed aloud at some of my turns of phrase. How would anyone fall in love with someone so blatantly obsessive and pretentious?  
TT: To peruse my record of our date is an exercise in visceral self-hatred.  
TG: cmon thats not what she was thinking and you know it  
TG: shes like batshit for you  
TT: I certainly thought so, didn't I?  
TT: But everything looks pink if you're wearing rose-colored lenses.  
TG: k but kanaya is actually legit batshit for you idgaf about your lenses  
TG: like she bought you a goddamn bouquet  
TT: With the certain knowledge that I would overanalyze every flower and try to divine some ridiculous meaning from it.   
TG: she literally made out with you like three times  
TG: even i dont go that far for irony  
TT: Don't remind me. I'd prefer not to think about how deliriously silly I was around her.   
TG: well what the fuck  
TG: youre trying to make this shit sound worse than it is  
TG: shes an anxious gay wreck who didnt think to tell you until she was sure youd be ok with it she wasnt some fuckin machiavellian mastermind trying to get you to humiliate yourself online  
TT: Have you been talking to her?  
TG: oh my god  
TG: look were in a groupchat ok its nothing big  
TT: Are you going to tell her what I said?  
TG: no  
TG: fucks sake lalonde  
TG: im your friend remember  
TT: Sorry. I'm a little paranoid at present.  
TT: You can imagine why.  
TG: yeah i can  
TG: i can also imagine that shes wrecking herself over this because i can literally see she is in the chat  
TT: What do you mean? What did she say?  
TG: she didnt actually say anything so much as stayed quiet and probably wept to herself in the background while me and rox were talking about copyright  
TG: but you could almost hear her thinking oh no when will my wife return i need to prostrate myself at her feet and beg for her forgiveness i love her so much i would literally die for her  
TG: shes sure as hell not smirking and rereading your blog posts like "haha look at this girl thinking im pretty and shit. what a goddamned rube"  
TT: Oh, great. Roxy's in the chat, too?  
TG: god fucking titshitting christ lalonde  
TG: focus on the point  
TT: Did she put you up to this?  
TG: hey hey concept: im your fucking friend and i care about your wellfuckingbeing regardless of whether or not youre a selfabsorbed ass most of the time  
TG: and i dont need someone to put me up to shit in order to do that  
TT: Sorry.  
TG: yeah you should be  
TT: Titshitting?  
TG: i was angry and i was thinking a bunch of words at once fucking sue me  
TT: No, no, it's okay. I understood what you meant.  
TT: I think I'm going to log off, though.  
TT: I need to think about things.  
TG: yeah sure i get you  
TG: just come back ok  
TG: dont like go summon the dark forces to swallow you into oblivion or whatever  
TT: There's some thinly veiled sexual innuendo I could make here, but I don't think it's worth the effort.  
TG: yeah its probably not  
TG: dont be no stranger rose  
TT: I won't.  
TT: I'll tell you if anything happens here. Which (spoiler) it probably won't. The beach is as entertaining as a bag of bricks.  
TT: And Dave?  
TG: ye  
TT: Thank you.  
TG: oh  
TG: oh yeah sure hey  
TG: its whatever


	12. Chapter 12

GA: So Am I Supposed To Offer Some Kind Of Prayer To Begin This Brainstorming Session Or Will A Mild Solicitation Work Just As Well  
CG: WHAT?  
GA: You Had Designated Yourself My God  
GA: I Was Wondering How Our New Dynamic Ought To Be Navigated And In What Manner I Should Now Address You  
GA: Your Holiness Ought To Be Sufficient I Think  
CG: OH. YEAH, NO, NEVER MIND THAT SHIT. WE BOTH KNOW I WAS BEING HYPERBOLIC FOR EFFECT.  
CG: WE CAN JUST CUT TO THE PART WHERE YOU RECONCILE YOURSELF WITH MY MORTALITY AND MOVE ON WITH THE CONVERSATION.  
GA: Okay Cool  
GA: Would It Be Convenient To Have My Crisis Of Faith In The Chat Or Privately And On My Own Time  
CG: ON YOUR OWN TIME. I'VE GOT THINGS TO DO AND PEOPLE TO YELL AT, I CAN'T ALSO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MANAGING YOUR PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS CHRIST.  
GA: All Right Then  
GA: But You Are At This Moment Managing My Relationship With Someone Else  
CG: YOU CALL IT "MANAGING." I CALL IT "WRENCHING IT FROM THE GUTTER IN WHICH YOU RECENTLY DROPPED IT."  
GA: Ouch  
CG: WHATEVER, KANAYA, I WASN'T THE ONE WHO DID IT. ANYWAY, I THINK IT'S TIME TO MAKE A PLAN. ENOUGH MOPING.  
GA: I Kind Of Thought You Spent A Lot Of Time On That In The Memo  
GA: The Plan Thing Was A Central Theme Of That Episode  
CG: SURE. BROADLY. BUT THE DEVIL'S IN THE DETAILS. BESIDES, THAT WAS MORE OF A GENERAL ORGANIZATIONS MEETING, MEANT TO INFORM EVERYBODY OF THEIR ROLES. YOU'LL NOTICE THAT NO SPECIFIC DUTIES WERE ASSIGNED THAT THE PARTICIPANTS PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN DOING ANYWAY. THE ONLY THING THAT CHANGED IS THAT NOW I'LL BE AWARE OF DEVELOPMENTS AS THEY APPEAR - NO MORE FUMBLING AROUND IN THE DARK.  
CG: I THINK WE'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THAT.  
GA: So What Am I Supposed To Do Then  
GA: Specifically  
CG: SO THERE'S THIS CRAZY STRATEGY THAT I CONCEIVED JUST NOW THAT I THINK MIGHT POSSIBLY WORK FOR YOU, ALTHOUGH YOU PROBABLY HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF IT. IT'S A REAL WILD ONE.  
CG: APOLOGIZE.  
GA: But  
CG: WILD, ISN'T IT?   
GA: Wow Karkat You Are Truly A Revolutionary In The Art Of Interpersonal Connection  
GA: Of Course I Have Thought Of That  
CG: RIGHT, OKAY, SURE. BUT HERE'S THE DIFFERENCE: YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT DOING IT. I'M TELLING YOU TO DO IT.  
CG: THEORY AND PRAXIS, MOTHERFUCKER.  
GA: Your Semantic Wordplay Does Not Change The Actuality Of The Situation  
GA: (Which Is The Real Difference Between Theory And Praxis By The Way)  
GA: She Blocked Me  
GA: Like I Told You  
GA: And Also Like She Told You  
GA: We Talked About This  
CG: I REMEMBER. BUT I'M A PROBLEM-SOLVER.  
CG: AS I SEE IT, WE HAVE TWO OPTIONS.  
GA:  
GA: Oh I Get It  
GA: This Is Where I Ask You "What Options" And Maintain The Pace Of This Socratic Dialogue You Are Trying To Maintain  
GA: Very Well  
GA: Ahem  
GA: "What Options"  
CG: YOU COULDN'T JUST LET ME ENJOY MY MOMENT?  
CG: NO. YOU KNOW WHAT, FORGET IT, NEVER MIND.  
CG: OUR FIRST OPTION IS A MUTUAL OF MINE WHO COULD PROBABLY HACK INTO HER ACCOUNT AND UNBLOCK YOU. IT WOULDN'T BE A PERMANENT THING, AND SHE COULD BLOCK YOU AGAIN JUST AS EASILY, BUT IT WOULD GIVE YOU ENOUGH TIME TO APOLOGIZE.  
CG: HOWEVER, THAT'S AN UNAPPEALING OPTION, FOR A NUMBER OF REASONS. NOT THE LEAST OF WHICH IS THAT ANOTHER INVASION OF HER PRIVACY IN THE INTERESTS FOR APOLOGIZING FOR WHAT SHE VIEWS AS A BREACH OF HER PRIVACY IN THE FIRST PLACE IS PROBABLY A PERFORMATIVE CONTRADICTION.  
CG: AND ALSO, I DON'T WANT TO BE INDEBTED TO THIS GUY, HE'S AN A22HOLE.  
GA: An A Twenty Two Hole  
CG: THE POINT, KANAYA.  
GA: Okay Well You Are Right That Does Not Sound Very Attractive At All  
GA: What Is The Second Option  
CG: MUCH SIMPLER. YOU JUST USE MY ACCOUNT.  
GA: Text Her Through Your Account  
CG: YEP. THERE IS GENIUS IN SIMPLICITY, SOMETIMES.  
CG: JUST LET HER KNOW IT'S YOU AND THEN GO FOR IT. SHE CAN ALWAYS BLOCK ME, OF COURSE, BUT IT'S OUR ONLY ALTERNATIVE AS LONG AS SHE'S ON HER VACATION TO THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE, USA.  
GA: Its Long Island  
GA: I Dont Think It Even Remotely Qualifies As The Middle Of Fucking Nowhere  
GA: Have You Ever Been To Long Island  
CG: NO, AND BEFORE YOU GET STARTED, LET ME PREEMPT YOUR ARGUMENTS WITH A GOOD-NATURED "KANAYA, I REALLY DON'T GIVE A FUCK."  
GA: Well Fine Then  
GA: You Will Remain Uneducated On The Topic Of Real Estate In And Around New York  
CG: LET ME TAKE A MOMENT TO WIPE AWAY THIS MOURNFUL TEAR.  
CG: ANYWAY. ARE YOU UP FOR IT?  
GA: Yes  
GA: I Just  
GA: What Am I Supposed To Say  
CG: DO YOU WANT ME TO WRITE YOU A SCRIPT? "HI ROSE, WHAT I DID WAS KIND OF SHITTY BUT I DIDN'T MEAN TO BE SHITTY ABOUT IT, SORRY. LET'S GO MAKE OUT IN A PATCH OF DAISIES." ???  
GA: Karkat  
GA: My Question Was Not Like That And You Know It  
CG: OKAY, THEN WHAT *WAS* IT LIKE?  
GA: I Dont Know What She Wants  
GA: Or What I Want I Suppose  
GA: The Status Quo Which Existed Prior To This Event Is One That Is Now Functionally Unattainable  
GA: I Was In A Way Maintaining Two Relationships With Her And I Have Effectively Destroyed Both  
CG: SO WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT?  
GA: I Dont Know  
GA: I Liked Both Of Them  
CG: OKAY, SO LET'S SET THIS ONE UP LIKE A FLOWCHART, THEN.  
CG: DO YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS OR GIRLFRIENDS?  
GA: Yes  
CG: DO YOU JUST NOT KNOW HOW FLOWCHARTS WORK, OR  
GA: Why Of Course You Have Found My One Weakness  
GA: Linearly Arranged Graphs  
GA: Its Not As Simple As You Set It Up To Be  
CG: ALL RIGHT.  
CG: LET'S SAY FOR A MINUTE THAT THE OPTION OF BEING "FRIENDS" CONNOTES A NON-ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP, WHEREAS "GIRLFRIENDS" IMPLIES NOT ONLY THAT YOU LIKE EACH OTHER AS FRIENDS DO, BUT ALSO THAT YOU ARE ROMANTICALLY ENGAGED. DOES THAT MAKE THE DECISION EASIER?  
GA: Could Have Done With Some Of That Framing Before The Original Question But Yes It Does  
CG: NOW WE’RE GETTING SOMEWHERE.  
CG: GOD, IT'S LIKE HERDING CATS.  
GA: How Many Cats  
CG: NO LESS THAN TWENTY. A NUMBER YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF, GIVEN THAT IT'S RIVALED ONLY BY DAVE, WHO SINGLE-HANDEDLY EQUALS AT LEAST FIFTY CATS AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT.  
GA: I See  
GA: How Often Do You Deal With Those Fifty Frisky Cats  
CG: MORE THAN IS GOOD FOR MY HEALTH, MOST CERTAINLY.  
CG: I MEAN. JESUS CHRIST.  
CG: WHEN YOU'RE GETTING TO KNOW HIM, YOU FIGURE, HEY, THIS GUY'S PRETTY COOL. DOESN'T HAVE A LOT TO SAY, KIND OF CLOSED OFF, EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE, ALL THAT JAZZ. YOU DON'T EXPECT TO HEAR MUCH FROM HIM.  
CG: BUT THEN.  
CG: THEN YOU GET TO KNOW HIM, AND HOLY SHIT, IT'S LIKE HE HAD HIS BRAIN-TO-MOUTH FILTER SURGICALLY REMOVED AS A CHILD. IN THE TIME I'VE BEEN TALKING TO YOU, HE'S SENT ME SIX MESSAGES, TWO OF WHICH CONTAIN LINKS TO WEBPAGES I'M FRANKLY AFRAID TO CHECK OUT. HIS INTERNAL MONOLOGUE IS STRANGE, LYRICAL, AND FREQUENTLY DISTURBING, WHICH I KNOW BECAUSE HE DOESN'T KEEP IT FUCKING INTERNAL. HE SENDS IT TO HIS FRIENDS AT 3:00 A.M. IN THE FORM OF TWENTY-SIX CONSECUTIVE TEXTS.  
CG: THE WORST FUCKING PART IS THAT HALF OF WHAT HE SAYS IS COHERENT AND FUCKING INSPIRING, SOME OF THE MOST PIERCING PHILOSOPHY THIS GENERATION IS EVER GOING TO PRODUCE, AND THE OTHER HALF IS INCOMPREHENSIBLE RAMBLING ON NARUTO'S SEXUALITY.  
GA: I Was Under The Impression You Enjoyed That Kind Of Conversation Though  
CG: WELL, YEAH. HE'S THE ONLY PERSON I'VE EVER MET WHO'S ACKNOWLEDGED THE COLD, HARD FACTS OF THAT SHOW.  
GA: Which Are  
CG: HE'S BI BUT STRUGGLING TO COME TO TERMS WITH IT IN CONJUNCTION WITH HIS "NINJA IDEALS," WHICH ARE A THINLY VEILED METAPHOR FOR HYPERMASCULINE HETERONORMATIVITY. OBVIOUSLY? KANAYA, WE'VE HAD THIS CONVERSATION BEFORE.  
GA: In Retrospect I Remember You Saying Something About That  
GA: I Just Put Down My Phone And Let You Send Me As Many Messages As You Wanted On The Subject Until You Tired Of It  
GA: But I Am Happy You Have Found Someone To Engage You In Such Discussions  
CG: WOW, WHAT THE FUCK. DO I HAVE TO GO OVER IT ALL AGAIN?  
GA: N O  
GA: I Am Fine Really I Dont Watch The Animes I Will Happily Accept Your Judgment On The Matter  
CG: FINE, BUT THE NEXT TIME YOU COME OVER, WE'RE MARATHONING IT AND I'M POINTING OUT THE EVIDENCE TO YOU ON AN EPISODE-BY-EPISODE BASIS.  
GA: If You Say So  
GA: Rose Was Much The Same Way Actually  
CG: ?  
GA: Well Its Just That She Appears To Be Highly Sophisticated And Inaccessible On Face  
GA: But Upon Engaging Her On A Subject That She Feels Comfortable With And Enjoys She Blossoms Into A Prolific Speaker  
GA: I Have Many Of Her Divergences Saved On My Phone  
GA: Particularly One Where She Speaks For Seven Minutes On A Piece of Fanfiction She Had Read Recently  
GA: I Will Find It  
CG: THAT'S OKAY.  
GA: You Are Probably Right  
GA: Looking At It Would Make Me Feel Worse  
CG: YEAH, THAT'S WHY.  
CG: ANYWAY, ON TO THE NEXT CONVENIENT DISTRACTION. WHICH . . . IS STILL TALKING ABOUT ROSE, ACTUALLY, BUT IN A MORE PRODUCTIVE CONTEXT. WHEN DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS?  
GA: The Apology  
CG: I COULD GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD TO THE ACCOUNT RIGHT NOW. THERE'S NO TIME LIMIT. IT'S NOT LIKE WE NEED TO WAIT UNTIL THE STARS ARE ALIGNED FOR YOU TO APOLOGIZE.  
GA: What Oh My God Not Now  
GA: I Need To Practice  
GA: I Need To Figure Out What I Am Going To Say  
CG: I MEAN. OKAY? BUT DON'T TAKE TOO LONG.  
CG: YOU FUCKED UP BY WAITING TO SPEAK LAST TIME, LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES.  
GA: It Isnt The Same But  
GA: I Wont  
GA: I Just Need Time  
GA: As Does She Probably  
CG: NOT TOO MUCH TIME.  
CG: BUT ALL RIGHT.

* * *

TG: karkat  
TG: karkat  
TG: karkat  
TG: karkat  
GA: What  
TG: hi kanaya  
TG: karkat  
TG: karkat  
GA: May I Take A Message  
TG: that depends  
TG: is he talking to you right now  
GA: No But I Would Like My Phone To Stop Buzzing  
TG: alright i guess  
TG: thought id make my daily report  
GA: Daily Report  
GA: On What  
TG: dick cheney  
TG: who do you think  
GA: Is It Rose  
TG: yeah obviously  
GA: What Happened  
GA: Or Did Anything Happen  
GA: Is She All Right  
TG: shes fine shes just taking the shit hard yknow  
TG: seemed to suggest that shed be doing some hard emogoth shit later on but only the basic stuff yknow  
TG: drawing pentacles on her face  
TG: lighting some flowers on fire  
TG: singing evanescence  
GA: Is That Normal  
TG: well she normally goes for mcr but yeah  
GA: Does She Really  
TG: cant believe you got along with her as long as you did without finding out  
GA: Goodness  
CG: I DON'T BELIEVE THERE ARE ADEQUATE WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE TO DESCRIBE THE DEEP, POTENT FEELING OF HORROR THAT DAWNS ON ONE UPON VIEWING THE NOTIFICATION "33 NEW MESSAGES."  
CG: IT STARES AT ME. TAUNTING ME. AND EVEN AS THE NUMBER GROWS HIGHER, SO TOO GROWS MY FEAR OF UNLOCKING MY DEVICE AND VIEWING WHATEVER CATASTROPHE HAS OCCURRED TO WARRANT SUCH AN ONSLAUGHT. THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE, SURELY. OR A NATURAL DISASTER CONVERGING ON MY AREA OF RESIDENCE.  
CG: BUT NOPE. JUST DAVE STRIDER, AIDED AND ABETTED BY THE NAIVE SUGGESTIONS OF KANAYA MARYAM.  
TG: karkat  
CG: HI, DAVE.  
CG: I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU WERE TRYING TO GET IN TOUCH WITH ME.  
TG: ok but i kind of told kanaya everything i was gonna tell you  
CG: INSTEAD OF REHASHING ALL OF IT, LET'S TRY AND CONDENSE.  
CG: HAS ANYTHING CHANGED SINCE THE LAST TIME YOU CHECKED IN?  
TG: nah  
TG: oh  
TG: wait a second  
CG: ??  
GA: Dave  
GA: Dave What Is Happening  
TG: shes texting me  
CG: WHAT'S SHE SAYING?  
GA: Dave  
TG: hold tf on jesus  
TG: shit  
TG: shes coming home  
CG: WHAT??  
TG: shes coming home  
TG: like right now

* * *

TG: goooood morning sleeping beauty  
TG: hows ur snoozin  
TT: Is that the past tense "hows," standing for "how was," or the present "how is," implying a fundamental misunderstanding of how states of consciousness work?  
TG: not great snoozing ok got it  
TT: I slept fine.  
TT: It was waking up that was the problem.  
TG: the ceo of hot topic came twice just from you saying that  
TG: literally pls chill  
TT: Sorry. I'm kind of recovering from an emotional ordeal, over here.  
TG: what could that be like  
TG: its a pity nobody ever went through an emotional ordeal and then pulled through and stayed positive afterward   
TT: The only thing you "pulled through" was four lanes of traffic and the fender of a 2005 Chevy.  
TG: rip  
TG: whatever im not about ur shit rn  
TG: i just wanted to know if ur coming down w me an mom today  
TG: were on the bullet train to beachville population 2  
TG: u down  
TT: Are you doing anything special?  
TG: nah  
TG: jus chillin  
TG: prolly make a bangin sand castle or 2  
TG: gonna be a hella sand castle  
TG: fuckin windsor castle of sand castles u kno  
TG: u wanna be a part of that action rosie u kno it  
TT: As interesting as it sounds, I'll take a pass.  
TG: u sure  
TG: sand castles arent the same w/o u  
TT: I'm sure.  
TT: I've got a few books to read, a few candles to keep me company. And I've got a blog post to write - I've been neglecting it for the past few days, I shouldn't procrastinate any more. It'll be a wild time, up here in my gable.  
TG: well  
TG: ok  
TG: if u say so  
TG: but if u wanna come at any time hmu  
TG: ur welcome  
TT: Thanks.

* * *

Date: June 25, 2016. Weather: Scintillating. Mood: Moodless.

I suppose one cannot neglect a blog forever, and my followers least of all deserve the extended leave of absence to which I have subjected you. There have been significant developments in my life which I am loath to discuss here and even now will not discuss. I had always assumed that nothing I could ever experience would be too personal to write about. I certainly had no problem with disclosing the private information of others. But now I find myself at that very border of comfortable exposition. As ravenous for my secrets as you may be, I cannot humor that wish. Furthermore, I find myself incapable of accurately describing what has happened. Emotional descriptions are hard to convey accurately over text. There always seems to be something missing.

So instead I will talk about what happens in the now, and hope that it is enough.

My family has left for Long Island. Today is - presumably - the last day of our stay here, as my mother has been packing her bag in what she thinks to be a surreptitious manner. I have not unpacked my bag at all the time I have been here, so it is not an issue for me. Roxy, on the other hand, seems to have completely reoriented her aura since leaving our hometown, and now greets me upon each morning with brilliant smiles and buoyant invitations to whatever mundane activity she and my mother have planned. I suspect she has bought into my mother's senseless "family bonding" ordeal. What a pity to see her succumb to inanity.

My room is walled entirely on one side by windows, through which I can see the ocean. Its rhythmic push and pull is not entirely disquieting. When I sleep, its white noise engulfs me in a manner most pleasant for meditation. Sometimes I will lose myself in staring at it, listening to it; it gives me the longed-for relief from the invasive thoughts which have pursued me since leaving New York proper. Push, pull, push, pull. In and out, scrubbing clean the corners of my mind. It is what has allowed me to write.

Even now I can see my mother and Roxy frolicking mindlessly on the beach. They have built an inordinately large sand castle and are crafting an army of sand soldiers to guard it. Their hair tangles and flutters in the wind like twin golden standards, and their laughter carries up to the open window of my bedroom. I cannot ignore them. Roxy invited me to join them. I don't know why I said no. I have hardly associated with them this past week, and now I am unsure of how to return to their company. I have never desired to be close to my mother before. But it seems now, meeting unanticipated difficulty at the prospect, her attempts at reunion which I so easily rejected a week ago are dearly missed. I'm sure they'll stop bothering to ask me to join them soon.

Do you know what's odd?

A plethora of things are odd, and you probably know at least one thing that's odd already. So that question was stupid and I expect that several of you rolled your eyes at its stupidity. I'm sorry. I am not myself.

What's odd is that I still have the bouquet. I brought it with me and keep it in a vase on my desk - for whatever reason - without water; the flowers are still colorful, although a bit worn from the journey. They seem to flourish in the sea air. I should throw them out, but I don't. Why don't I? Stupidity, I suppose. The past two weeks have demonstrated with vicious clarity how my arrogance and notions of self-importance were misplaced. I can't believe myself - flowers are worthless, ten cents for a bundle, I don't know why I keep them.

Roxy came into my room after their jaunt on the beach and informed me that we were leaving. I reacted with as much joy as I could muster. As pleasant as this habitat is, I miss my candles. And the rest of my room. And I formed a resolve: the instant I got home, I would perform that ritual which you all have been expecting. It should take my mind off things. I need to take my mind off things, and returning to my interests is just the solution.

The drive to my house is three or four hours, and over the course of it I did nothing but write. I wrote out everything I needed for the ritual, everything to perform, and then I drafted this post. Roxy shot me the occasional glance of concern, but I did not favor her inquisitive looks. I dedicated myself completely to preparation. I will dedicate myself completely to my goals. You cannot avoid your problems, but you can distract yourself, which achieves more or less the same effect.

My mother stopped twice, during which I took the time to send a message to my closer friends, informing them that I was en route home. I don't doubt that news of my arrival will soon reach those I would prefer to remain uninformed, but that can't be helped. Mutual friends and co-conspirators will inevitably tangle our paths again. I would only prefer to put off that collision for as long as possible.

I arrived home at four o'clock in the afternoon. Roxy bounded out of the car. She had acquired a tan during her leave and she moved with newfound vitality. I, to contrast, crawled sluggishly out of my seat and almost fell over trying to dismount the carriage. It was an undistinguished return for your hero. I prayed that nobody had been conveniently spying from a window or garden. I should have long since learned that I have no such luck. Or any luck at all. I am a luckless, thankless creature.

Kanaya flew out of her house like she had the hounds of hell at her heels, skirts billowing behind her like an angel's scarlet gossamer wings. Her hair was tangled and she looked to be in the middle of putting on her makeup, interrupted by my arrival. I attempted to avoid looking at her, but I failed miserably, as I usually do when I attempt such inconceivable feats. My anxiety built as she approached me with no sign of decreasing her velocity, apparently intent on trampling me. Her face was twisted into fierce anticipation. I was very confused and a little afraid.

She tackled me into a hug without so much as a word of hello. I attempted to disengage, but to no avail. Her arms tightened around my neck as if to say, "You will not be released until you return this embrace, Rose, so you might as well," and I could do nothing but concede. I put my arms around her back and squeezed a little bit and it felt nice. I for a moment forgot the past week and was sent back to our evening spent in the park, where everything was simple and good. Kanaya gives excellent hugs.

After half a minute, she seemed to remember, too, and stiffened. I took this as the sign to release her, and she let me go.

"Hello," I said quietly.

"Hi." She fiddled with her nails. I focused on them to avoid eye contact.

"I suppose you're well."

"I am."

"Right."

"And you?"

"I'm absolutely fantastic," I said, emotionlessly.

"Really?"

"Oh, yes. I've got all kinds of plans."

"Plans?"

"Rituals to conduct, questions to answer, a blog to run." I could not prevent the bitter quip that affixed itself to the end of my statement: "But then, you knew that."

"Not first-hand," she pointed out, with an equal amount of bitterness that was just as poorly repressed.

"Why would that be?" I have been informed, on occasion, that my propensity for subtextual conversations is irritating, but I can rarely stop myself.

"For God's sake," she burst out, threading her fingers through her hair. "I can't believe - a week apart, I've tried - I've rehearsed - can we talk about it? I want to talk to you, really talk to you. This isn't - this isn't talking."

"We are talking about it."

"Really," she insisted. "Talk about it like adults do. Like people do! I know we can; I don't want to have to edge around the subject - or avoid you, like I suspect you will -"

"What's there to talk about?"

"You're joking!"

"Well, say it, then," I demanded. "Say whatever you have to say. I don't have anything to say. I've said everything I need to on the matter, I don't feel the urge -"

"Don't you want to resolve anything?"

"What's to resolve?" I lifted my eyes to hers. Her eyes are pale green; I don't know if I've told you that. But they are. "Things can't. Things can't go back to what they were."

"In - in what sense?"

"In the sense that that I can't trust you," I said, and she recoiled as if I had struck her across the face.

"I - I suppose that's fair -"

"I don't know what you thought would happen. You lied to me. I don't trust - I told you this already. Go read the messages."

"I wouldn't lie to you about anything else."

"How do I know that?"

"You -" Her lip turned bright red from worrying. "You can trust me."

"I want to."

"Then do."

"Wanting something doesn't make it possible!"

"What can I do? What can I - is there anything?"

"Give me time." I chewed on my cheek. "I - you're a nice person, I think, probably, but I don't - I don't know - I'm confused - this past week has been confusing and I don't want to think about it right now."

"When will you be ready?"

"I don't know. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe never."

"People don't - people don't - move on - in a week. Do they?"

I sighed sharply. "I don't know. What do 'people' do, Kanaya?" At her expression, I added, gently, "I don't."

"Oh."

"Give me time to think," I pleaded, and then, gripping my suitcase, turned away from her and walked up the path to my house. 

She was silent for all of ten seconds before she called out to me when I was climbing the last stair to my porch. "I love you."

"You've known me for three weeks," I retorted.

"I've known you for much longer. You've only known me for three weeks, but I've known you - I've known you for years."

"That doesn't strike you as odd?" I let her speak to my back and fought back an angry laugh. 

"I've been reliably informed that you like odd things."

My hand shook on the suitcase. "Go home, Kanaya."

"I do, though," she insisted, even as I opened the door. "If you want to be angry, that's - that's all right, I don't mind, but - that's the truth, and you should know the truth."

"Wish you'd thought of that earlier," I said, and went inside.

I put away my things and sat on my bed and cried a little bit for a few hours.

How do you know if you love someone? You can't tell over three weeks. Perhaps she does feel the way she professes to, and if so, it's flattering. But it's because of her unannounced observances of my life from afar years before I knew her. And her refusal to disclose that fact is . . . troubling.

But she was not lying when she said she loved me; that is something.

Why would she lie?

* * *

TT: Dave?  
TG: whats up  
TT:  
TT:  
TT:  
TT: Never mind.


	13. Chapter 13

tentacleTherapist [TT ] unblocked  grimAuxiliatrix [GA]   
GA: Oh   
GA: Thank You   
GA: I Mean   
GA: Hi   
TT: My enforced silence up to this point has been childish. It's not like it prevents contact to any significant degree, anyway.    
GA: I Agree  
GA: I Mean I Agree In That Blocking Me Did Not Prevent Interactions Between Us  
GA: Not In The Way That Sounds Like I Am Calling You Childish  
TT: Right. Yeah, I got that.  
Anyway, now that that's out of the way, on to business.  
I'd like to ask that you don't re-follow my blog.  
GA: Oh  
TT: I mean, I'm sure you understand why.  
GA: Yes  
TT: It's a matter of comfort. For me.  
GA: Yes I Understand That  
TT: And if you want, I'll stop talking about you on it. I understand that what I said and did was a gross breach of privacy and was inexcusable on multiple counts. Say the word and it's finished.  
GA: That Is Okay  
GA: I Mean  
GA: Pretty Much Nobody I Know Follows You  
GA: So It Does Not Bother Me  
TT: All right. I appreciate your leniency on this matter.  
GA: Right  
TT:   
TT: Are you okay?  
GA: Yeah  
TT: Is something wrong?  
GA: No  
TT:   
TT: Okay.  
GA: Thank You For Unblocking Me  
TT: No problem.  
GA:   
TT:   
GA:   
TT:   
GA: Talk To You Later Then  
GA: Rose  
TT: Yes, perhaps later.  
TT: Goodbye.

* * *

Date: July 1, 2016. Weather: Penumbral. Mood: The same.

News:

Today is that day which you and I have anticipated. There will be no more sentimental abuse of this forum as an avenue for my own gross excess of emotional claptrap; there will be no more heartfelt extrapolations on conceptual nonsenses. I will deliver on what I promised you a month ago. I will reach for the brink of reality and either rip back the veil separating the Other from Us, or grasp blindly into empty space, and feel the void of it pulse at me. Perseverance, I believe, in the face of distress is the solvency of all great minds. You need not fear for my wellbeing, emotionally speaking, though. After a period of infidelity, I have once more been married to my work, and we are again the best of friends and lovers. She, a forgiving lover, is gracious in accepting me back into her embrace, and we, holding each other, plunge ever forward into the world of the spiritual.

All this is to say that I am at last ready to perform the Grand Ritual, and you are all so lucky as to witness my live reports of the venture.

The ritual itself, which I will at last freely disclose to you, is meant to summon the spirits that may haunt or linger in an area. I don't know how effective it will be. As you know, I'm not much of one for necromancy. I don't believe in it, most of the time, and I find it to be claptrap and nonsense when people claim to have reanimated lost loved ones. You cannot wrench the departed back from whence they have departed for. The dead are dead. They sleep well in their earned peace. I do not seek to disturb that rest for anyone.

But I might like to speak to them; I am sure that such a minor infringement would not impede their wellbeing. And who would not be curious to ask questions about the afterlife? Imagine the kind of insight I could gain into spiritual forces if someone intimately connected to said forces were ready and willing to answer my questions. As I am a cautious witch, I will not summon a very powerful spirit at first. Such would be folly. I am not foolish, most of the time. Instead, I will summon a small one; one lacking in much power, but with enough energy to linger in the location of its expiration. 

It must also be a familiar spirit you are summoning, in order to correctly perform the summoning, and so there was only one candidate I could imagine for such an undertaking. Only one whom I could seek to draw back to me and trust in their amiability to such a plan. Only one whom, I presume, is out there waiting for my call, and has since their death been waiting patiently for me to draw them back into my arms.

I have not seen Jaspers in such a long time. 

The ceremony requires a symbol to be drawn on the floor where I plan to summon, which I have done in white chalk. At the risk of subverting cliche, it is not a pentagram, but some kind of spirograph. It was very difficult to draw and one of my circles is lopsided. It will do.

Next, candles placed at the four cardinal directions; this I do with my beloved lavender, measuring with exacting detail how long they should burn and how early to light them to ensure they are going strong during the procedurals. They burn now, all of them, and fill the room with a light, pleasant smoke; the air is a bit difficult to breathe, but not terribly so, or to the point that I am hampered from continuing the proceedings.

At the center of the diagram, finally, there is the tribute, which must be burned and the ashes scattered to complete the summoning. The instructions were vague on what the tribute ought to contain, so Jasper's includes a few pictures, one of his old collars, and his feeding dish. I stole all of these from our storage closet when my mother wasn't looking. It was difficult. Progress invariably is.

I will not be taking questions today, as you might imagine, because the matter at hand is devouring my attention like a starving animal and I could not give your inquiries the insight they deserve. Furthermore, the vast majority of them have been intrusions into the workings of my social life, which, although flattering, is an irritation at best. I don't mean to be snobbish. But I feel as though I have talked enough about my relationships or lack thereof, and ought not burden you further with needless tangents on the status of my romantic pursuits.

If you really insist on getting the ""DL"" on my family's life, one might consider Roxy's blog, even. Roxy has been writing incessantly since we arrived home, and I've stopped trying to keep up with her pages and pages of trite emotionality. Every other word is "Maryam," or some subcategory thereof. I miss the days when all of her posts were about her favorite wizard story of the week, or gifsets about some new hobby of hers. It appears reconciling with her not-girlfriend has improved both her spirits and her productivity considerably.

Having written that, I now realize that I should probably elaborate. A few days after returning home, Roxy, in some fit of determination to fix her relationship woes that I now recognize as blind recklessness, marched over to the Maryam household and did not return for a grand total of five hours. When she at last deposited herself on our doorstep, vigorously mussed and thoroughly happy, it was almost nine o'clock in the evening. I was all too aware of the implications of her joy.

For what it's worth, Porrim, I wish you every happiness. Treat her wrong and I'll break your kneecaps, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

But undeniably it has resulted in Roxy being insufferably romantic. I do not mean in the sense that she flaunts her newfound relationship status. That I could peacefully endure without much disappointment, for what should I care that she is happy? I can derive only delight from the upward trends of my sister's fortune, just as she can derive naught but the aforementioned from my success. It is her insistence on aiding others to do as she has done that irritates me. She seems to believe that her success with one Maryam guarantees the welfare of the success of yet another, drastically different Lalonde-Maryam allegiance, and one in which she has no business meddling. Because she is my sister, I permit this insufferable nosiness. If she were any other person on the face of this planet, I would not for a moment tolerate it.

For example. She has taken to orchestrating meetings between Kanaya and myself, as if it is only coincidence which keeps our paths from crossing. When departing for violin lessons, we always "happen" to stumble across the Maryams, working together in the garden, and consequently, there is absolutely nothing to do but for Roxy to bound across the yard and embrace her girlfriend wholeheartedly; and in the process, alienate both Kanaya and myself. Or yesterday, when she accidentally - accidentally, at least, only in the sense that it is impossible to prove intent - left her hairbrush at Porrim's, and she was simply too terrified to walk the fifty feet across our yards alone after dark. The delight on her face when Kanaya answered the door was too palpable not to be the result of planning for just such an incident, and I was disgusted at her treachery.

Kanaya seemed precious little more pleased to see me than I was her; she was wearing a thin nightgown, and upon seeing us almost screamed, scrambled for a robe, and flung it over herself in all haste. I was tempted to console her - the nightgown was quite lovely - but restrained from doing so. I told Roxy to find her hairbrush quickly and waited on the porch in what I hoped was a silence characterized not by sullenness, but by sophisticated nonchalance. Given my track record with sophisticated nonchalance, I suspect it was in all probability the former. 

Kanaya did not speak to me. I did not speak to Kanaya. We stared at each other interminably for a few minutes, and then looked away tastefully; cast side glances at each other when we suspected the other not to be looking; scuffed at the ground with our shoes; and cleared our throats a joint total of seven times. Roxy came back after what must have been twenty minutes and gazed upon our awkward state in dismay.

"Sorry to have taken so long," she said, although she obviously wasn't. Kanaya nodded graciously, forgiving her, as Kanaya is not the kind to hold petty grudges. "What'd you talk about?"

"Nothing," said Kanaya.

"C'mon, you can tell me."

"She's not lying," I said irritably. "We said nothing. We talked about nothing."

"Jesus, really?" Her face fell. "Nothing? For twenty minutes?"

"Ghastly, considering it was all for want of a hairbrush. Let's go." I made to leave, but Roxy grabbed my collar and hauled me back into the house.

"Be polite, Rose, goddamn."

"What do you want me to say?"

"God's sake. Thanks, Kan," she said, addressing Kanaya. "Sorry about this."

"It's all right."

"Should've left her at home, she's pissy when she's tired."

"As I am," she said, and I was grateful for her decency in the face of my sister's abominable manners.

"Anyway. Catch you later." She waved and then started off the porch. I shrugged off her demeaning grip on my collar and waited until she was out of earshot, glaring at her as best I could without seeming petty. I think I seemed petty anyway, but Kanaya seemed not to care.

"Rose?" She was soft, inquisitive. Her voice was permeated by uncertainty.

"Yeah," I said. "Uh."

"Did you have something you wanted to say?"

"No," I said, but remained frozen in place.

"Ah." She was confused. So was I. There were things that needed to be said, I believe, but I had not the heart to say them.

"I think," I began. "I want."

"Yes?"

"I like your nightgown."

"Oh. Thank you."

"Yeah. It's very pretty."

"Thank you." She started, as if someone had pricked her between the shoulder blades with a needle. "Oh! Your - your dress is finished."

"My dress?"

"The - the one based on Complacency," she hedged. "I, ah - I have finished it."

"Oh. Thanks."

"Yes."

Another heavy silence, in which she fiddled with her nails and I examined her fingers as she did so. 

"Would you like to see it?"

"No. I mean, not tonight. At some point. Maybe."

"Right. Tell me when."

"I will." A few moments slipped past like sand grains inching through an hourglass. "I unblocked you."

"Yes, I saw."

"I thought it was time."

"I have not read your blog," she said. "I respected your wishes."

"I haven't updated it recently. I should."

"I am sure your followers would like that," she said carefully, and then, pulling her robe tighter about herself, "I would like to go to sleep, now, Rose, if you are amenable."

"Oh. God, yes, I'm sorry. I shouldn't keep you down here. Goodbye." I left as quickly as I could without seeming rude. I likely still seemed rude. I expect she's used to it, though.

"Goodbye," she called, but I did not wait to see her say it. I sprinted across my lawn and flung myself through the front door, waiting until I had locked it well and thoroughly to wring my hands.

At any rate, such are the conniving plots and schemes of my sister, and you can well see how unsuccessful they are. Imagine the audacity to attempt and manage someone else's relationship. Especially one which - as is evident to anyone capable of reading the previous conversation - is bedecked with emotional baggage and unsuitable for my sister's management, at this particular point in time. Obviously, the whole topic is just as uncomfortable for Kanaya as it is for me. We would be best suited not to dwell

But I digress.

You do not come here to learn about my emotional state. I will cease blathering and move on to the nitty gritty of this post, i.e., the eldritch summoning.

It's been hard to get the tribute to burn, as the collar is made of a very stiff material that does not catch easily. I am beginning to worry of the time. It is late, and the ritual, as per instruction, must be performed before sunrise. (I suspected at first that this was only an unnecessary adornment, meant to increase the tension of the scene, but even now I realize the folly inherent in tampering with ritual instructions. Even if it is extraneous, that is no reason to neglect the rule. The consequences of getting it wrong are too grave.) There is an unreasonable amount of smoke in this room from the four candles and the tribute. I am beginning to think it might have been a better idea to perform this outside, or at the very least in a larger room. My room is not well ventilated. But hindsight makes everyone eagle-eyed, and I will not waste time cursing the might-have-beens and should-have-dones. That is not how progress is forged.

I went to open the window five minutes ago in an attempt to air out the room, which has succeeded, to an extent, though clouds of smoke still gather around the ceiling and creep downwards as the candle flames burn on. While there, I noticed that Kanaya's window was, too, open, and could not resist from gandering at it. I am ashamed to admit this dawdling, but it could not be helped.

She came to the window while I was there and I watched her. She seemed busy with some trunk or wardrobe in the corner of the room and brought her within view of me, or at least, brought the back of her head within view of me. I wondered what she was doing. She moved industriously. I was sure while watching that she had something on her mind, and that she was intent upon her purpose - incapable of being distracted, and certainly incapable of distraction by anything so petty as flighty physical attraction. She is a woman of caliber, after all, dedicated to her goals and capable of accomplishing them.

May I ramble for a moment? I will be quick.

To think about a woman like Kanaya in the way I do - to write about her, rather, in the way I do, which is to say, as a few of you have pointed out, in a manner that might be considered extravagant and flattering - seems not unreasonable, when you consider my perspective. Even after our breakup (or whatever it was that has resulted in our current state of correspondence), she is no less who she was before it. And that person - that is to say, the person she is now - is an excellent one. One with her faults, of course, and one with whom my current relationship is strained, because of mistakes made in our past. But I think no less of her. Shame on ye who would believe such sacrilege of I, your humble servant and scribe. I would no less appreciate Shakespeare if history revealed him to be a liar; I would no less admire the paintings of Claude Monet if he had painted under a pseudonym. If flaw maketh art ever more beautiful, made more beautiful by flaw, then, is she. 

Thus ends my ramble.

I am grateful for your patience.

I left the window after she disappeared into her room, having nothing left to spectate, and sit here finishing my last blog post before I attempt to revive my small friend. I admit that my longing for Jaspers may be motivated by a pinch of loneliness. It is nice to have an animal to comfort you when human hands seek only to correct and conceal your distress. Does this aid my determination? Perhaps; perhaps I only want a stalwart companion in whom I can trust completely, without doubting his sincerity. Pets, lacking the capacity for complex thought, are completely trustworthy. They have not the intelligence to betray you.

So ends this period of my life. I look forward to what I shall do after the success or failure of this ritual; whatever it is, it shall be marvelous, I am sure.

I am going to light the tribute, and thereafter begin my incantations. If you would be as kind as to wait for one mome

* * *

GA: Hi Karkat  
GA: Are You Available  
CG: MORE OR LESS.  
GA: Well  
GA: Which Is It  
CG: I HAVE TIME FOR YOU, PUT IT THAT WAY.  
CG: WHAT'S UP?  
GA: Things Are Not  
GA: Good  
GA: Or Up  
GA: Or   
GA: Well  
CG: HOLD ON, HOLD ON. START FROM THE BEGINNING.  
CG: WHAT HAPPENED SINCE WE LAST SPOKE?  
GA: She Unblocked Me   
GA: But She Does Not Want Me Reading Her Blog  
CG: OH, SHIT.  
GA: And Today Has Not Been A Very Good Day Generally  
GA: This Morning Was  
GA: Dysphoric  
GA: So That Was Something That Happened  
GA: This Morning  
GA: It Was Unpleasant  
GA: And As Of Yet I Have Not Dressed Myself  
GA: Which Is Probably Not Helping The Issue Actually  
CG: THEN GET DRESSED.  
CG: THAT HELPS, RIGHT?  
GA: That Requires Looking In The Mirror Though  
GA: Which Also Does Not Help The Issue  
CG: THEN DRESS WITHOUT LOOKING.  
CG: I DON'T PRETEND TO KNOW YOU BETTER THAN YOU DO, BUT YOU'RE A LOT CHEERIER AFTER YOU'RE WEARING SOMETHING YOU LIKE.  
CG: NOTHING IS GOING TO GET BETTER UNLESS YOU GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED. THOSE ARE MY ORDERS AS YOUR LIFE MANAGER.  
GA: All Right  
GA: Fine  
GA: In A Few Minutes  
CG: KANAYA.  
GA: It Is Hard Karkat  
GA: This Is Hard  
GA: Let Me Do It On My Own Time  
CG: OKAY, YEAH, OKAY. SORRY.  
CG: ANYWAY, WHAT HAPPENED WITH ROSE?  
GA: She Said She Was Uncomfortable With Me Reading Her Blog  
GA: And Respectfully Asked That After She Unblocked Me I Would Not Follow Her Again  
CG: AND YOU AGREED, RIGHT?  
GA: Of Course  
GA: I Would Not Violate Her Privacy Like That  
GA: I Just  
CG: WHAT?  
GA: I Am Worried About Her  
GA: She Seems Distant  
GA: And I Do Not Know What She Is Doing Now That I Am Not As Close With Her As I Used To Be  
GA: How She Is Handling Things  
GA: Whether She Is Benefiting From My Absence Or Suffering From It  
GA: Frankly I Do Not Know Which Is Worse  
CG: YOU DON'T WANT HER TO BE MISERABLE, THOUGH, RIGHT?  
GA: Of Course Not  
GA: I Want Her To Be Happy  
GA: But I Do Not Want Her To Be Happy Because Of My Absence From Her Life  
CG: THAT MAKES SENSE.  
CG: DO YOU WANT ME TO TALK TO HER?  
GA: Although I Appreciate Your Initiative Karkat  
GA: There Are Some Problems That You Cannot Solve For Me  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: YEAH, I KNOW.

* * *

TG: heeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy are yall up   
GA: Yes  
GA: Are You Trying To Speak With Karkat Again Because If So There Is A Private Messaging System That Remains Perfectly Functional  
TG: nah nah this is totes for the good of the order  
TG: this is some primetime shit for the order my friens  
TG: this is the order about to receive the best dick of its life after a 2yr dry spell  
TG: thats how good this shit is for the order  
TG: im intrigued  
TG: knew it  
TG: see dave knows whatsup  
GA: Statistically Dave Is More Likely To Agree And Encourage Your Tangential Monologuing Than Any Other Member Of This Chat  
GA: So I Am Inclined To Say That Your Affirmation Of His Intelligence Vis A Vis His Interest In Your Story Does Not Say Much For The Relevancy Of The Information You May Or May Not Be Bringing To The Table  
TG: i appreciate your quirk and all but im sorry that like a fuckton too many words to read without punctuation  
GA: You Dont Punctuate Either Dave  
TG: yeah but i compensate by talking fast  
TG: and being trigger happy with that send button  
TG: if youre not gonna punctuate have the goddamn decency to double text at least  
TG: hehe  
TG: trigger happy  
TG: the fuck that wasnt even mildly lewd  
TG: that was a stretch and you know it  
TG: whatever u know u laughed  
TG: thats a terrible standard i laugh at all dick jokes  
TG: all dick jokes are created equal motherfucker  
GA: Are They Though  
TG: hell ye  
TG: its like the goddamn declaration of independence up in this bitch  
TG: we hold these truths to be self evident  
TG: that all dicks are created equal  
TG: that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights  
TG: that among these are life liberty and the pursuit of bjs  
TG: that to secure these rights goverments are instituted among dickhavers  
TG: deriving their just powers from the consent of the cocks  
TG: screenshot  
TG: screenshot  
TG: screenshot the everlovin fuck outta that im fucking crying  
GA: I Am Mildly Disturbed  
GA: I Feel That Should Be Made Clear  
TG: whatever  
TG: im an artist  
TG: do the whole thing  
TG: go go go  
TG: then the constitution  
TG: im not a circus pony  
TG: you wanna write a political manifesto about dicks do it your goddamn self lalonde jesus christ  
TG: mebbe i fuckin will  
TG: how about that  
TG: send it to me after youre done  
TG: obvi  
CG: GOD FUCKING DAMNIT.  
TG: karkat hi  
CG: INSERT ENRAGED RANT ABOUT YOUR FUCKING AROUND IN THE GROUPCHAT, THE ONE I SPECIFICALLY MANDATED TO BE ONLY ABOUT LALONDE-MARYAM BUSINESS, DESPITE THE EXISTENCE OF THE FUNCTION TO CREATING ANOTHER GROUPCHAT WITHOUT ME IN IT, YADDA YADDA YADDA.  
CG: I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY.  
TG: whats up w that  
CG: GREAT IDEA, DAVE, LET'S HAVE A BIG FUCKING SAPPY FEELINGS PARTY SMACK DAB WITHIN WITNESS OF TWO OF OUR CLOSEST FRIENDS. BRILLIANT CONCEPT.  
TG: k conceded  
CG: GOOD.  
CG: ROXY, I THINK THAT AT SOME POINT YOU WHISPERED SOMETHING ABOUT PRODUCTIVITY? IT HOPE IT WASN'T JUST WISHFUL HALLUCINATION ON MY BEHALF.  
TG: o yea  
TG: yea it was p much just an update about uknohu  
GA: Uknohu  
TG: yea i do  
TG: ;)  
TG: its you know who kanaya  
GA: Me  
TG: no  
GA: Who  
TG: uno  
GA: One  
TG: sí  
GA: What  
TG: no  
TG: y-o-u k-n-o-w w-h-o  
GA: I Do  
TG: yes  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked turntechGodhead [TG]  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked grimAuxiliatrix [GA]  
carcinogeneticist [CG] unblocked tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  
carcinogeneticist [CG] unblocked turntechGodhead [TG]  
carcinogeneticist [CG] unblocked grimAuxiliatrix [GA]  
CG: LET THAT BE A WARNING TO ALL OF YOU IN THE FUTURE, SHOULD YOU SUSPECT YOURSELVES TO BE ANYWHERE NEAR THE VICINITY OF FUCKING AROUND.  
CG: THE BLOCK BUTTON AND MY FINGER HAVE HAPPILY CONSUMMATED THEIR RELATIONSHIP, AND ARE NOT AFRAID TO DO SO AGAIN, REPEATEDLY, AT THE SLIGHTEST PROVOCATION. THEY ARE IN A COMMITTED SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP AND WILL NOT HESITATE TO ENGAGE UPON ANYONE SUGGESTING EVEN THE NOTION OF FUCKING AROUND.  
CG: IS THAT CLEAR.  
TG: think that metaphor got away from you a lil bit  
CG: YEAH, PROBABLY.  
TG: like your fingers sex life isnt something that should be the subject of metaphor generally  
TG: let alone like  
TG: its committed relationship with another inanimate object  
TG: like im not saying you havent had a lot of good lines but that one could use some work yknow  
CG: THANKS FOR THE NOTES. I'LL WORK ON THAT.  
CG: ROXY, I'M BEGGING YOU. DO YOU HAVE RELEVANT INFORMATION TO SHARE WITH THE GROUP? I'VE INVESTED TOO MUCH TIME AND ENERGY INTO THIS CHAT FOR IT TO BE WASTED.  
TG: ok  
TG: spoilers its about rose  
GA: Are You Kidding Me  
GA: You Couldnt Have Just Said Rose  
GA: Was That So Difficult  
TG: yeah but we were doing a bit  
TG: anyway  
TG: shes apparently doing some kind of arcane shit in her bedroom  
TG: idek whats going on  
TG: ive tried talking but shes not down for it so  
TG: i mean dave if u wanna try but   
TG: we talked earlier  
TG: she seemed quieter than usual but not like  
TG: really bothered i dont think  
CG: DOING ARCANE SHIT IN HER BEDROOM, ACTING MOODY, PROJECTING AN AIR OF MYSTERY? THAT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE ABNORMAL BEHAVIOR FOR ROSE.  
GA: What Ritual  
CG: WHAT? WHY WOULD THAT EVEN BE KIND OF RELEVANT?  
TG: summoning shit maybe  
TG: she stole some of our cats old collars when she thought i wasnt looking so thats def creepy  
TG: but who even cares its not like she can do anything with em  
GA: Rose Is Very Dedicated To Her Spirituality  
GA: I Would Not So Quickly Dismiss The Lengths To Which She Will Go To Achieve Results  
TG: k but like  
TG: theres nothing that she can do atm  
GA: Underestimating Rose Lalonde Rarely Yields Desirable Results  
GA: Please Check On Her  
GA: If You Can  
TG: sure aight  
TG: was gonna soon anyway weve got dinner in 5 and shes sposed to help  
TG: fuckin teenage emogoths too cool for family bonding time  
TG: too cool to slave over a pot of cauliflower toast soup  
TG: too cool to grate cheese with their bone saw like the elders did  
TG: too cool to salt their milk and set the table themselves oho yes i see  
TG: salt  
CG: SALT? THAT'S WHAT YOU OBJECT TO, OUT OF ALL OF THAT? FUCKING "SALT"?  
TG: salts what makes it spicy  
TG: bone ample teat  
TG: :D  
GA: What  
GA: Bone  
GA: What  
TG: dont worry about it  
CG: FUCKING HELL.  
TG: brb checking on rose  
GA: All Right  
GA: Please Be Back Promptly  
GA:   
GA:  
GA: Roxy Are You There  
TG: alkshgih;oih24qr0-  
TG: what  
CG: ROXY?  
GA: Roxy  
GA: What Was That  
TG: iht  
TG: shihtas  
TG: fuck  
TG: fuck fuck fuck  
GA: Roxy What Is Going On  
GA: Roxy  
GA: Please  
TG: dont have time 2 alk  
TG: talk  
TG: g2g  
TG: moms calling an ambulance  
TG: were going to the hospital  
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] is an idle chum!  
GA: What No No No What Happened  
GA: Roxy  
GA: Roxy


	14. Chapter 14

CG: ARE YOU OKAY?   
CG: DON'T BE DEAD.   
CG: PICK UP YOUR PHONE, ANSWER SOMEONE. KANAYA'S GOING OUT OF HER MIND.   
CG: IF YOU'RE DEAD, LALONDE, SO HELP ME GOD I'LL RESURRECT YOU IN ORDER TO FUCKING KILL YOU PROPERLY MYSELF.   
CG: ANSWER.  
CG: PLEASE, ROSE.

* * *

GA: Are yo+u all right?  
GA: Ro+xy to+ld me yo+u were at the ho+spital?  
GA: Yo+u better no+t be dead.  
GA: Lalo+nde? Yo+u hear me?  
GA: Yo+u better fucking be o+kay, Ro+se.

* * *

GA: Rose  
GA: Rose Please  
GA: There Are So Many Things That I  
GA: That We  
GA: You Must Be All Right  
GA: You Must Answer Me  
GA: Are You There  
GA: Rose

* * *

TG: rose elizabeth lavinia motherfucking lalonde  
TG: pick up your phone  
TG: rose i swear to fucking god  
TG: if youre  
TG: if youre hurt or  
TG: or dead or  
TG: something  
TG: ill fucking play evanescence at your goddamn funeral  
TG: i mean the hardcore 2005 era shit  
TG: at 2x speed  
TG: were talking my immortal ok  
TG: itll be embarrassing as fuck  
TG: you wouldnt want that  
TG: at your own goddamn funeral  
TG: it would ruin the aesthetic  
TG: that how you want to be remembered lalonde  
TG: by your shitty basic emogoth aesthetic  
TG: just  
TG: fucking christ pick up your phone  
TG: cmon  
TG: im just fucking with you  
TG: just say something  
TG: roxy hasnt answered apparently shes having a fuckin heart attack or something so youve gotta  
TG: i cant leave rn i dont have a goddamn car otherwise id be on my way but  
TG: you have to  
TG: youve got to  
TG: just  
TG: be all right  
TG: idk if that even makes sense  
TG: right  
TG: like  
TG: thats a thing  
TG: you absolutely need to be  
TG: idgaf what you think its just  
TG: a thing i need you to be  
TG: okay  
TG: okay lalonde  
TT: Okay.  
TG: oh my motherfucking assbanging god lalonde  
TG: where the fuck were you  
TT: Unconscious, for the most part, with brief periods of consciousness characterized by extreme pain.  
TG: what happened  
TT: This is embarrassing.  
TT: Did you read the most recent post?  
TG: you mean the one where it cut off in the middle of a word like some weird avante garde fiction bullshit  
TG: yeah i read it  
TG: i just figured you were experimenting with literature or someshit not that you were fucking hurt  
TT: I'm not.  
TT: Really.  
TT: I mean, a little smoke inhalation, but what's that? My lungs will be fine.  
TG: smoke inhalation what  
TT: *sigh.*  
TT: I had about five separate sources of flame going at once, and the smoke became thick. Even after opening the window, I could hardly breathe. Eventually, in my idiocy, I passed out. In so doing I knocked over one of the candles, and set fire to my rug.  
TG: what the fuck  
TG: are you ok  
TT: I told you I was fine.  
TG: the thing is  
TG: you have a tendency to bullshit stuff like that  
TG: when youre talking to me especially  
TG: so like  
TG: just this once dont lie about it ok  
TG: are you ok  
TT: Well, I don't think I'm lying. They won't let me out of the hospital because apparently I still need an oxygen tank - I've got this ridiculous pair of tubes up my nose - but I don't feel ill.  
TG: thats as honest as i could ask for i guess  
TG: why didnt you get rid of a few fucking candles jesus christ  
TT: It was part of the ceremony.  
TG: oh gosh diddly dang if it was part of the ceremony then golly rose that must make it ok  
TG: seriously what the fuck  
TT: It was to summon Jaspers. I didn't think it was getting out of control, I really didn't.  
TG: thats the thing  
TG: you never think its getting out of control until it is  
TG: thats rose for you  
TT: I'd been preparing for this for weeks. I couldn't call it all off because of a little smoke, that would have been insensible.  
TG: that was some of the worst reasoning ive ever had to process and you know it  
TT: All right, fair. But I wasn't thinking as clearly as I am now, with the benefit of hindsight.  
TT: Things over the past month have been difficult enough as to impel me to anything that could grant me a measure of control over my circumstances. Of late, I have been feeling inordinately helpless. And perhaps I thought that in summoning Jaspers, I could exert some force over the universe in general.  
TT: What a fool I was.  
TG: what was that  
TG: could you repeat that  
TG: idk if i got that correctly maybe you should say it again  
TT: Screenshot the line if you really want to preserve a confession of my own idiocy, Dave, I won't do the work for you.  
TT: And anyway, I'm trying to explain myself here. Cousin to cousin.  
TG: yeah yeah ok  
TG: i guess i feel you  
TG: as in ive got no fucking clue why some arcane ritual would make you feel better about your love life and i think its a little fucking stupid to be honest but i guess your reasoning sounds more or less ok  
TT: As long as we're clear.  
TG: did it work  
TT: Strangely enough, no. I don't feel all that better about my love life now that I've attempted to summon an old pet from the dead. Strange how that consequence is obvious in retrospect but was inconceivable to me before the attempt.  
TG: well ok i figured that   
TG: did you actually get the cat back though  
TT: Oh. No, that didn't happen.  
TT: I don't think the ritual works, actually. Even if you did it in a high-ceilinged room.  
TT: After all, Jaspers is peacefully gone and buried, and was mourned well. He wouldn't have any reason to hang around on the physical plane.  
TT: And I may have gone a little overboard with the "arcane witchcraft" schtick. Although magic is still of deep interest to me and is something with which I wish to acquaint myself further, that particular brand of the supernatural is likelier something best left in fiction. I let my dreams of being a fictionalized wizard distort my perspective on reality.  
TT: And now I'm in a hospital.  
TT: So that's that, I guess.  
TG: yeah  
TG: i mean not to salt the wound or anything but  
TG: that was pretty dumb  
TT: Strangely enough, prefacing a statement with "not to salt the wound" does not make the spice you are rubbing copiously into my arm any less abrasive.  
TT: Can we cease with the flagellation and move on to the constructive portion of this friendly feelingchat? I'm looking forward to that bit.  
TG: what constructive bit were still not past the part where you almost fucking die because you cant get your life under control  
TG: and yeah im still not over you almost giving me a heart attack  
TT: Me, giving you a heart attack? That's almost sweet, Dave.  
TG: yeah its really adorable sweet gooey not our usual whateverthefuck i dont even care  
TG: i thought you were fucking dead or some shit  
TG: that feels like shit  
TG: i was thinking like  
TG: fuck what am i gonna do  
TG: like realistically nothing right  
TG: not like you dying is gonna deprive me of like a house or home or food or someshit like id still survive  
TG: id be ok  
TG: theoretically  
TG: probably watch a couple lifetime specials eat ice cream get a pep talk from will smith have a crisis of sexuality  
TG: actually start thinking about shit reevaluate my self worth and then get my life together  
TG: dedicate a track in your honor and then boom credits  
TG: but that isnt the way it works  
TG: i didnt think about that at all  
TG: i didnt know what id do  
TG: that wasnt even a future i could conceivably plan out  
TG: where you werent being a fucking pain in the ass to me all the goddamn time  
TG: like how fucking stupid is that right  
TG: but  
TG: if  
TG: i dont fucking know  
TG: fuck you for making me think about that  
TG: also fuck you for almost dying  
TG: fuck you and goodnight  
TT: I didn't almost die. I was never in much danger.  
TT: But I'm sorry.  
TT: For what it's worth, you being a perpetual annoyance to me is a fundamental part of my plans for the future, too.  
TT: Absolutely essential. For various reasons.  
TT: So I forbid you from dying, too.  
TG: ok  
TG: can do  
TT: Thank you. Your compliance is appreciated.  
TT: In return, I won't die, either.  
TG: its like  
TG: the opposite of a suicide pact  
TG: immortality pact  
TT: Immortality pact it is.  
TT: Thank you for worrying.  
TG: what the hell kind of statement is that  
TT: The kind where knowing that you worry about me is inordinately validating and makes me dangerously sentimental. The kind of statement which I beg that you immediately rebuff so we may branch onto a more practical line of conversation, and perhaps one swathed in more layers of comfortable irony.  
TG: well  
TG: ok  
TG: i mean youre welcome or whatever  
TT: Right.  
TG: so like  
TG: what do you want to talk about  
TT: Well.  
TT: Kanaya has been sitting across from me for the past forty minutes.  
TT: So maybe we could talk about that.  
TG: what  
TG: literally oh my god  
TG: have you talked to her  
TT: Not technically.  
TG: which means  
TG: no  
TG: you havent talked to her  
TT: It's somewhat awkward. Understandably. And there's not much to talk about, is there?  
TT: "Hi, Kanaya! Sorry I was a bit of an ass these past few days, but given that I'm hospitalized for smoke inhalation, would you consider turning over a new leaf?"  
TT: "Sure, Rose! The kind of person who deliberately fills their room with smoke and then sets fire to their rug in an arcane and dubious ritual, leading to their consequent hospitalization, is precisely the kind with whom I desire a relationship."  
TT: Please.  
TT: Her presence is a miracle at best. And the sign of an impending breakup at worst.  
TG: i thought you werent dating  
TT: Not technically. But there's a difference between "not dating" and "having recently stopped dating, but still possessing a noted interest in one another."  
TT: The latter is our situation, and an arrangement which I suspect she will soon dissolve.  
TT: And I will understand completely when she does.  
TG: call me crazy but  
TG: i dont think that shes going to even come close to doing that  
TT: Why wouldn't she? I'm not exactly an ideal partner.  
TG: to her you are  
TG: shes in the market for some choice eccentric witchlady blogger ass  
TG: dying for your craft probably = like super hot  
TT: I can't imagine how she'd think that.  
TG: well then fuckin just  
TG: ask her what she thinks  
TT: Groundbreaking.  
TT: Although - and not to rain on your parade - but such a thought has already occurred to me. As exceedingly eccentric as it is.  
TT: I have dismissed it because I have decided it is best to let her initiate the conversation, if and when it happens. I have spent much of the past few week or two dictating the course of our relationship. Now I want to see what she does.  
TG: yeah but shes  
TG: shes not a forward person  
TG: so not to be a buzzkill but  
TG: that wont work  
TT: Not a forward person? Dave, she was the one who asked me out.  
TG: because she knew youd say yes  
TT: Oh.  
TT: Right.  
TT: That reminds me of the other issue that we have to overcome.  
TG: alright but like  
TG: not that im not interested  
TG: because i am  
TG: kind of  
TG: i mean like fifteen percent interested  
TG: not interested in the creepy way  
TG: wanna make that clear im not super interested in the details of your relationship  
TG: you can make out with whoever you want thats none of my business  
TG: in fact please dont make it my business  
TG: i dont want that business  
TG: ive got the right to refuse service and im refusing your lesbian escapade services right now  
TG: that sounded fucked up shit shit  
TG: didnt mean it that way either  
TG: like i didnt mean to imply you were offering any services  
TG: in that sense  
TG: or any other sense freud would consider important  
TG: what im saying is  
TG: ill take a hard pass on any and all homoeroticism youd like to share  
TG: wanna still look you in the eyes at some point yknow  
TG: but the general shit that pertains to your welfare  
TG: yeah thats my biz i guess  
TG: maybe  
TG: if youre cool w that  
TT: That was poetry, Dave. I marvel at such beautiful verbal wreckage, issued from the fingers of a once-competent lyricist.  
TT: I'm feeling better already.  
TG: yeah  
TG: yeah see that was what i was going for  
TG: but back to the important shit  
TG: not that im not interested in your relationship with kanaya  
TG: but i can guarantee you im not as interested in it as kanaya is  
TG: and shes sitting right next to you  
TG: probably worried as all hell  
TG: so heres my proposal  
TT: Yes?  
TG: stop talking to me  
TG: and go talk to her  
turntechGodhead [TG] blocked tentacleTherapist [TT]  
TT: Gee, thanks.

* * *

GA: She Is All Right   
CG: OH, THANK GOD.  
CG: DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL THE OTHERS?  
GA: If Possible  
GA: I Do Not Have The Energy  
GA: Although I Should Hope She Has Told Them Herself Already  
CG: WELL, THAT'S GOOD.  
CG: HOW DID YOU FIND OUT?  
GA: I Went To The Hospital  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK?  
GA: She Was Not Answering  
GA: Nor Was Roxy  
GA: Nor Was Her Mother When I Called Her  
GA: And Because I Was Not Particularly Inclined To Sit Quietly In The Face Of Paranoia And My Own Insidious Imagination  
GA: I Called A Cab And Went To The Hospital  
CG: OKAY. OKAY. THAT'S . . . CERTAINLY ONE OF SEVERAL POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS.  
CG: DID THEY LET YOU IN HER WARD?  
GA: I Said I Was Her Cousin And Roxy Vouched For The Validity Of My Claim  
GA: Roxy Is My Favorite Lalonde At The Moment  
CG: I CAN ONLY IMAGINE.   
CG: WHAT HAPPENED?  
GA: The Doctors Said That It Was Smoke Inhalation And Roxy Informed Me That Prior To Their Departure From The House She Had Discovered Several Candles Still Burning In Her Room  
GA: From This I Deduce That She Was Attempting A Ceremony Calling For Copious Amounts Of Smoke In A Very Small Enclosure And Her Lungs Capitulated Under The Assault  
GA: Right Now She Is Awake  
GA: But She Is Not Talking To Me  
CG: SO, WHAT, SHE'S JUST SITTING THERE AND IGNORING YOU?  
CG: WHAT AN ASSHOLE.  
GA: I Would Concur  
GA: I Mean It Is Not Like I Dropped Everything To Come Visit Her And Ensure Myself Of Her Safety  
GA: Oh Wait Yes It Is Exactly Like That  
CG: YEAH, NO SHIT.  
CG: I'LL GO TELL HER TO TALK TO YOU.  
GA: Dont Do That Karkat  
GA: I Will Just  
GA: Wait  
GA: Even If I Am Angry At Her  
GA: I Still Respect Her Privacy And   
GA: I Will Give Her Time If She Needs It  
GA: Which I Suppose She Does  
GA: Although To Be Honest I Feel Like I Am The One Who Underwent The Harsher Emotional Ordeal Here  
GA: She Was Unconscious For The Vast Majority Of It  
CG: AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY TO HER WHEN YOU TWO DO TALK?  
GA: I Dont Know  
GA: No Wait Actually  
GA: Yes I Do Know  
GA: I Have Not Known What I Have Wanted To Say To Her For A Long Time But I Think That Now  
GA: After Having Watched Her Return From The Brink Of Death  
GA: I Know  
CG: NOT TO CURB YOUR DRAMATICS HERE, BUT WHAT IS THAT, EXACTLY?  
GA: I Want To Tell Her That I Want To Be With Her  
GA: And That If She Does Not Want That Then She Needs To Tell Me  
GA: Immediately  
GA: Because While I Am Ready And Willing To Give Her Whatever Time And Space She Needs To Recover From The Offenses I Have Caused Her  
GA: I Am Unwilling To Be Strung Along Indefinitely By Someone Who May Not Want Me  
GA: It Is An Unhealthy Position  
GA: And I Will Not Remain There  
GA: I Admire Her Ardently But  
GA: That Is Not Always Enough  
GA: There Must Be Reciprocity  
GA: You Cannot Be Selfless All The Time  
CG: THAT WAS GOOD.  
CG: I'M IMPRESSED.  
GA: I Am Delighted To Have Your Approval O God Of Love And Romance And Sloppy Makeouts  
CG: AGAIN WITH THE GOD OF LOVE STUFF.  
CG: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I'VE NEVER HAD A SLOPPY MAKEOUT IN MY LIFE.  
GA: *God Of Extremely Neat And Orderly Makeouts  
CG: OR A NEAT ONE.  
GA: You Are Determined To Undermine Your Own Romantic Authority Arent You  
CG: WHAT? THE BEST VOCAL COACH IN THE WORLD CAN'T SING A NOTE HIMSELF.  
GA: Perhaps  
GA: But He Has At Least Tried  
CG: WOW. FROM MY OWN BEST FRIEND.  
GA: Please Karkat  
GA: If Not From Your Best Friend Then From Whom Would You Accept It  
CG: IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S MY FAULT! THERE'S NOT EXACTLY A LINE AROUND THE BLOCK TO DATE ME, KANAYA.  
GA: No But There Is At Least A Line Of One Person  
CG: AND HE CAN GET HIS ASS IN GEAR IF AND WHEN HE FEELS LIKE IT, I'M NOT GOING TO PUSH HIM INTO ANYTHING.  
GA: Okay  
GA: I Mean I Am Not Prying  
GA: That Is Your Verdict And I Will Respect It  
CG: OKAY, GOOD.  
GA: I Just Think  
CG: OH, JESUS.  
GA: I Just Think You Might Consider That  
GA: For Someone Who Has Advocated For Weeks  
GA: That I Be Honest With She Who Is Dear To Me  
GA: And That If I Desire Something Then I Should Take Steps To Make It A Reality  
GA: And Not Wait For Others To Make It A Reality For Me  
GA: You Are Being A Little  
GA: Dare I Say  
GA: Hypocritical  
CG: FIRST OF ALL, FUCK OFF, THAT'S NOTHING LIKE WHAT I'M DEALING WITH.  
CG: SECOND OF ALL, FUCK OFF, THAT'S STILL GOOD ADVICE AND YOU SHOULD TAKE IT. IN FACT, RIGHT NOW SOUNDS GOOD.  
CG: BECAUSE THIS CONVERSATION IS WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT ME.  
GA: Fine  
GA: I Mean A Little Abrupt Of You To Say But  
GA: I Will Go Talk To Her Then  
GA: Consider Though  
CG: I WILL CONSIDER NOTHING.  
GA: That Is Impossible   
GA: Technically Speaking  
GA: You Are Incapable Of Not Considering Something At Minimum At All Times  
CG: KANAYA.  
CG: STOP PROCRASTINATING.  
GA: All Right  
GA: I Will  
CG: GOOD LUCK.  
GA: Thank You  
GA: Karkat


	15. Chapter 15

TT: Hi.   
GA: Hi   
TT:    
GA:    
TT:    
GA:    
TT: So.   
GA: So   
GA: This Is What We Are Doing Huh   
TT: What do you mean?  
TT: What are we doing?  
GA: Texting  
GA: Instead Of Talking To Each Other  
GA: Which Is An Entirely Plausible Course Of Action  
GA: Given That I Am Quite Literally Four Feet Away From You As I Send This Message  
TT: I figured this would be easier.  
GA: Easier Than Looking Me In The Eye  
TT: Well. I could do that, if you wanted.  
TT: I just figured I could be more honest over text.  
TT: I'm not very good at saying things.   
TT: Out loud, I mean.  
GA: I Contest Your Self-Evaluation Of Your Own Eloquence  
TT: Your contestation is acknowledged. But the fact remains.  
GA: Okay Then  
TT:   
GA:   
TT:   
GA: So Do You Have Anything To Say  
TT: Yes. Sorry, I'm trying to find the best way to put this.  
GA: If You Will Accept My Admittedly Biased Advice On The Matter  
GA: I Think It Would Be Best If You Went Ahead And Blurted Out Whatever It Is You Are Thinking Right Now  
GA: And Then Worry About Framing It Properly Afterwards  
TT: Right.  
TT: I'm sorry for making you worry, first of all.  
GA: Is That What You Were Trying To Put Correctly  
GA: Because That Doesnt Seem Like A Very Difficult Sentiment To Express  
TT: That wasn't it, but I thought I should begin my speech with that particular thought, so as to properly set up my feelings on the matter right now.  
TT: I've been properly castigated by Dave for my tomfoolery already, and I recognize the danger that I willingly put myself in. It wasn't an intentional, but that doesn't matter when you consider the outcome, I suppose. So I'm sorry. And I hope I didn't worry you too much.  
GA: It Depends On How Much You Consider An Inappropriate Amount Of Worry  
GA: If You Consider An All Consuming Panic Too Much  
GA: Then Your Hope Is Misguided  
TT: I really am sorry.  
TT: I didn't mean to.  
GA: Right Well  
GA: Given That You Did Not Intend To Inflict Any Of The Harms Caused I Am Inclined To Forgive You This Oversight  
TT: Thanks.  
GA: So About The Other Thing You Were Going To Tell Me  
GA: What Is It  
TT: I've been doing some thinking.  
GA: Have You  
TT: Yes.  
TT: On the subject of you.  
GA: Really  
GA: Would You Care To Share What You Have Been Thinking On The Subject Of Me  
TT: I've been thinking that I forgive you.  
GA:   
GA: Would You Elaborate Please  
TT: Well. You know by now the reason I had a problem with you not telling me, as you did.  
GA: Yes  
TT: So after you apologized, I took some time to consider whether you were sincere about what you said. And how best to reconcile the newfound information about you with what happened . . . prior to my revelation. And to contemplate whether that state was something worthwhile to be pursued. This inquiry understandably took some time.  
TT: And I thought for a moment or two that it would be best for us to let that fling fade into distant memory, and go about our business as nothing more than acquaintances. And then, after a time, we would think nothing of each other at all. I found this to be a pleasant solution, for it would purge me of thinking about you. And thinking about you caused me no small amount of distress, mainly because I usually cannot decide what I want to think about you.  
GA: Oh  
GA: So Is That What You Want  
TT: Well, then I almost died, and that changed things.  
GA: Understandable  
TT: It gives you some perspective, you know. Thinking about death. When I was almost unconscious, I had a chance to muse on my regrets. Contemplate whether this would be my end, and if so, whether my life was a worthwhile experience.  
TT: And I thought, while in the throes of smoke inhalation, that if I were to choose one regret - among the very few regrets that I have ever had, for I do not naturally regret things - it would be that I did not seize upon the chance I had had to know you better, and enjoy your company to its fullest extent.  
TT: That is to say, it was the purest form of self delusion to believe that I could ignore your importance to me.  
TT: The trust and empathy I expressed to you before you informed me of your identity are no less valid now that I know who you are. You are, as you were then, an intelligent and trustworthy individual; you are clever, and witty, and share many of my interests. Not to mention that you are possessed of creative talents and a manipulative intelligence I have yet to find in any other human being. You are, I think, among the few people that pose a match for me, intellectually speaking. And despite all that has happened, you are still among the best friends I have known.  
TT: You are still among the best people I have known.  
TT: I would be a fool to refuse even a second of your company.  
GA: I Dont Know What To Say  
TT: You don't have to say anything, if you don't want to. I just thought I'd indulge in a bit of honesty, for once.  
TT: I have demanded it of you enough as to earn you some measure of it in return.  
GA: Yes  
GA: I Appreciate It  
GA: Thank You For Telling Me This  
TT: You're welcome.  
GA: But  
GA: I Think We Are Still Unclear On One Front  
GA: You Said You Wanted My Company  
GA: What Does That Mean  
TT: It means whatever you want it to mean.  
GA: No It Really Doesnt  
GA: It Means Something To You And It Means Something To Me And I Want To Know Whether It Means The Same Thing To Both Of Us  
GA: Because That Will Determine Something Very Important About The Nature Of Us  
GA: Jointly  
GA: As In  
GA: And I Use This Term With All Due Neutrality  
GA: The Relationship You Seek To Maintain With Me And Vice Versa  
TT: What term? "Relationship"?  
GA: Yes  
TT: I guess that still depends on you.  
GA: You Know How I Feel  
TT: Do I?  
TT: I thought your feelings might have changed.  
TT: Seeing as you've found out what a disaster I am.  
TT: And how cold I've been to you, over the past few days.  
TT: I mean, regardless of how justified my actions were, it's hard to carry a torch for the girl that blocks you and offers hostility in the face of attempts at reconciliation.  
GA: It Isnt Hard To Carry At All  
GA: Which Is To Say  
GA: Your Justified Responses Have Not Dissuaded Me Of My Opinion Of You  
TT: So you still love me.  
TT: Just checking.  
GA: Rose It Has Been Less Than A Week Since I Last Told You  
GA: I Should Think That Anyone Who Understands The Durability Of The Emotion Would Understand That It Takes A Bit More Than A Week To Stop Feeling It  
TT: Well, I don't know. I've never been in love before, or fallen out of it, so the timeframe hasn't been clearly established.  
GA: Before  
TT: Sure.  
GA: Please Be As Clear As You Can  
TT: I mean, I guess I've missed you a lot.  
TT: And I've wanted to hang around with you pretty much all the time.  
TT: And sometimes when I see something funny or interesting, I'll want to show it to you and see what you think about it.  
TT: And I'll think about making you laugh, and I like to hear you laugh.  
TT: And I liked being near you, especially, for no particular reason, even when we weren't talking or doing anything at all.  
TT: I don't know what that is, as it's never happened before, but call it what you like. If that sounds familiar, which is to say, if you have felt it yourself, or if you have experienced at least two-thirds of the above sensations, then I suppose you could make the assumption - without overstepping - that what you and I feel for each other is - more or less - the same.  
GA: Rose  
TT: Yes, Kanaya?  
GA: I Love You Too  
TT: Oh.  
TT: That's good.  
GA: Thats Good  
GA: Really  
GA: Is That All  
TT: My mind is somewhat preoccupied?  
GA: With  
TT: Trying not to make a fool of myself, mostly.  
GA: Well  
GA: I Think Its Good Too  
TT: Good.  
TT: Very good.  
GA: Very Well  
GA: So  
GA: Uh  
TT: Yeah.  
TT: Um.  
GA: You Do Not Look Terribly Comfortable Over There  
GA: Could I Perhaps Bring You A Pillow  
GA: Or Something  
TT: No, I'll get Roxy to do that later.  
TT: Where is Roxy?  
GA: She Went To Get Food  
GA: But That Was Almost An Hour Ago  
GA: Which Leads Me To Believe That She Might Have Intentionally Stayed Away So As To Give Us Time To Reconcile  
TT: That snake.  
TT: She played us like a goddamn fiddle.  
GA: Not Really  
GA: I Mean She Did Not Impel Either Of Us To Confess To Anything  
GA: Although That Is Certainly Not For Lack Of Trying  
TT: Oh my God, that's true.  
TT: I'm so sorry for the other night, by the way. She had no right to barge into your house like that.  
GA: I Was More Embarrassed For Myself Than Indignant For My Houses Dignity  
GA: I Was Hardly Wearing Anything  
TT: Yes, that was  
GA: Rose  
GA: It Was What  
TT: I was looking for an adjective that was both respectful but also sufficiently conveyed how nice I thought you looked.  
GA: It Was See Through  
TT: Yes, exactly.  
GA: Oh My God  
TT: Ow!  
TT: What was that for?  
GA: Incorrigibility  
GA: Also For Being Intolerably Flirtatious  
TT: Intolerably?  
GA: Yes  
GA: Although I Will Admittedly Tolerate It Some More  
GA: If You So Desire  
TT: My lover doth abuse me so.  
GA: I Do Not  
GA: You Are Being Melodramatic  
TT: I have only recently returned from the edge of death. I have earned the right, I think.  
GA: Sure Rose  
TT: So.  
TT: Exactly how much flirting would you tolerate?  
GA: Hmmm  
GA: An Excellent Question  
GA: The Boundary Of Which We Speak Is Heretofore Theoretical  
GA: So I Am Afraid That You Simply Must Continue In Order To Find Out  
TT: Of course.  
TT: Does romantic engagement of the nonverbal kind qualify as flirtation?  
GA: The Nonverbal Kind  
TT: Perhaps, to specify, the physical kind.  
GA: Why Dont You Find Out  
TT: Very well.  
GA:   
TT: wait  
TT: At least let me put my phone aw  
TT: asddfGY7PUOHLJK;Lkhl;ke;klalma-  
tentacleTherapist [TT] is an idle chum!

* * *

Date: July 2, 2016. Weather: Dry. Mood: Happy.

News:

I am alive, and that is good. I am taking a brief break from rituals, I think, although not from spirituality in general. This is because of recent disasters involving my candles and one (brief) visit to the hospital, which have somewhat "put me off" future magic ordeals. Do not worry - I will still provide updates on my wellbeing and status - but I think that for my own health, I will be abstaining for at least a month or two. I need to give myself time to develop outside this interest. This will be for the best, ultimately.

On a related note, I think I will stop updating this blog - at the very least, not update it as often. Writing so frequently has drained me. And I think that there comes a time in every young woman's life where there emerge certain . . . aspects and events which are best kept private. Everyone has a secret or two. I am sure you will not begrudge me this one.

Questions Answered: 

It has been too long since I have checked the askbox, and I think I should give a final Q&A session before my leave of absence. 

In response to @arsenicCatnip's question about me: I am fine, thank you, and I appreciate your concern. Please message me privately; I should like to stay in contact, if you are not averse, so that we may discuss our shared interest even when I am not running this blog full-time.

In response to @apocalypseArisen's kind gift: Thank you very much for the desert rose; it is quite beautiful, and I have placed it on my mantle, where it shall remain indefinitely. I also accept your congratulations about Kanaya and I; we would both be delighted were you to come visit us, sometime.

In response to @carcinoGeneticist's aggravated, ten-thousand word rant, which you were so kind as to deposit, in five separate parts, in my inbox: You are perhaps the most skilled user of the word "fuck" I have ever had the pleasure of conversing with.

In all seriousness: Thank you, Karkat. I appreciate it.

Personal News: 

Kanaya came home from the hospital with me. She sat beside me in the car and fussed over me to no end, ensuring that I did not strain my newly rehabilitated lungs. I did not and could not bring myself to mind. I was - and permit me the cliche - on cloud nine, so to speak. There was between as an air of unparalleled intimacy, that which comes with a recent private disclosure and the realization of mutual affections to which no other kind of discussion may compare. There was a thrill in the air of something both new and terribly familiar. I was high on it. I believe that she was, too.

My mother and Roxy were with me in the car. Of course, they had things to say to me. None of them were flattering. The majority of what they said had either to do with my idiocy or ineptitude, or was some kind of threat to remove everything mildly resembling a candle from my room the *very instant* they got home. But they were crying as they said it, and Roxy would every few minutes turn and wrench me into a suffocating hug, so I don't believe they meant any malice. It was their way of expressing that they loved me. I told them that they were both ridiculous, sappy, and overall embarrassments to be near, which was my way of saying that I loved them too. They understood it.

Kanaya came to our house and helped me up the stairs to my room. The thing with smoke inhalation is that it does terrible things to your endurance. I had to lean heavily on her in my ascent and for some time after that, virtually until we were both seated in my bedroom, at last out of view of my sister and my mother. My family suspected nothing of our intentions in vanishing; to them, nothing indecent was even plausible. There was nothing more innocent than a young girl helping the subject of her affections, who in fact was recovering from severe injury, ascend to her bedroom and then helping her get settled, once there. Nothing could be more wholesome. Nothing could be more devoid of ulterior motives.

But they would be foolish to believe that. I never do anything without an ulterior motive.

After settling me on the bed, where I had to take a few moments' rest from the hard trek upstairs, Kanaya set about tidying my room. She would make the occasional comment about a scorched rug or unsafe conditions for candles; she closed the window, which had apparently since my urgent departure not been shut; she did a number of things which avoided the sudden awkward reality of being alone together in a private space with absolutely nothing keeping us from heretofore unexplored expressions of intimacy. Or perhaps she was merely trying to keep my space neat. That is also a possibility.

"Kanaya," I said.

"Hmm."

"Why did you come to my window? The other night, I mean."

"Oh." She turned a pleasant pink color. "I thought it would be - I mean, I suppose I thought it would be. Ah. Romantic."

"Yes, it really - I mean. It most certainly was; I was just wondering - why, exactly - why the window, in particular? And at - and at that time of night."

"I wanted to see you," she said simply.

"In the middle of the night?"

"I want to see you all the time." She said it as if it were fact, as if it were obvious to anyone with a functional organ.

"Me, too," I said. "That is - you. All the time. I like seeing you." She smiled a small, private smile, and averted her eyes. Bravely, I continued.

"You're seeing me now," I noted.

"That's true."

"Do you want to do anything else?"

She gave me a sidelong glance. "We did plenty of 'else' in the hospital, Rose."

"You can't do anything when the nurse is watching," I complained. "Can you believe - intervening because I'll 'strain my lungs if you two keep on like that' - the sheer, unadulterated nerve -"

"She was right -"

"It was silly! Like you can strain your lungs from a bit of kissing -"

"It was a tad more than a 'bit' -"

"Same difference, couldn't have done any harm -"

She crossed the room and leaned over me, arching one eyebrow. It was harder to argue with her when she was close, and I could smell detergent and hospital and a little bit of lavender on her clothes. 

"What's the point of complaining about it now, then?"

"We're not in the hospital now," I pointed out. My mouth was very dry.

"No, we're not," she agreed.

"No nurses."

"Your mother is downstairs."

"And utterly oblivious to most of what goes on in her house."

"As is your sister."

"She'll be at your house, this time of day, with Porrim."

"You're still recovering."

"So be gentle."

"Rigorous physical activity, shortly after intense smoke inhalation -"

"Rigorous? Goodness. I certainly wasn't thinking of doing anything 'rigorous.' What did you have in mind, Kanaya?"

She flushed darker still. "Rose - you know full well -"

"What a mind you have."

"Rose!" She punched my arm, but sat down on the bed.

"I am an entirely innocent creature," I informed her. "I don't deserve this."

"Incorrigible."

"I am completely corrigible. I am simply not inclined, at present, to be corriged."

"Did you just wiggle your eyebrows? Do you think that works?"

"You tell me," I said, lasciviously.

"I bet you fancy yourself a master of seduction," she scoffed, but she inched closer nevertheless.

"I don't fancy myself anything. You, on the other hand."

"Shameless," she insisted, and then leaned over and kissed me.

She kissed me slowly, as if we had all the time in the world to explore nothing but each other; her tongue darted along the line of my lips, and then in, and out, slowly, with the ease and lethargy of a woman who knew exactly what she was doing.

"Ah," I said, intelligently, and she pulled back. I waited for my mind to return from the gutter to which it had plunged in the brief space of our engagement. It didn't. Inconsiderate of it.

"Your eloquence overwhelms me, love."

"I was not to blame for that," I said, somewhat indignantly, but she was leaning in again already.

"The silver-tongued blogger, felled."

"You're one to talk about silver-tongued."

She grinned, sticking her tongue out from between two rows of clean white teeth.

"Shut up," I breathed, grabbing her collar, and pulled her down to me.


	16. Epilogue

Date: July 16, 2016. Weather: Temperate. Mood: Fond.

It Appears That Among The Requirements To Court Rose Lalonde Is The Stipulation That, In Case Of Emergency, Or In Situations Where She Is Otherwise Indisposed To Do So, The Courtier In Question Will Fulfill For Her The Duties Of Tending To Her Blog, Tentacle Therapist, Even When The Readership Likely Will Not Derive From It The Same Joy That They Would Had She Done It Herself.

Rose Is Not In A State Of Emergency At The Moment, Although She Does Argue Herself To Be 'Indisposed' - A Claim Of Dubious Validity Which I, Were I A Less Kind And Peacable Person, Would Dispute. As It Is I Have Let Her Have Her Way. It Happens More Often Than I Can With All Dignity Admit, But At The Very Least She Seems To Be Amiable To The Notion Of Repaying Favors.

As You Have Probably Deduced By Now, I Am Not Rose. This Is Kanaya, Speaking, As Rose Has Requested That I Give A Short "Update On Life." This Update Apparently Constitutes Nothing In Particular But Must Fulfill A Certain Length, As She Told Me I Should "Just Tell Them About Stuff" And Nothing Else. A Devout Writer Might Ask What "Stuff" Is, Or In What Order One Should Go About Telling Readers About It, And Where The Boundary Line Of Privacy Lies. She Offered None Of These Distinctions. In One Sense, I Appreciate The Trust She Places In Me To Write Honestly But Not Uncomfortably So. On The Other Hand, I Am Perplexed By The Quandary Of How I Am To Write Similar To And To The Specifications Of Rose Lalonde If You Are Not, In Fact, Rose Lalonde.

The Reason That Rose Cannot At Present Address You Is Because She Has Wrapped Herself In Blankets And Is Currently Refusing To Leave Her Bed. I Exited It Some Time Ago To Prepare For The Morning, As We Productive People Do, But She Refused. With Surprising Dedication She Argued For The Abandonment Of The Societal Norms Of Interaction Beyond The Bedroom And Provided Several Compelling Points Justifying My Immediate Return To Her Blanket Nest. I Did Not Concede And Instead Dressed And Prepared For The Day With All Due Diligence. I Could Not, However, Compel Her To Leave The Bed. She Is Still Buried Underneath A Mound Of Pillows And The Strangely Complex Layers Of Sheets She Has Entangled Herself In.

"Normal People Get Out Of Bed Before Twelve In The Afternoon," I Told Her, Attempting To Be As Gentle As I Could.

"I Am Sure They Do," She Replied, And Then Rolled Over And Went Back To Sleep.

I Cannot Entirely Blame Her For Her Exhaustion. She Was Not Asleep Until Late Last Night, For Reasons That Were Not Entirely Within Her Realm Of Control. At The Very Least, I Absolve Her Of Total Responsibility For Her State At The Moment. However, Given That I - Who Was Also Awake To The Same Time - Have Managed To Be As Effective As I Am Being - She Is Still Responsible For Her Management Of Said Exhaustion.

It Has Been Two Weeks Since Rose Last Posted On This Blog. During That Time She Has Done Her Best To Minimize Interaction Either With This Platform Or Any Other Form Of Online Disclosure; This Is A Testament To Her Resolve In Keeping Our Relationship Concealed From Prying Eyes, Especially Those Eyes Which Might Not Fall Sympathetically On Our Union. I Cannot Imagine Such Eyes, Personally, But She Concerns Herself With Them Extensively, So I Humor Her. She Assures Me, Furthermore, That Her Forces In Combating These Theoretical Persons Are Formidable, To Which I Replied That I Did Not For An Instant Doubt The Formidability Of Her Sources, But Also That I Could Not Imagine Myself In A Situation Which Would Necessitate Them. She Is A Suspicious Sort, My Paramour, But Ultimately Charming. 

So What May I Tell You About "Life" That Does Not Pull Back The Veil Too Far?

Rose And I Have Gone - Since Our Reunion In The Beginning Of The Month - On A Total Of Six Official Dates, Although I Am Not Sure By What Rubric She Calculates Them (For It Is Rose, And Not I, That Has Kept Track Of This Statistic). Unofficially, We Have Spent An Amount Of Time Together Which Far Exceeds The Amount Spent On Official Dates. We Alternate Between Her House And Mine. Right Now We Are In Hers. We Do Our Best To Keep An Alternating Schedule With Roxy And Porrim, For Obvious Reasons. I Love My Sister And Sister's Girlfriend Dearly, But With That Love Comes A Strong Desire To Be Capable Of Looking Them In The Eye. I Have Already Been Caught In Many An Unfortunate Circumstance Which Rendered Me Incapable Of Such For A Time. Rose And I Are Now Very Scrupulous In Choosing Where And When We Consort Together, As, I Expect, Are Roxy And Porrim. 

We Are In Rose's House Now. Because I Had Quite Unfortunately Left My Sleeping Bag In My Room, She Kindly Offered To Share The Bed With Me, Which Had Absolutely No Improper Consequence Aside From The Restful And Enjoyable Sleep Of A Pair Of Extremely Virginal Women. The Night Prior To It Was Counted By Rose As An 'Unofficial' Date, Perhaps, I Think, Because It Did Not Involve Anything Generally Considered Date-Ish. I Brought Over The Costume I Had Made For Her - The One Which, I Think She Has Told You, Was Based On Calmasis - And We Performed A Fitting. She And I Have Plans To Attend A Con Together In The Coming Fall, And Although She Has Her Reservations About It, I Am Very Excited. It Will Be The First Time I Have A Chance To Design Matching Costumes And I Have Already Draw Up Plans For It. Rose Thinks My Excitement Is Inordinate And Will Sometimes Tease Me About It, Like The Cruel Lover She Is, But I Pay Her No Mind. 

All Teasing Aside, She Makes Me Happy. She Has Suggested, Although Not In As Many Words, Because Rose Makes It A Point To Never Say Anything In A Straightforward And Logical Manner, That She Feels The Same. And It Is Maybe The First Time That I Have Felt As Happy As I Do Now, Which Is A Very Nice And Enjoyable Sensation, I Suppose. 

Tonight We Have Yet Another Appointment Which I Think Would Qualify As An 'Official' Date, As It Is Going To Be Centered Around Dinner. Furthermore, It Will Be Sans Adult Supervision, Or At Least, Adult Supervision Directly Related To One Of The Participants. And It Fulfills A Childhood Dream Of Mine, In That It Will Be A Double Date With My Best Friend. He Is Very Anxious About It But He Does Not Want Anyone To Know That He Is Very Anxious About It. I Would Entreat Anyone Reading This Missive Who Might Be In Some Way Engaged With Him, Romantically Speaking, To Talk To Him About His Anxiety Concerning It. Of Course, This Is Only A Suggestion. I Am Very Proud Of My Best Friend For Agreeing, And I Am Looking Forward To It Immensely. Rose Is, Too, Although She Is Miffed, Because Although We Attempted To Get Reservations At An Expensive Restaurant, Her Mother Vetoed Those Plans In Favor Of Going To A Denny's Instead. I Do Not Understand Why She Is Being So Critical; I Have Had Many An Enjoyable Memory Inside A Denny's, And Look Forward To Several More Tonight. 

We Have Questions Yet To Answer, Of Course. Questions About School And Family, And How To Negotiate A Relationship In The Long Term; Questions About The Issues That Both Of Us Have, And How To Deal With Those Without Hurting One Another Unintentionally; Questions To Which Neither Of Us Have Particularly Good Answers, At Present. But I Believe That For Right Now, What We Have Is Enough. It Is Part Of A Relationship That We Seek Answers To Those Questions Together. I Will Be Delighted To Seek Those Answers With Rose Beside Me.

The Future Will Come When It Comes. Fear Of It Will Not Keep Us From The Joys Of The Present. And Those Joys Are Plentiful.

I Think This Is Enough Writing, For Now. You Surely Know More Than You Could Ever Want To About Our Personal Life. Should You Want To Know More, Feel Free To Inquire Privately, Or Drop A Question Into Either My Inbox Or Rose's; We Will, Barring Complications, Probably Answer. At Present, Though, I Have Nothing Else To Say. And Besides - Rose Is Calling Me To Bed. 

It Is With Utmost Sincerity That I Offer You My Best Wishes For The Future, And Look Forward Earnestly To Mine.

Have A Good Evening, Readers.

-grimAuxiliatrix


End file.
